To cancel night out because I don’t like one of the women coming?

Gray rock her

It seems the problem may have solved itself this time 👍 I like to think I can be gently confrontational. For what it's worth, I've got suggestions for you and fellow social worriers.

• Changes the subject while you're still talking: Sorry, Jane, was I boring you?
• Poker face at funny story: Oh dear, Jane's not amused. What silly things have happened in your life lately?
• Can't your DH do it: I want to do it myself.

Don’t be frightened or intimidated by her. You like the others. So go.
If she is rude tell her she is being rude. She will be so shocked it might do her good.

I wonder if they pulled out because dour lady is going.

2 have pulled out already, I'd just let karma takes its course.

I would feel the same about this night out as you do OP.

I am quite a sensitive person and have endured work nights out with colleagues who I don't get along with and it was horrible.

I think another poster mentioned giving this night out with this friend group one last go and then in future just inviting the friends you do get on with to do things.

Friend groups splinter off, it's normal and by the sounds of it, you are not the only one who has noticed this woman's surliness. If she chooses to behave like a cow then you can also choose to not share space with her; socialise with whomever you wish. Life's too short.

OP i would find it difficult to go too. It would give me anxiety just considering it!
Maybe you say to yourself, right i will try this one more time, try to steer the conversation to topics you know the other ladies will respond too.
If it really is crap being in her company, make a decision to pass the next time.
Or you suggest an outing or something for next time that suits more to your interests, and see if she comes.

I totally get what you’re saying.
The vibe of the people sets the tone for the night. One person bringing negativity and meanness to a small group would have a big impact on me too. I would be on my guard/triggered and it’s not a mind over matter fix. My nervous system reacts and I can’t switch it off.

I pushed through lots of nights like this but it’s draining. I would try and see people separately and only go to full meet-ups when all 6 can go so she is more diluted.

I think you should go on this occasion and use it potentially as a final gathering of this group before you bow out. It may just change your mindset from being hurt by this indifference from one person to not really being affected by it.

She may act differently this time who knows!
Not everyone is going to like you … that’s life and that’s normal but it’s how you respond that makes all the difference. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Let them think what they want to think. You don’t have to see her at any other time.
You may be absolutely spot on that she would rather just be with the one person in your group that she responds on the chat to but there are also three other people in your outing that very much want you to be included. Enjoy their company.
Weirdly two very special people in my life who became great friends I started off not initially liking or wanting to spend any time around. Not saying that may be the case but just shows how wrong you can get it sometimes.

as someone who is also dour, miserable and sarcastic, I promise we don’t mean it personally. Go, be pleasant but take a wide berth and enjoy your night! If it’s unbearable, go home. Life is too short.

80:20 rules- it’s good enough, go on out and keep your distance from her

Then just don’t go op. But accept you’re kissing goodbye to these friends,

say are you always this rude lol.

@rollingback go, there’s a chance she might pull out 😬

With the benefit of hindsight and time, I can see that my dour friend was feeling insecure and dissatisfied with her life - she would have loved to have children but never met the right person. I’m not saying this as a smug married person with children btw, 2 others in the group are living very happy child-free by choice lives!

I used to be in a friendship group of 5 and one was similar to how you describe: dour and miserable summed her up quite well. We all went to school together many moons ago and stayed in touch for about 10 years afterwards. I never really knew her that well at school - there were 2 “central” people in the group and the other 3 of us were friends with 1 or both of them.

Anyway, I found 2 approaches helped:

1 - Pull her up on it, every single time. It doesn’t need to be confrontational and you don’t need a loud/assertive voice. Just a pleasant “sorry Jane what do you mean?” type response to her sarcasm. Watch Jefferson Fisher on Instagram for ideas.

2 - Kill her with kindness. Have a 1:1 chat, show interest in her life, ask questions. She’s probably coming across as miserable because she feels miserable. I’m not saying she deserves reward for her bad behaviour, but it’ll be harder for her to be rude with this approach. My dour friend was awful in a group but really quite nice in a 1:1 situation.

I asked this and answer was no she wouldn’t ask. Or something along those lines.

Go with the aim of rising above it and not sitting too close to her ans if she really gets on your nerves plead a headache and go home.

It depends how bad she is really.

I fully agree with this

I think because of this you should go on this occasion so that you don't become a peripheral part of the group and, as you have suggested, use the time to observe everyone and how they all interact.

But, shortly after, see if you can arrange a meet up just with 2 or 3 of the others that you get on with. These groups do not always have to include everyone and it's ok to splinter off into smaller groups sometimes.

Life is too short and you’re too old (no offence, you’re older than me and I consider myself the same!) to be spending time, money, energy on people and company you don’t enjoy. Don’t go. Who gives a hoot what dour face thinks.

Socialise with those people you enjoy. If they ask, explain why kindly but don’t offer it up otherwise. So what if it bothers you? Don’t see her again. Why play at school girl games? You don’t like her, you don’t like her. Time in life is short. Spend it with people you like. Sounds like she is of the same opinion and that’s ok.