Page 3 | To cancel night out because I don’t like one of the women coming?

Brownbl · 29/04/2026 18:22

OP, so many unpleasant obtuse replies.
Ysnbu at all...

I would bail and I wouldn't give it a second thought.
£50 when things are tight to something that won't be relaxing?
Not a chance.
Pull out, and wish them well.

See if you can meet up with either of the others that are not close to her, even for a coffee some day.

I don't spend 5 minutes, much less £50 with anyone I feel is unpleasant.

Original poster

rollingback · 29/04/2026 18:16

And as for what’s changed - nothing. I said yes largely out of habit; I don’t get out much (!) so it’s nice when I do get an invitation. However, when I was going through my budget for this month it got me thinking whether it would actually be worth it in the sense of it being enjoyable.

OP posts:

Original poster

rollingback · 29/04/2026 18:15

It isn’t really snippy remarks. I’ve been trying to explain what it is and obviously not doing a great job. But for example if you imagine you’re telling a funny story (intended to be humorous anyway) and someone sits there and doesn’t react at all, or if you’re explaining about something that happened at work and then she’ll say something completely unrelated that stops the conversation.

I also recently organised a collection for someone seriously unwell and it wasn’t acknowledged by her (or paid!) - I don’t mind, but it does leave me that uncomfortable sense that had someone else organised it she’d have responded. It’s all a bit strange and it is possible I’m putting my own wrong interpretation on actions.

OP posts:

Cocktailglass · 29/04/2026 18:06

Could you ask her why she says these snippy remarks amd say it's unpleasant for you? Sometimes people aren't aware or will change their behaviour when brought up on it. Xx

Original poster

rollingback · 29/04/2026 18:05

Charlenedickens · 29/04/2026 17:51

I find this very immature, and if you’re a grown up I’m surprised you’re still behaving like a school girl

there is a woman in our group I don’t gel with, I’m sure she feels the same about me, it’s fine, we are more than able to be grownups about it.

if you can’t, don’t go,

I don’t know why you’re accusing me of being immature, I haven’t done anything other than consider not going on an expensive night out I’m unlikely to enjoy.

I know others can overlook behaviour from others; I can’t. It does upset me and make me feel foolish and self conscious.

Thanks @WallaceinAnderland . I think that the one person she is very pally with in the group possibly enjoys that elevated status and the others are just perhaps more confident than I am. We met nearly six years ago; our lives probably were fairly similar in many ways but the gap has widened and I am feeling a tad out of sync.

OP posts:

WiseBearOldGal · 29/04/2026 18:02

It’s depends - for me, if we didn’t like each other but we’d always faked it for the sake of the group I’d go. If it was well known amongst the group we didn’t get on or like each other I wouldn’t go. No need to overthink it, do what feels comfortable.

Gwenna · 29/04/2026 17:58

rollingback · 29/04/2026 17:36

I haven’t said that.

I have tried to be patient and polite but I do think you’re being quite argumentative intentionally. I am really sorry if this isn’t the case but it is getting a little bit tiresome now. I’ve had some upsetting news since starting this thread (nothing to do with the subject in question) and I could really do without what I’ve said being twisted.

To clarify on the chance you’re not being intentionally contentious, at no point have I said that she has ‘dour looks aimed only at me.’ I have said that she is sometimes a bit sharper and more critical of me than I feel she is to others but I have been clear throughout the thread (and if you click on ‘see OP posts’ you can confirm that yourself) that this may only be my interpretation as I’m obviously going to be a bit more aware at comments aimed at me.

@Gwenna I’d definitely go without her; it would be quite a nice night out then.

Thanks @MissMoneyFairy . I would need an excuse as I’ve already said I’ll go … I am leaning towards going and using it as the basis as to whether to bother with future events really.

Show quote history

Do what feels right for you OP - what does that still small voice within say? Take care of yourself, it sounds like you’re having a difficult time on top of it 💖
As an aside: If it helps, I didn’t go to the theatre the other night because I just couldn’t decide what to wear and after about an hour I realised it was because I simply wasn’t feeling right in myself due to a few outside things going on. So I just put my pyjamas on instead of yet another outfit, and let myself relax. I was a bit upset that I missed out, but I knew I had made the right choice for myself. Do that for you 🌺

WallaceinAnderland · 29/04/2026 17:54

Sorry OP, I didn't mean to come across like that. I'm trying to gauge whether others in the group have the same problem with her as you do, or whether you are more aware of her body language, etc.

If she is just miserable with the whole group then it's probably just her nature but again, I was wondering why you were happy to accept the invitation originally but then changed your mind as it got closer when materially, nothing had changed from the original plan. In other words, trying to work out if it's you with a perhaps less social nature, or whether everyone could be a bit fed up with her.

Sometimes though, even when people are miserable, it's still nice to include them (think Eeyore). I got the feeling that you thought it was aimed at you personally, rather than her just being her.

Charlenedickens · 29/04/2026 17:51

I find this very immature, and if you’re a grown up I’m surprised you’re still behaving like a school girl

there is a woman in our group I don’t gel with, I’m sure she feels the same about me, it’s fine, we are more than able to be grownups about it.

if you can’t, don’t go,

Original poster

rollingback · 29/04/2026 17:36

WallaceinAnderland · 29/04/2026 17:20

Do the others in the group notice her dour looks aimed only at you OP? If she's doing it right in front of them, surely someone would have said something to you by now?

I haven’t said that.

I have tried to be patient and polite but I do think you’re being quite argumentative intentionally. I am really sorry if this isn’t the case but it is getting a little bit tiresome now. I’ve had some upsetting news since starting this thread (nothing to do with the subject in question) and I could really do without what I’ve said being twisted.

To clarify on the chance you’re not being intentionally contentious, at no point have I said that she has ‘dour looks aimed only at me.’ I have said that she is sometimes a bit sharper and more critical of me than I feel she is to others but I have been clear throughout the thread (and if you click on ‘see OP posts’ you can confirm that yourself) that this may only be my interpretation as I’m obviously going to be a bit more aware at comments aimed at me.

@Gwenna I’d definitely go without her; it would be quite a nice night out then.

Thanks @MissMoneyFairy . I would need an excuse as I’ve already said I’ll go … I am leaning towards going and using it as the basis as to whether to bother with future events really.

OP posts:

Gwenna · 29/04/2026 17:20

rollingback · 29/04/2026 12:37

I don’t get out much so probably why I’m overthinking!

Going out in a group of five of us. One of the five is dour, miserable and sarcastic. I don’t like her and I think the feeling is reciprocated.

On the other hand I do like the others and it would be nice to go out. Part of me thinks it’s silly to go if I’m not going to enjoy it much but another part thinks I shouldn’t let one rude person dictate my social life.

Understandable but it depends how much you want to go. Would you go without her there?

WallaceinAnderland · 29/04/2026 17:20

Do the others in the group notice her dour looks aimed only at you OP? If she's doing it right in front of them, surely someone would have said something to you by now?

ERthree · 29/04/2026 17:16

She doesn't like you ? Even more reason to go and sparkle❤

MissMoneyFairy · 29/04/2026 16:45

It's obviously causing you upset and doubt, after your updates I wouldn't bother going, you won't enjoy it and it's a lot of money. You don't need an excuse, just say you can't make it.

Original poster

rollingback · 29/04/2026 15:59

I know and that’s what I need to decide. It’s a tough one. I think we all started on the same sort of footing but over the years the gap between me and the others has widened and this woman has meant that social occasions aren’t enjoyable any more.

OP posts:

minipie · 29/04/2026 15:45

Of course you can bail if you’re not going to enjoy it OP. As a one off that makes sense.

But if this keeps happening then it may well play out against you - if you pull out often enough you get seen as flaky and may stop being invited. Which is a great shame for you.

Ultimately being part of a group does involve learning to live with the ones you don’t like as much. It’s up to you whether being part of the group is important enough to you to do that.

Original poster

rollingback · 29/04/2026 15:42

I must have explained it badly as it isn’t really like that. It’s more just dour looks and thinly veiled contempt in terms of the way she looks at me rather than withering put downs or anything like that. But in any case I agree with @LiviaDrusillaAugusta that it’s unpleasant for others in the group if I use an evening out to make disdainful remarks (which I wouldn’t be any good at anyway.)

OP posts:

champagnetrial · 29/04/2026 15:30

I have a frenemy like this. Unfortunately when I encounter her it is usually impromptu (in that, I didn't know she would also be there).

I would LOVE an opportunity for a pre-planned evening so that I could rehearse all the pithy one-line ripostes I usually only think of AFTER I've seen her.

So I say, forewarned is forearmed and all that.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/04/2026 15:23

rollingback · 29/04/2026 14:47

I don’t doubt she’s unhappy / stressed and I’ve no idea if it’s ‘just’ that or if there is something about me she dislikes, but either way it just makes me tense and anxious and then I become shy and awkward, although I’m not in other scenarios!

Life is too short to be stressing about something that is supposed to be fun. Just give it a swerve and perhaps try to expand your friendship base if possible.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/04/2026 15:21

Francestein · 29/04/2026 15:01

I don’t believe in bitching behind people’s backs. It’s cruel. I have no problem calling people out for bad behaviour. In your case, I would wait until she gets a dig in and start by asking her if she is quite okay. Let her know that you find her negativity abrasive/exhausting/whatever and you want to know if it’s aimed at you personally or is she the princess of darkness with everyone?

Edited

And cause drama… nobody wants to sit in an atmosphere, and by tackling her, OP would look like the villain.

Francestein · 29/04/2026 15:01

I don’t believe in bitching behind people’s backs. It’s cruel. I have no problem calling people out for bad behaviour. In your case, I would wait until she gets a dig in and start by asking her if she is quite okay. Let her know that you find her negativity abrasive/exhausting/whatever and you want to know if it’s aimed at you personally or is she the princess of darkness with everyone?

ThatBlackCat · 29/04/2026 15:00

OP you don't have to do anything. You don't have to go. You owe her nothing. You owe the others nothing. You don't need to martyr yourself, or make yourself feel uncomfortable. Why pay money to feel uncomfortable? Why? What's the point? What a waste of money and time. Use that money to buy yourself a nice bottle of wine or something (if you drink), and/or a nice takeaway, cake, whatever, watch a movie, chill at home. That, will be bliss. Don't throw money away to be miserable or uncomfortable. Life's too short. Don't waste your money and time. Look after you and make yourself happy.

Crushed23 · 29/04/2026 14:58

In my 20s, I would have gone on the night out and suffered in silence.

Now in my 30s, I just think “fuck that shit”.

I refuse to put myself through unpleasant situations, which hanging out with a dickhead most certainly is. YANBU.

Original poster

rollingback · 29/04/2026 14:47

I don’t doubt she’s unhappy / stressed and I’ve no idea if it’s ‘just’ that or if there is something about me she dislikes, but either way it just makes me tense and anxious and then I become shy and awkward, although I’m not in other scenarios!

OP posts:

AgentPidge · 29/04/2026 14:31

rollingback · 29/04/2026 13:29

Thanks @Gloriia

That wouldn’t end well @Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff - for one thing, I just haven’t got the punch in my voice for the delivery. It would sound weak and limp. And it wouldn’t be well received - it would make the evening awkward which isn’t fair on others.

I had almost exactly this situation in my book group. Everyone was terrified of 'Rachel' because she is super clever and articulate, but sadly, not very nice . She picked on me and one other. Then I heard her say to someone else along the lines of "Pidge usually chooses awful books but one was actually OK" so I said "Hang on, which ones were awful?" and she just smiled at me. She was glad I'd heard.
But things improved after a mutual friend was ill and we both went to see her (at different times). Friend told me Rachel's DH had had an affair and presumably this prickliness was her way of dealing with the hurt. But friend must also have put in a good word about me, because Rachel has treated us both like all the others since then. I'll never fully trust her but we can carry on a civilised conversation in the group. I really hope you can go, and they your Rachel behaves herself. She doesn't sound very happy.

But she's OK with me now, because someone had a word with her, someone she liked and respected. I found myself walking home with her once as we left someone's house and I asked her opinion about an author and just let her talk.