To wonder why people talk over me?

I think it happens to everyone and most people also do it also

I completely understand @wendywoopywoo222
We have ADHD in our family and I find it is the intense urge to blurt things out before you forget them, prior to the topic changing within the conversation. Sometimes it is random thoughts too and a quick change of topic without fully listening to other person and following the natural flow. It is almost like giving yourself a good talking to in your mind, "wait wait, don't interrupt ", It is definitely utterly exhausting and even more so if talking to somebody else with ADHD! I get talked over alot as my dc is on the spectrum, suspect I have traits too as it is highly genetic.

I don't agree it's a product of covid, video conferencing or any other modern technological or social engineering, its upbringing. We were taught as children not to interrupt. Normal family, no airs and graces, had table manners etc... but some families were quieter than us, others more chaotic and louder so they tended to have to shout to be heard. My Dsis is married to a constant interrupter -- they argue about it all the time but as she says, he hasn't got a bad bone in his body and always tells a really entertaining story. My exH had severe ADHD and interrupted everything and everyone. Not only that, he actually got offended if others didn't stop and acknowledge him! Again, a very entertaining character and people loved his company so put up with it. We are all different-but being around these types to me now I'm older is absolutely exhausting.

I have ADHD and hate that I talk over people, I drive myself mad trying not to do it and stay quiet in some situations as not speaking at all helps but if I’m really relaxed with good freinds or family I fall back into doing it. I’m also very conscious of other people doing it and try and even up conversations where people have been talked over.

Then I overthink all the situations I’ve done it in for days after. It’s exhausting so maybe your freinds don’t mean to be rude.

This has happened to me, enough times that I've noticed but not enough times that I think it's a pattern or anything personal. I've also caught myself doing it to other people occasionally and if I notice in the moment I apologise.

There's also that thing where I think I'm making a brief interjection - if they mention a particular bakery as part of their anecdote and I say "love their pastries!" more as a supporting statement than an interruption - but then someone else chimes in and then someone else and you have to consciously redirect the conversation back to the anecdote.

Oddly the easiest dynamic to deal with is when a man interrupts me, because it's such a well-known thing that you can easily point it out in the moment (and usually they apologise).

Very interesting to read about all the posters who grew up learning they had to interrupt to be heard at all in their families. Lots of things suddenly make a bit more sense. I didn't grow up in a family like that so my default is to wait my turn.

Guilty. In my mind, this shows I’m actively listening with interest.

😭😭😭

Some people have already offered their perspective from the side of the ‘perpetrators’ , I’ll also add my two cents. I do talk over others and I feel so bad I do it. I’m actively trying to control it. For me it’s because I am not sure in my brain about when it’s my turn to speak plus I always have the anxiety of wanting to appear as the proactive and enthusiastic person that I am. In my mind, this is achieved by talking a lot and by almost attempting to finish the other persons sentences. It feels surreal and stupid writing this out. I do have anxiety. I’m open about it and for example at work I’ve explained I’m aware I do this and they should feel free to tell me to shut up if I’m becoming annoying. I’ve apologised and assured them I’m trying, but it’s a compulsion so not easy. In Teams meetings what I do is I constantly stay muted and use the “put hand up” function to speak. In person it’s a bit more difficult especially if we’re all having an intense stressful day. I spend a lot of time beating myself up over this 😞🫣

I’ve noticed people do this to me but it’s that they ask a question that derails the anecdote. I find that so rude and difficult!

Example:

”I was on the bus earlier and the bus driver was texting as he was driving - then, just as we went round a corner he…”
”Was that on Broad Street? Have you seen they’ve put new traffic lights there?”
”Umm… no, it was on High Street.”
”Oh, because they closed the road for ages and…”

And the story’s gone.

That’s why I trained myself not to do it because I know it’s annoying. It is hard work to restrain the impulse. Kind of like physically sitting on your hands. Teams meetings are a bit better. The hand up and mute thing delays me from doing it.

s I just feel as though I already got it and no more words are necessary.

And what if you haven’t ‘got it’? So you go off on a tangent, or you haven’t picked up on what the person actually wants you to hear? My colleagues who do this are always missing the point 🙄 they assume they know what’s coming and start talking before others have finished. It’s very tiring having to stop them and say ‘no, that’s not what I’m saying - please listen and let me finish’ all the time.

They do have ADHD.

I think this happens to everyone. It's not you, it's the ignorant people around you. That soup sounds lush.

I was going to say does the person who does it have ADHD? I find it honestly excruciating sometimes waiting for people to finish their point. It’s not that I don’t want to listen to others I just feel as though I already got it and no more words are necessary. I AM interested in what they are saying as I am burning to respond. I used to get told off a lot when much younger for it and I now have trained myself out of doing it but I do really still want to and more relaxed settings with a few people are the worst temptation.

I worked with academics for decades and I’m married to one, I was an academic librarian and ran a departmental library.

You may use ‘too many words’ and take a long time when you do talk DH does it often. You may be unaware of it or maybe it doesn’t happen at all but I have met many academics who do this over the years. If this person has a low tolerance of that kind of talking style and also isn’t keen on you that will be why she does it.

At work it’s unprofessional to cut across people, if it had been acceptable I would have interrupted many of my colleagues and tell them they needed to get to the point.

Whe I was a (mature) postgrad and my prof used to hold meetings for his Ph.D students I was the only female. There was one guy who often used to talk over me and interrupt. He was about 10 years younger than I. One day after he had done so several times I held up my hands and said "STOP" very loudly to bring all conversation to a halt. I then said "Keith thats three times in a row youve interrupted or talked over me. Dont do it again".

He probably called me a bitch behind my back but he never did it again.

One thing which has changed imv - is talking fast - people seem to think that rattling off their view or take on something must be done at top speed as, obviously, they are very busy and important.

I get annoyed when the radio features people like that. You have hardly grasped one point when they've gone on to the next.

This has contributed to the not listening in conversation i should think.

If you listen to the older journalists - Jeremy Bowen, Lyse Doucet, Kate Adie, who enunciate clearly and speak slowly you can see how things have changed

The people like me don’t mean to do it but find the waiting style of conversation boring and difficult.

But if you aren't listening to what the other person has to say and letting them finish their sentence, then it's not actually a conversation. It's a monologue - either in your head as you think what you're going to say quickly next, or coming out of your mouth. Do you find it 'boring and difficult' to listen to what other people are saying? Your friends? Family? Children?

I know someone like this. Lovely woman but you can never get to the end of a sentence before she's talking over you.

I think someone above unconsciously explained why this happens..

The people like me don’t mean to do it but find the waiting style of conversation boring and difficult.

A lot of people don’t seem to get that good conversation is comprised of two elements, talking and listening. The ‘waiting to talk’ bit should actually be the ‘listening to other contributions to the conversation’ bit - but many people are much better talkers than they are listeners, and regard the bits when they aren’t talking as dead time while they wait to talk again.

Social media has made this much, much worse - just look at any thread where people post the same point over and over again, or reiterate a mistaken or offensive opinion or conclusion despite numerous previous posts explaining why it’s erroneous or offensive. Nearly everyone jumps on and adds to the ‘conversation’, but very few take anything new away from it.

So quiet listeners are appreciated in gatherings as useful recipients of ‘conversation’ - but less appreciated when they try to actually speak, and force other bad listeners into ‘waiting mode.’

I said this on a thread just the other day op, people don’t get enough actual chat/ conversation now so everyone just ploughs on so they can tell what they want to, it’s bad manners but difficult not to do when caught up in conversation and excited to be talking to someone

This happens to me pretty much every day. I will be a few words into a sentence and someone will decide whatever they wish to say is more important or interesting so will talk over me. Or if I stop to draw breath someone will jump in and take the conversation in whichever direction they want, leaving my story unfinished or my point only half made. I think sometimes it can happen accidentally because conversations aren’t scripted, but I’ve come to realise that most of the time people just want to dominate the conversation and don’t have the patience to let someone else speak. People tell me I’m quiet but most of the time I just can’t be bothered competing to be heard.

This happens to me too. Not so much now as I don’t socialise very often anymore, but it used to happen a lot. Like you I am from a stable family, no particular social anxiety issues, I make friends easily. Yet I would get talked over so my words just ended up fading before I barely started. My sil still does it, annoys the hell out of me as she’s a detail oriented rambler, but I made a choice to let it go as I don’t see her that often.

@OneSparklyWasp that is my sil!!! Annoying isn’t it!

If it happens a lot in multiple settings with different people then unfortunately it is you OP. Something about your conversational style? Perhaps you start off too slowly and take a while to get to your point? Perhaps you speak in a way where the relevance of your point isn’t always clear to begin with? It could entirely be down to tone and the way you come across - softly spoken or just a bit too quiet. You say you aren’t boring but your example was about making soups which isn’t exactly the most exciting topic.

Happens to me too. Look up Jefferson fisher he has some great tips for moments like these

Do you pause slightly before starting to speak? Maybe people note the pause, and start to speak just after you have started to speak? Another time it can happen in groups is if one person talks about the topic but doesn't quite take part in the conversation. There is one woman at work who does this. We will all be discussing something and she will ask people to explain something or start talking about something related but not quite what is being discussed. People do interrupt her quite a bit.

This happens to me a lot. It's because people are bored and want to move the conversation on. It happens less when I make a conscious effort to be more succinct & less long long winded in what I'm saying.