SHE LEAVES GAS ON REPEATEDLY FOR YEARS

Why can’t she be a couch hog and teacher?

I know a few teachers and they feel so burnt out that they struggle to do anything else when they’re at home.
This person obviously has something else going on too and so it’s believable that they’d act like this.

I can’t see where it says it started when she was 30 - it sounds like this has been happening her entire life but a decade is 10 years and so yes it has been happening over decades as the person is obviously older than 10.

OP obviously used the word decade so we know that this isn’t a new thing which could be the result of a mini stroke or something, this is very much her personality and has been for years.

I’m not sure why you’re struggling so much with this.

It’s no wonder people feel like they can’t start threads on MN anymore.

What is it with here replies and posters constantly trying to twist OP’s words or poke holes in her story.

Nothing she has said is unbelievable.

Maybe if you’re not familiar with ND or MH issues then you may find it hard that someone could act like the woman in question but that doesn’t mean OP is lying.

She had come on here as she is concerned for a vulnerable person.
If you don’t believe it, then don’t comment.

Have only skimmed the thread because it's rather chaotic but in a way this sounds a lot like it could be me and it's a combination of ADHD, peri/menopause and work stress means that you're left burnt out and barely able to function.

If she's an experienced teacher, she puts all her energy and focus into that and the rest of her life is a disaster. I don't do things like leaving the gas on/things plugged in because, instead of overlooking these things, I go the other way, meaning I have to check things multiple times, especially when leaving the house and even then I often need to return home because I'm convinced I missed something.

However, I have a friend who has autism and/or ADHD who's retired from a responsible job and it's clear that he's completely used to his DW following him around turning things off, closing doors and picking things up because when she's not around you can tell where he's been due to the trail of open doors, lights on, hob on when not in use etc etc (I know him due to a shared hobby where everyone stays in the same self catering accommodation and it's way beyond the 'lazy man leaves his socks lying around' level).

I don't know the answer but obviously leaving gas/electrical items on is a major danger that could have catestrophic consequences so she either needs to focus on not doing this or if she qualifies, look some type of supported living.

I didn’t see that posted anywhere? 😆

I hadn’t heard of equalising. Such a lot of work to do with my dd, who has a lot of demand avoidance issues.

As others have said it sounds a lot like severe inattentive ADHD combined with Autism with a Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) profile, maybe combined with depression or some other mental health condition.
The lying on the couch could be caused by mental exhaustion and overwhelm from masking all day at work. She'll be getting little hits of dopamine from continuously scrolling on her phone, which will make her feel good, a bit like an addiction.
On the smirking and lack of empathy when other people are upset, there's something called "equalising" in PDA where the PDA person has an overwhelming need to be "right" and "win" over another person in a stressful situation to make themselves feel in control. If the PDA person has done something wrong, the need to equalise often makes them be unnecessarily mean and harsh to make the other person "lose".
On the leaving the gas on and acting like she doesn't care, it'll be the ADHD making her forget and the PDA making her to refuse to accept any judgement of her behaviour and refuse to accept any demand to change. In my experience PDA people tend to blame everyone else or act as if normal expectations are unreasonable.
I don't have a lot of advice other than focus on helping their children and stay away from this person until they decide to change. I am low contact with the person in my life who is like this. You can't argue or convince someone with PDA. You have to wait for them to get self awareness and for them to seek help. My person is in their 80s and I'm still waiting.

Mine too. Hehe.

"non related relatives" is my new fave

Severe ADHD? My in-laws have ADHD and it’s incredible how the combination of nurture and nature in my BIL has resulted in someone who is so oblivious to stuff.

that or an addiction, eg alcohol or tramadol, so they’re not quite “with it”. My MiL also has the tramadol addiction in addition to the ADHD. Insanely difficult to be in the same house as her.

I'm pretty much the same too. I'm quite highly motivated in lots of ways, but extremely absent minded in others. I'm sure it's definitely a trait of something like ADHD, but I've never been diagnosed.

I'm just driving my poor DH mad over the years as he is the usually organised and efficient one - I'm the absolute opposite 🙃 😅

Can I suggest an alarm set on their phone for 10 minutes before they are due to leave the house, with a checklist of items to ensure are turned off? Object impermanence is so real.

You can be very chatty etc and the life and soul when adhd and autism are combined. So AuDHD.

I definitely agree with others that she sounds very anxious, which is why she is so reactive. It seems aggressive and nasty, but usually from a place of fear. And as has been mentioned she lacks insight and understanding for what she’s doing and therefore doesn’t want help or to change.

Are you drunk?

Yeah, I'm a teacher, have been for 23 years. Got diagnosed with autism and ADHD 2 years ago! I have noooooo short term memory

It does sound deliberate, is she actively trying to burn the house down? I would get the local fire brigade to pay her a visit, they can frame it as if they're visiting the neighbourhood.

Endangering their life and lives of their room mates??

"Room mates"? So not a relative/aunt or any of the rest of your tacked on back-story...

If lives are being endangered then call the police or social services. But if as I suspect it is your sibling, and you should be doing your homework, then you really need to wind your neck in.

Well if you are in the UK it's illegal. Its nice you want to help but she's managed this long without you so perhaps try working with her. Or if your cousins/nieces are under age or lack capacity themselves you can call Social Services or Adult Social Care for advice (again, if you are in the UK).

I'm not so sure that mh support is whats needed here @heygirlsitsme . If your relative has capacity, which it sounds as though she does, you could perhaps work with her to make the house safer- smoke detectors, alarms/timers, a modern hob where the gas automatically shuts off when the burners not lit, timers and alarms. But she'll need to agree.

A lot of what you've written in the thread is common with autism, difficulties showing empathy, inappropriate reactions to emotion, difficulties regulating her own emotions, not taking criticism well (RSD) not doing what people tell her to (PDA). Not fully recognising and appreciating risk. 'Spiky Profile' excelling in some areas but really struggling in other areas.