What number?

Not reality for most of us @Blossomtoes

Many of us are equal partners in a relationship.
Many of us work on the principle that all money is 'our money'. Yes, once you can afford it, it is nice to have personal spending money - the same amount each - but first and foremost, all money and assets belong to both of us in our relationship.

It’s called reality.

Honestly, whatever works! I think as long as both partners have the same input and say into what happens, it doesn’t matter all that much.

Haha that's ok. It's funny, because we rarely argue, because our lifestyle choices are similar. We both have the same view towards gym membership (it's a yes), same view towards cars (reliable, but don't need to be flashy), same view towards holidays (happy to spend to a budget) ... And we do have a comfortable amount of total monthly income, which also helps.

Interesting - thanks for responding!

So I'd weigh up the validity of his concerns/reservations. If they weren't I'd explain why I feel his concerns are null and void, then still go ahead and do it. If they were (e.g. we don't have the money to facilitate it long term) I'd find some way to compromise, e.g. experience days or something. Then after a few sessions of my new hobby I guess it would be apparent whether his concerns were valid or not.

We share all finances, and have been married for 25+ years.

I often spend $500 to $1000 in Costco, all household and stuff for the kids. And would never check in on spending this. But I wouldn’t buy myself a $1000 necklace without running it past him, and he wouldn’t buy a kayak or something without talking to me.

its just the way we’ve always done things.

We put a set amount into a joint account for household costs and holidays. I would mention if we had an unexpected expense out of that.

I don’t check expenditure out of my own money with him, and I don’t expect him to check his with me.

How do you know? You can do all of the things on my list cheaply or expensively - it depends on your budget and priorities.

You’re making a lot of very odd and incorrect assumptions. FWIW we earn about 50k between us - we’re hardly rolling in it 🤣

Because the things you are talking about are not small amounts of money.
Most people in the country do not have large amounts of money 'spare' after bills have been paid, or after bills have been paid and some savings put aside for a holiday, and an emergency fund, and some saving up towards the next big purchase (like replacing the car).

Plus some of the posts on this thread have been about ridiculous vast sums of money.

Where did I say we didn’t have to budget?

We each pay a certain percentage towards the mortgage and bills and whatever is left over is ours to do what we like with.

Mine mostly goes on my animals, clothes, meals out, savings and riding when I get the chance. DH spends his on bikes, outdoorsy equipment and the odd takeaway. Once the bills are covered, I would never dream of thinking I had an say on what he spent his earnings on.

...... and again, all this shows is that you are in the small minority of couples who don't have to budget.

Most couples do consult each other about more expensive purchases - and I acknowledge where the line of "more expensive" comes will vary across the population - because if one partner is going off spending 'larger amounts of money' randomly without both partners having planned for it, then it means you don't, as a couple have enough money to pay that month's bills. Or maybe would be unable to have a holiday that year, or unable to overpay your mortgage or put enough into savings to replace the car when the time comes or refit the kitchen or whatever you are doing.

It isn't about "letting dh tell me I couldn't spend my own money on something I wanted", it is about two adults in an equal and respectful partnership married or not considering their income as family income and working out a budget between them.

I know lots of people on here do arrange their finances so that all income goes into one pat and both partners have an equal amount of spending money to do as they want with, but that doesn't give anyone enough money to spend large amounts without having conversations with their partner about it first.

So if you decided to take up a (paid for) hobby that he disagrees with, what would you do?

Lol I get that. It hasn't ever happened so it's hard to know. And we've been married over 12 years.... Hmm.... If I really wanted something and he didn't, I guess I'd buy it anyway, unless it was in some way immoral/unfair to him... But then I can't imagine I'd want anything that he wouldn't, as our values are pretty similar.

I'm glad it works for you but I would absolutely hate to be in a marriage like that.

I'd love to know what would happen if you really wanted to buy something and he disagreed, though. Would you buy it anyway? Or obey his wants and go without?

No... he doesn't hold me to account for anything, we just collaborate, because we are a team. Everything is all of ours, rather than part his and part mine.

We have a joint account but I have my own account where my wage goes in. I pay some bills and I spend whatever I want. I’ve never run it past DH and he doesn’t care

Do you not feel a bit infantalised to have to ask a man for permission to spend the money that you've earned?

A decade and counting - I'll have to go and tell DH that a stranger on the internet has told us we're not grown ups

But that's the point. It isn't my money or his money. It's our money.

Yeah my non adult relationship has been going on for 25 years. It’s almost as if, and I hope you’re sitting down for this, people can have adult relationships that work better or differently to Nevernotmaybe’s?! Can you imagine that?!

My non adult relationship has lasted almost 30 years - yours?

Why do you feel the need to denigrate a relationship set up that’s different from your own? It’s no more or less mature to consult each other about money than it is not to.