School mum crossed a line or am I overthinking it?

I was thinking along the same lines in that at some point if nothing is said then the 'friend' will just go on making similar remarks with impunity and sooner or later there would definitely be more lines crossed! 🙄
I do understand that the situation would have been a little awkward bearing in mind that OP seems genuinely fond of her friend and would not have been expecting such comments, but if things aren't challenged immediately the moment passes and of course, confrontation is often the first thing to be avoided! 😊
OP should continue to be present if possible at the playdates so that she can watch/listen for any more unwanted and/or inappropriate remarks and should then in a calm but no nonsense way let her friend know how she feels so that hopefully the issue may be resolved and, depending on the response, the friendship can continue but if that doesn't happen, well maybe it's time for her and her son to step back. 🤔

If you were talking about why you've stopped at one, because of the challenges you're facing because of your son's additional needs...

... It's a bit clumsy but it's agreeing that a doubling of those issues would be more that she could cope with.

I have a lovely friend with only one child. I have three. When I'd talk about being knackered she'd agree and say she would hate my life; two kids seems a bit much and three would just kill her. She thinks I must be mad.

That's ok. She'd hate it. I don't, although I struggled sometimes. We were presented with very different challenges. I wouldn't have wanted to face hers, she wouldn't have wanted to face mine.

We still got on well.

Just try and step away slightly. Not worth the angst having a fall out.

She's not got much of a filter as it sounds that she says what she thinks.

When my DD was around this age, she had a “friend” who made her life at school a bit of a misery by constantly telling on her. The friend would tell on her for the most ridiculous things, such as putting acorns in her pocket in the playground, or one sock being pulled up higher than the other. My DD was very much a rule-follower, and began to dread school because she was terrified of being told on, and the teacher’s response. She never got into trouble, because none of what she was doing warranted the teacher to respond, but as she was so young, my reassurances meant little. After a while, the teacher had to speak to her and told her to relax, and that she was doing nothing wrong. The friend continued telling on her, both in and out of school, and it was quite unpleasant to witness. The friend really did seem keen to get DD into trouble.

I remember thinking at the time that the “teller” would end up friendless if she continued on that track. I was friends with her mum, who seemed oblivious to what her DD was doing, despite it happening numerous times when she was there. There is the possibility that your son behaves similarly at school, constantly telling on others over nothing. If that’s the case, then your friend might have reached the end of her tether; she might be cuddling a crying child every evening because of your DS’s behaviour at school, as I was.

Years later, the “teller” is being assessed for ASD, and has ended up very socially isolated. So while I can understand you didn’t like what your friend said, there might be some truth in it, and there might be behaviours from your DS that you are unaware of, that are having a major impact on her DS.

This

I had a ‘mum friend’ a bit like this. Making comments all the time. My dd and her dd were close friends but I had to distance from her, in the end her dd started acting like her mother and her and dd are no longer friends either.

if I were you, I’d be distancing.

Depends on the level of friendship and the tone tbh. These are the sorts of things you might say lightheartedly with close friends but probably not with acquaintances. Kind of along the lines of saying if your second child was a first you’d not have had another etc. generally meant as a joke. Also my friends little girl will come and tell tales (silly stuff she’d do herself) and we will tell her to stop. Again this a a child who is more like a niece to me. I’d never say it to a random school friend. How bad was the programme and had he asked his friend to turn it off first before coming to tell as working in a school we always encourage dc to try and solve their own disputes before seeking help from an adult.

WITH you there, I mean.

Actually I agree with what @L0V315 said about not letting your DS socialise with this child without you there - which cancels out my previous post about you not needing to be on playdates pretty soon because the children are getting older.

If she’s this cruel without you there goodness knows what she’d say to your DS when he’s on his own.

I think both comments are very passive aggressive and would have pulled her up on the first one by saying a direct what do you mean by that? I agree with majority lifes too short to put up with these sort of people.

Time to nurture other friendships for both you and your ds.

She sounds like a complete cunt and clearly doesn't like your ds. Never let him socialise at her house without you there, to safeguard your son.

I would be pulling back from this friendship as based on your op it doesn't feel healthy to me.

@hcee19 Can’t speak for the OP but sometimes you just kind of freeze in shock, and you’re thinking “did she really just say that?” and if you lack confidence you think “and did she mean what I can’t really deny she meant?” and then the conversation has moved on and you’re still sort of frozen and stuck. But by then the person has decided that you’re a soft touch.

You decide later that you can’t have any sort of friendship or relationship with that person.

I watched my DC do it (freeze) on a FaceTime call during Covid. (What I mean is, I was a fly on the wall in this ‘friendship’ interaction, which one can’t normally be).

I sooo wanted them go give as good as they got wrt the insult but it’s not inside of them.

I don't understand why you didn't say anything , there and then. It's not good to build up a portfolio and then approach this friend with all you concerns. Approach as they happen, not afterwards....l don't get it

She’s really nasty to speak to you and your son like that. You don’t need “friends” like her in your life!

Yes that's incredibly rude - I can't imagine ever saying that to anyone!

My Grandma had a saying “all parents should wear a muzzle’ her comment about you not having any more children was really rude and tactless - let’s hope her child remains an absolute angel for the rest of their lives as she wouldn’t want to fall from that Ivory Tower she’s placed herself and her child in 🙄🙄 I’d be putting her on the back burner tbh.

I’m with you. Just be polite but keep your distance.

I think this too. It is unkind.

comment 1 is it hard for you re your son? With his potential diagnosis? Did you talk to her about it? Could it be coming from a place where she understands why you wouldn’t want to have 2? I often saying can you imagine having two.. to my husband about our child! I literally cleaned up, went to put my cleaning stuff in the utility room and when I got back to the kitchen she had emptied the cupboard’s I had just repacked!
comment 2 did she mean in a snitches get stitches way? Still unkind either way. We have kids who come here for a play date and they are awful (manners, cleanliness, eating habits) but my child likes them so I say nothing! Oh and when they don’t play nice I just say okay then we won’t schedule any more dates in and they seem to settle!

My DC is auADHD and I pretty much knew it from him being small. He is very bright, funny and absolutely lovely. I wouldn't change him for the world. I'm sure you wouldn't change yours either.

ASD children are very literal and have a sense of justice that they can't be talked out of. Similarly they are risk averse, hence your son not wanting to watch things that he knew might upset him. But I'm sure you knew all that.

I agree that she doesn't like your son. I'd find a way to weave @JulietteHasAGun's comments into a conversation with her, to let her know that she needs to fuck back off. Don't actively drop her, because that would hurt your son. As someone has said, pretty soon you won't have to put up with her and can send your DC's to each other's houses without accompaniment.
Just be open to cultivating other friendships for both of you. She is trouble.

Just would like other people's perspective.

At a playgroup my child was hit (slapped) by the managers son, he is known to hit...it kept happening to another child and that mum left as child kept getting upset to go to the playgroup.

Normally manager apologises, but this time when my son was hit she didn't. She just brushed it off saying sometimes they hit and will learn in due course.

I went back to her and said can you get your son to apologise as I want my son to know it's not the right thing to do. She said she would but didn't. I understand she was busy with her own 2 children and running the playgroup but it's left me feeling sad I didn't defend my son.
(They are very young just turning 3).

Later I did get a call about child being a bit difficult and dealing with more stuff and will try to get him to apologise next session.

I'm in 2 minds I know she has a lot going on, but I don't want my child to be hit and I love going to that group as lots happening in learning and play but I don't want to feel this upset afterwards.

I feel if the manager doesn't address or set an example then it's not reflecting good on what it's about.

Am I being too sensitive?
Should there be a policy to deal with children hitting like in care settings?

We’re all different but I have a child with SEND and haven’t had any more for similar reasons. I would still be very stung on his behalf if someone was to say something along these lines to me. I would take it to imply that he’s somehow viewed as ‘less than’ or a problem to be fixed

I’d probably act like I didn’t understand what she meant on both counts “sorry I didn’t quite catch what you meant there.” To see if she realises how insensitive she would be if she was to say the quiet part out loud that’s in her mind

Somehow I believe that your empathy when saying that would have shown through and not affected the OP in the way her "friend" said it.

Not out of the blue, no. But if I was having a conversation with someone and they said they aren't having another child because it would be too difficult to manage with current DC, I may say that I wouldn't feel able to manage their DC with another child either. I'd say it as a way of letting them know I see they have it tough and it's not their capabilities that are the issue.