AIBU to worry about my teenager lying to his friends?

I understand that you dont want to shame him, thats understandable but I wouldn't shy away from him feeling anxious about being found out though. Negative feelings shouldn't be completely avoided. Its those negative feelings that stop him repeating the behaviour. If you protect him from himself it will just grow the problem. He needs to face this and correct it. But you can support him by not layering on your own feelings which ties in with the gentle parenting ethos. His mental health will be harmed more by you protecting him from learning how to cope on his own with difficult emotions.

It's sad but it sounds like you are handling it. Just keep reminding him he is enough. He doesn't need to be anything but himself. Or perfect. Ask him what it is he likes about his friends? Why does he like people? Why does he feel he doesn't have these same qualities?

We discovered relatively recently that a friend of my brothers thought we owned most of the town we grew up in as my brother used to chat about all the things my dad was planning for each of the properties they walked past en route to school. That brother grew up into a fairly sensible man so he will grow out of it but still with talking about. I would probably take the angle of the dairy off trouble it can get you into and that once started, such untruths can be hard to maintain.

Name changed for this.

I used to lie like this - in quite a similar way to your DS. I was convinced for a while that I have an underlying personality disorder, but now I’m not so sure - as a whole, the profile doesn’t quite fit (I have very stable relationships, a professional career etc - minimal drama in my life…). To reassure you, I have a normal happy life with a lovely DH and two well adjusted teen/adult DCs.

I think that the lying started as a bit of adolescent attention seeking and turned into a habit/stress coping mechanism. I stopped lying by treating it as stopping a habit - examining triggers and learning to hold back when Im
about to lie. I am sort of cured now - haven’t told any big lies for about 10 years, but I still have to fight the urge from time to time when I’m stressed. I wonder if thinking about this as a habit rather than a terrible shameful secret might help your DS?

Incidentally , I never got ‘found out’ but what made me decide to stop was realising that basing friendships and relationships on lies was holding me back from making deep connections. Once I managed to stop, I felt so much calmer and happier.

this is the first time I have ever shared an account of my past behaviour and I hope these thoughts might help you. Something about your post spoke to me.

I’m now a weird stickler for the truth if that helps!

My DH called me out when we first met 36 years ago and I just stopped overnight.

I think by that point it was over exaggeration for entertainment rather than lying but about really silly things and definitely more of a habit to the extent I don’t even think I realised I was doing it.

This reminds me of a guy called Will. He lied and the more we pretended we believed him the more elaborate the lies became. We used to regularly say “stop lying Will!” He was still a mate though.

teenage years is about awkward conversations. “I’ve seen you’ve messaged friends some quite elaborate tales. Talk to me about what’s going on…” your role is to support and guide so it’s not one to lose your shit with him over by a chance for a bonding moment to help him. I’m not sure it’s normal but it’s not totally abnormal and I think they get carried away.

I used to lie constantly as a teen, to open up the conversation or fit in I think.
I would suggest if you can afford it to plan some of those things he is boasting about, organising a holiday together that’s a bit different perhaps a long weekend to Amsterdam or trying indoor skydiving for example.
Not so much rewarding his behaviour but giving him real life slightly different experiences he can talk about with friends.

I used to be that child.

Mine story telling... ok lies... were probably for a vastly different reason to your son but some may track.

Mine were to cover up the fact we were very low income, that I was being emotional abused and neglected. It was to cover the fact I was deeply unhappy and felt shame about my real circumstances. This was primary school

As I got older to the point of your sons age and spending may years, withdrawn, shy, quiet, practically no friends and bullied relentlessly, I had found my people. I suddenly had friends and people who seemed to like me. But I thought I had to keep them interested, keep me interesting and thats when the story telling changed its reason.

I do believe that parents should be checking their young teenagers phones, and as you say OP your DS knows you do.

It must feel so much better that you had the conversation with him and his reaction is not surprising.

Lying is not a harmless part of growing up. How many of us lied to the scale of OPs DS, when we were growing up? Are our own DC doing it? No one has got hurt by your DSs lying but he does need to understand that integrity and honesty are fundamental personal characteristics that will see him go far in life.

I do not mean to sound harsh and you OP have handled the situation well. No reprimand or punishment, just mums intervention and support. Good luck!

Thats really nice OP. I think you handled it brilliantly and I like the idea of helping him cover his tracks for now - its like an amnesty for the time being and keeps communication open between the two of you on the matter.

I would say hes addicted to the thrill/drama of the lie and that is why he does it. He needs to find another way to get that gratification.

Firstly, does he know that you check his phone? If not, then you need to handle it carefully, as that’s quite a breech of trust for him.
If he flies off the handle because you did so, then ask him why that upsets him? If you’ve breached HIS trust, then you can raise how upset his friends would be that he’s breached theirs, with his lies. And make sure that he knows you will be checking his phone in the future, as well.
Once the subject has been raised, ask him why he feels the need to lie to his friends. They are his friends, and like him for who he IS, not for the things he tells them about himself. Talk to him about he would feel if he found out that one of his friends was lying to him. Would he trust them in the future? What if something really bad happened, and no one believed him.
My (now adult) DC was massively insecure. They didn’t lie, but they were absolutely the class clown and “loud”. They told me that they HAD to do that, because otherwise their friends “wouldn’t like them”. It wasn’t true, but that’s how they felt. It can be easy to mask those feelings of insecurity behind a front of some description. Maybe he just wishes he HAD done those things. Could he do some of them … start a martial art class (brilliant for self confidence) or some other hobby that he’s interested in, so he has something to actually talk about.

I agree that it’s not common.

I would be direct. I presume he knows you check his phone (which is fine at this age). Just say you’ve seen the messages and ask why he does it.

Explain the consequences of lying like this - people will work it out, it will cause embarrassment on his part and annoyance and distrust on the part of his friends.

Tell him he’s got to stop but that you want to help him stop. Would he speak to the pastoral team at school?

Does he know you check his phone? If so surely he will not be surprised when you raise it?

my question would be how do they believe him? My son and his mates know when each other go for a poo or in the bath, usually because they’re still on the phone. No way would any of them able to get away with stories like that. Saying that though they’re a varied group with some better off then others and all very aware of each others circumstances so none of them really go for bragging rights because some of the group (mine in particular) just can’t afford stuff. He does tell fibs about not wanting to do stuff though, he’ll text me and say “say no” then 10 seconds later I’ll get a snap asking if he can do something or go somewhere and I’ll reply saying no not this time because of xyz and then I’ll see him screenshot that reply to send and say “mum says I can’t” 🤣

14 yr old DS goes to school with a boy like this. Tells ridiculously lies, everyone knows they are ridiculous lies and just think he's an idiot. He's not doing himself any favours. DS tells me about all the stupid things this boy has claimed to do.

They probably don’t. I had a friend like that in high school. Always pretends she had done things and been places she hadn’t. We all used to pretend to believe it and ask her loads of questions just to see how far she would take the lies. 14 year olds aren’t stupid unless he’s like sociopath level liar but then you have a whole other issue

I don’t think it’s is common. I’ve never experienced it either as a teen or as a stepmother to three teens. What I did encounter was a teen who lied compulsively and then started to go off the rails quite seriously. Example, slept in for work after a work night out, text his boss saying he’d attempted suicide and he’d been left paralysed (but still able to use his phone) this quickly escalated to low level fraud but fraud all the same. I’d known this boy since he was 7 and the these things happened when he was 19. I’m not trying to scare you but I think it’s a bit more serious than trying to fit in/feeling insecure.

I would recommend him seeing someone again as there seems to be a psychological issue at play that a ‘gentle’ chat can’t and won’t fix.

My daughter knows a girl that tells lies all the time. She’s known her for many years and the lies have caught up with her. She’s known as a liar and people don’t take her seriously and she doesn’t have any close friends as they can’t believe anything she says.
I would tackle it sooner rather than later, impressing upon him that he has to have a good memory to keep up with all the lies and that they will catch up with him and people will not trust him once he’s known as a liar.

I believe it is a common adolescent phase. I vaguely remember my brother going through a phase of lying.

This is not common behaviour surely. OPs DS is making up a parallel existence. One day maybe he is going to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. If that person is PPs child and he feeds them with these lies will PPs all be saying it is just him lacking confidence or him growing up?

One of the first rules I gave to my now ADD, many years ago when she started secondary school was that she should never lie to me because I will always find out. And I did! That rule also extends to her friends, family and the wider community.

My ADD has a friend who is and always has been a pathological liar to the point that their friendship group, which began at secondary school, do not even know what she does for a living. Apparently she is an international lawyer. She really isn’t!

OP, talk to him. He may laugh it off and give every reason to not be worried. But he is your DS and he has to know that you know.

I’d raise it directly but maybe I’d frame it as though I think he is joking to his friends rather than outright lying to them. It might make the conversation less difficult. ‘Why are you telling ridiculous lies to your friends’ sounds way more cutting than ‘OMG I can’t believe that your friends are falling for your silly stories, I hope you tell them you are joking?’ Iyswim

Is it a case of someone saying "oh yeah I'm going to Spain/Greece/skiing" and him saying he's already been (or also going) on similar holidays? Or a friend mentioning a sport and him then saying he used to do that and got medals for it?

Or is he starting the conversations?

I think there's a difference between those two scenarios