AIBU to mind DH overhearing my private online medical appointment?

55 replies

LongDarkTeatime · 30/04/2026 08:08

Yesterday I had a medical appointment online. DH and DC came home about 20 minutes before it ended, which was fine as I was in the office with the door closed. About 10 minutes before the end I was given a diagnosis, I was expecting it but it was still a bit emotional.

When I came out afterwards DH was near the door and ready to give me a hug. Later that evening he spoke about something that had been said when I was being given the diagnosis. I asked how long he'd been listening and he got grumpy, felt accused of listening in and I got the silent treatment.

I’ve learnt to give DH time to calm down/ think about stuff so went back later and got his usual half-hearted 'sorry if I was grumpy' followed later by 'sorry if I upset you.' When I tried to talk about it properly he said it wasn't his fault because he could hear me from the lounge. When I suggested he could simply have closed the lounge door when he realised he could hear me (something we both do when working and the TV is on), he said he just hadn't thought about it. He genuinely can't see the problem with having overheard a private medical consultation because 'he knew it all anyway.'

I tried to explain that that's not the point. I should have been free to say anything in a private appointment.

He has a track record for not recognising when he's caused upset, and not making any effort to change his behaviour, then not even ‘remembering’ the conversation. Over the years I've genuinely tried to behave as I'd want to be treated, to take clear responsibility when I mess up and say what I'll do differently. I'm not perfect but I do try.

AIBU to think that 'I could hear you' isn't a good enough excuse, and that the response to your wife having an emotional private medical appointment isn't to listen in and then act wounded when she's not thrilled about it?

For context, we've been together for decades, share finances and have full access to each other's phones. Our marriage isn't great due to interpersonal difficulties he has, and both of have wondered whether he is autistic.

Posting before work so will only be able to respond on breaks.

OP posts:

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 30/04/2026 08:23

I think if I wanted it to be private I would have chosen complete privacy for the appointment to take place, by not telling him about it, arranging for it to be at a time he was not home, taking the call in a car/car park etc etc.

This sounds like you’ve set a parameter or expectation without communicating your wishes, and I think a lot of people would expect the opposite, that their partner be involved and supportive.

Communication is key.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 30/04/2026 08:17

I don't know. If he was standing at the door listening, then that's not on. If he happened to overhear simply because he was in your shared house without all the doors closed, then I don't really see an issue. Perhaps you could have found somewhere more private to have had the consultation, or at least given him the heads up in advance that you wanted privacy?

To some extent, I think it depends on your relationship and previous conversations that you've had around privacy etc. DH and I are generally very open with each other and neither of us would assume that conversations taking place in our shared home were supposed to be private unless that was explicitly spelt out in advance.

Topseyt123 · 30/04/2026 08:16

I wouldn't want him prowling outside and directly listening, that would annoy me. It's presumptuous and intrusive.

I'd likely be telling him what was discussed once we were finished though. That would be my choice. DH and I were quite often in on each other's medical appointments, especially if it was something major that would affect the whole family over time.

It has to be agreed in advance though, not snooped on.

muggart · 30/04/2026 08:16

sorry to hear about your diagnosis op.

he didn’t realise that you wanted the appointment to be private. Imo, given that you are sharing all the medical information with him anyway, I actually think that was a reasonable assumption on his part. Not saying you’re wrong to feel the way you do but i wouldn’t give him a hard time about it personally.

thetinsoldier · 30/04/2026 08:11

YANBU. Your h should have given you privacy.

And he shouldn’t have made it all about him afterwards.

How are you feeling? what has he tried to do about his interpersonal difficulties to improve things?

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