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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to mind DH overhearing my private online medical appointment?

55 replies

LongDarkTeatime · 30/04/2026 08:08

Yesterday I had a medical appointment online. DH and DC came home about 20 minutes before it ended, which was fine as I was in the office with the door closed. About 10 minutes before the end I was given a diagnosis, I was expecting it but it was still a bit emotional.

When I came out afterwards DH was near the door and ready to give me a hug. Later that evening he spoke about something that had been said when I was being given the diagnosis. I asked how long he'd been listening and he got grumpy, felt accused of listening in and I got the silent treatment.

I’ve learnt to give DH time to calm down/ think about stuff so went back later and got his usual half-hearted 'sorry if I was grumpy' followed later by 'sorry if I upset you.' When I tried to talk about it properly he said it wasn't his fault because he could hear me from the lounge. When I suggested he could simply have closed the lounge door when he realised he could hear me (something we both do when working and the TV is on), he said he just hadn't thought about it. He genuinely can't see the problem with having overheard a private medical consultation because 'he knew it all anyway.'

I tried to explain that that's not the point. I should have been free to say anything in a private appointment.

He has a track record for not recognising when he's caused upset, and not making any effort to change his behaviour, then not even ‘remembering’ the conversation. Over the years I've genuinely tried to behave as I'd want to be treated, to take clear responsibility when I mess up and say what I'll do differently. I'm not perfect but I do try.

AIBU to think that 'I could hear you' isn't a good enough excuse, and that the response to your wife having an emotional private medical appointment isn't to listen in and then act wounded when she's not thrilled about it?

For context, we've been together for decades, share finances and have full access to each other's phones. Our marriage isn't great due to interpersonal difficulties he has, and both of have wondered whether he is autistic.

Posting before work so will only be able to respond on breaks.

OP posts:
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cholmondeleys · 30/04/2026 20:50

Tbh I’ve been surprised by many of the comments you’ve received OP, but maybe I’m out of step.
If I’d closed a door signalling I wanted privacy, then someone else realised I was having a confidential medical discussion but didn’t close another door to prevent his hearing and later mentioned aspects of it, dismissively stating he knew it all anyway, I would take exception.
Communication was made, not necessarily verbally, but definitely made. He knew about the call, heard the content, continued to listen in, had the nerve to talk about it later, dismissed your discomfort as he knew it all anyway. He disrespected your wishes and has overridden your emotions. Yet he’s not always been like this. I’d see a callous bully.

WhitePudding · 30/04/2026 18:13

I hope you are ok.

i will admit to finding the concept of wanting privacy on a medical call strange, I prefer my dh to be there especially if it’s upsetting etc as sometimes you lose focus and it’s easier if someone else is there to pick up what you don’t. But it’s each to their own.

Original poster
LongDarkTeatime · 30/04/2026 17:34

Thank you for every thoughtful and compassionate message, I appreciate them, from all viewpoints.
I've taken on board the different views (even the 'suck it up love, this is the life you've chosen so get on with it' ones) and how challenging it is when only given snippets of information.

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 30/04/2026 17:26

I think you have been through a stressful time and I hope you improve with the medication.
I however do t think your dh is at fault for a lot of what you have posted.
If you have unresolved issues I suggest you use the medication alongside counselling.
My observation is that he is getting the brunt of your frustration.

tinyspiny · 30/04/2026 17:21

I don’t think that your husband has done anything wrong here and frankly if I was in a marriage where I needed absolute privacy for a medical appointment I would be getting myself out of that marriage . Like pp I’ve been married a long time and have lots of long term health conditions and my husband has come to every appointment that he’s been able to attend and vice versa .

Charlenedickens · 30/04/2026 17:12

LongDarkTeatime · 30/04/2026 12:30

I was think about this in quiet points today. In trying to be brief and not give too much personal info I may have given an incorrect impression.

'DH' and I do not have a typical relationship, without derailing too much, he is happy in the marriage but only because he plays a his preferred practical role with very little emotional input. It wasn't always like this and I have tried to raise my needs but they are ignored/avoided. He is a very good man, a good housemate, a good father but not a great husband.

DH knew I was having the long consultation at home for privacy. He knows having the office door closed (for me or him) is for both sound blocking and privacy, and we often close the lounge door too. To be fair to him, he was tired.

DH never shares any private info until its almost concluded (even when he should) eg even the fact he's having medical appointments sometimes. He just doesn't think about it. But I'm open with it on the whole.

Unless absolutely necessary DH wouldn't join me in a consultation as he'd be too anxious to make it helpful for me (he'd be willing and knowledgeable but no thank you). That's why I manage all DC appointments, and he'd agree with this.

I think my reaction was to having my upset dismissed again. Its a pattern which doesn't seem to change, and yes I've tried.

So, yes I was shocked what I'd thought was private, wasn't. However I think my upset comes from having another example of a wider issue.

But you chose to stay, and this is your life, your decision. You can’t keep punishing him or being disparaging about him when you accept rhis, it’s unpleasant to read.

you don’t even sound like you like him very much and feel he’s to blame for everything even when it’s your fault. He obvs didn’t realise, he even tried to hug you. He wasn’t standing with his ear against the door. And it was on you to ensure privacy if that’s whay you wanted.

it is always better to take personal responsibility for our own behaviour as much as its way more satisfying to always make it someone else’s fault.

Luckyingame · 30/04/2026 16:39

I can see no problem.
If I didn't want my husband to know about my "ailments", I'd choose to live alone.

tripleginandtonic · 30/04/2026 16:06

Yabu, the onus is on you to be somewhere you couldn't be overheard,

BillieWiper · 30/04/2026 16:04

I guess for me I do sometimes overhear things and so do my family and it's a fine line. You kind of should almost pretend you didn't hear and let the person explain it.

But it depends on the seriousness of the subject and the general way you communicate. He was concerned and maybe was kind of eavesdropping. Which isn't right. But it didn't come from a horrible place.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/04/2026 13:19

I think my reaction was to having my upset dismissed again. Its a pattern which doesn't seem to change, and yes I've tried.

It's never going to change so if you want to stay in a relationship with him you just have to accept that.

Original poster
LongDarkTeatime · 30/04/2026 13:12

The diagnosis is not a catastrophic one, it's life-long and challenging, but manageable with medication. I was expecting it as its been a long journey getting here. So it was a specialist appointment he knew about but wherecI had to talk about sensitive stuff.
As said originally, we both suspect he has autism. I suspect it more than him, but then he has his specific needs met.
Edited for clarity

OP posts:
Onlythesaneones · 30/04/2026 12:58

This is the one of the problems with phone/zoom consults. It's hard to get privacy in a family home, unless you have a large house.
I'm fed up being offered phone consults, I have things going on I don't want my teen to know about and our house is tiny, you can hear from every room. And of course it's almost impossible to get an in person appointment because all the GP's are working from home.
(I know this was a private appointment and not relevant!)
YANBU to want privacy, eavesdropping is not on, but I assume you would discuss any medical issues with your DH anyway.

7238SM · 30/04/2026 12:57

Having read your update OP, have you both considered marriage counselling?

Calliopespa · 30/04/2026 12:56

Loulou4022 · 30/04/2026 12:48

I’m surprised so many wouldn’t want their husband with them on an emotional medical call??
If I was having any medical issues and was potentially getting an upsetting diagnosis I’d want my husband there to hold my hand, ask any questions I’d forgotten and also hear the info so if I couldn’t take it all in!!

I'd be dragging him along, but I guess we are all different.

OP has clarified now that their marriage isn't close emotionally, but unfortunately that's sort of a different thread and makes it hard for us to answer an AIBU if it turns on their own specific circumstances.

DeskGnome · 30/04/2026 12:51

Topseyt123 · 30/04/2026 08:16

I wouldn't want him prowling outside and directly listening, that would annoy me. It's presumptuous and intrusive.

I'd likely be telling him what was discussed once we were finished though. That would be my choice. DH and I were quite often in on each other's medical appointments, especially if it was something major that would affect the whole family over time.

It has to be agreed in advance though, not snooped on.

I wouldn't want him prowling outside and directly listening, that would annoy me. It's presumptuous and intrusive.

Well nor would anyone I'm sure, because that would be weird, wouldn't it?

I'm not sure why you've raised this though, given that wasn't what happened?

Loulou4022 · 30/04/2026 12:48

I’m surprised so many wouldn’t want their husband with them on an emotional medical call??
If I was having any medical issues and was potentially getting an upsetting diagnosis I’d want my husband there to hold my hand, ask any questions I’d forgotten and also hear the info so if I couldn’t take it all in!!

Gardenimp · 30/04/2026 12:42

I'd have wanted DH to hear, and on that basis I might have assumed he wanted me to hear too. I'd see it as supportive and caring rather than intrusive. If you'd told him you wanted privacy, that's different, but if you share all this information anyway, I don't know why overhearing (and showing interest in what you overheard) is so awful.

Original poster
LongDarkTeatime · 30/04/2026 12:30

I was think about this in quiet points today. In trying to be brief and not give too much personal info I may have given an incorrect impression.

'DH' and I do not have a typical relationship, without derailing too much, he is happy in the marriage but only because he plays a his preferred practical role with very little emotional input. It wasn't always like this and I have tried to raise my needs but they are ignored/avoided. He is a very good man, a good housemate, a good father but not a great husband.

DH knew I was having the long consultation at home for privacy. He knows having the office door closed (for me or him) is for both sound blocking and privacy, and we often close the lounge door too. To be fair to him, he was tired.

DH never shares any private info until its almost concluded (even when he should) eg even the fact he's having medical appointments sometimes. He just doesn't think about it. But I'm open with it on the whole.

Unless absolutely necessary DH wouldn't join me in a consultation as he'd be too anxious to make it helpful for me (he'd be willing and knowledgeable but no thank you). That's why I manage all DC appointments, and he'd agree with this.

I think my reaction was to having my upset dismissed again. Its a pattern which doesn't seem to change, and yes I've tried.

So, yes I was shocked what I'd thought was private, wasn't. However I think my upset comes from having another example of a wider issue.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 30/04/2026 10:02

JLou08 · 30/04/2026 09:48

If I was her DH I'd think she didn't want the child to hear or interrupt rather than that she wanted privacy from me.

Show quote history

Yes, I'd have assumed it was to stop noise from the children interrupting the call if my DH had done it. Or maybe to stop the dc hearing.

Of course if he told me he'd prefer to field it alone and debrief after, I'd give him that space, but I would not have just inferred it because he closed the door. And if I heard - without listening - I wouldn't pretend I hadn't: I'd have done what her DH did and addressed the substance of what I had understood.

I understand OP is feeling upset at how it played out but I don't honestly think her DH has done too much that was unreasonable.

7238SM · 30/04/2026 10:00

This all sounds down to poor/no communications and assumptions on both sides.

Receiving an actual diagnosis could be a life changing event for yourself, but also DH. I would have had my DH I the room with me- but clearly, we are different to you and your DH.

Charlenedickens · 30/04/2026 09:51

I’m wondering if your relationship is moved to one of siblings op. You seem irritated by him in general and saying some unpleasant things about him and you appear to want to blame him for anything thays your responsibility.

This man hasn’t done anything wrong, and he even tried to give you a hug, but you’re response is anger and that he should have known he wasn’t to know and he should have moved to make your conversation private. Not you. It wasn’t your job to make your conversation private, it was his.

maybe it’s the stress if the diagnosis, maybe your relationship has moved past that of a marriage and now simply one of convenience and irritation, secrecy and blame. It’s hard to guess.

JLou08 · 30/04/2026 09:48

thepariscrimefiles · 30/04/2026 09:45

Surely the fact that OP had the door shut was an indication that she wanted privacy for her medical consultation?

Even if she intended to share some of the details with him afterwards, what if her GP has asked about what support she had at home and she answered in a way that she wouldn't want her DH to hear.

Show quote history

If I was her DH I'd think she didn't want the child to hear or interrupt rather than that she wanted privacy from me.

JLou08 · 30/04/2026 09:46

I think it's a bit odd that you're bothered about this. Anyone other than your DH I could understand but I'd expect someone would want their spouse to be there when they receive news like that so they can support them. I would've done the same thing your DH did and I'd appreciate my DH doing it to so I got support straight away rather than having to go through explaining things to him.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/04/2026 09:45

muggart · 30/04/2026 08:16

sorry to hear about your diagnosis op.

he didn’t realise that you wanted the appointment to be private. Imo, given that you are sharing all the medical information with him anyway, I actually think that was a reasonable assumption on his part. Not saying you’re wrong to feel the way you do but i wouldn’t give him a hard time about it personally.

Surely the fact that OP had the door shut was an indication that she wanted privacy for her medical consultation?

Even if she intended to share some of the details with him afterwards, what if her GP has asked about what support she had at home and she answered in a way that she wouldn't want her DH to hear.

Charlenedickens · 30/04/2026 09:24

I think unless you articulate it, in most strong marriages you’d not assume it was private from your spouse, for me and my husband it wouldn’t be, so I’m not sure he’s done anything wrong here if I’m honest. You didn’t want him to know, he didn’t know this.