To cancel night out because I don’t like one of the women coming?

Did you go?

I completely understand, I have a colleague I give a wide berth to at work due to past history. I am nothing but civil and nice but keep it all very professional and work related only.
Their presence at work events change the vibe so much it makes me feel very on edge so I opt out, get moaned at for being boring and anti social but I am of an age where self preservation and self esteem is worth more that I don't wish to spend my spare time with people who treat me badly.

I have a relative I despise, there is history there, I kill her with kindness. We have been invited to her big birthday party. I’m only going because I know she will be pissed off I am there, yes I am that childish but I will be delightful. I can imagine her friends will say how nice it was to meet me or if she has moaned about me say I thought you said she was (insert swear word here). I am positively Machiavellian in situations like this.

If people want to judge me then go ahead but she behaved appallingly at the graveside of my child who we were burying. Even her own Mother says she is difficult and can be horrible. Be glad you are not related to her.

I have cancelled in the past due to disliking a member of the crowd.

She is nothing but trouble and I’d rather not spend my rare, free evenings with her.

All good.

I definitely wouldn't go. Don't the others realise she's being rude to you? What's wrong with them? I'd reconsider my involvement with the whole group. I'm having a similar situation with someone who seems to have it in for me but as she's a family member it's harder to avoid. Don't put yourself through it, I'd say.

I would go with the intention of having a good time with all and being pleasant with everyone (even the woman you don't like). Give her the benefit of the doubt. We can never know what is going on in someone's life. Like you said: "she wasn't always that way". A little compassion goes a long way. Personally, I never absorb people's negative energy or reflect it back to them. I simply accept them as they are and refrain from being judgmental.

@rollingback you need to perfect the tinkly laugh

“can’t your H do it?”
you <tinkly laugh> oh that’d be wonderful wouldn’t it… I’ll have to get you to have a word with him

her: <dour look>
you; <tinkly laugh> oh love your face is a picture, you do make me laugh.

stop showing her she’s getting to you.

I get it tho, my DH daughter was barefaced icy with me the last time we saw her a few weeks ago and it really did ruin the mood of everything for me. I’ve not seen her for years and quite frankly can easily go another few decades years without putting myself through it again

i wasn’t expecting it this time tbh, next time ill be better prepared. I’ll grey rock and stare at the menu for ages 😂

She sounds very unpleasant and very HARD work @rollingback but it’s interesting that 2 others have cancelled. Are they the 2 others she also doesn’t acknowledge in the group chat? Could they have cancelled due to her attitude do you think?
it seems obvious that she’s far from happy but that’s her stuff. From what you’ve said, it seems like she is very bothered by you and is deliberately trying to undermine you. The problem is that she has gotten away with it and this has left you feeling on the back foot. So she’s empowered to continue, while you’re now retreating into your shell to protect yourself. So the dynamic has shifted and it sounds like for you it would be too much at this stage to address it, even very passively. So that leaves you feeling uncomfortable in the group as you’re waiting to be targeted again. That doesn’t sound like a good position to be in and I can see why you would object to paying £50 for the privilege, who would look forward to that? Are you in contact with members of the group 1to1? Could you arrange a coffee and a catch up with 1 or 2 of them?

Sometimes people pick up that you don’t like them and match your energy. Could this be the case here? If she’s just like this with you, maybe she knows you don’t like her and her attitude towards you reflects that. Sometimes the smallest change in body language sends a very powerful message. You might not even realise you’re doing it.

Of course you can’t like everyone and group dynamics can be tricky if one person is skewing the atmosphere. Personally I wouldn’t go if I knew I was t going to enjoy it.

I wonder why 2 others have cancelled?

I think if you do reply to her it is just the way to getting ostracised by the group

Even though others have noticed they have never said a thing and continue to sit and talk as a group with her. Probably because they know if you go then one of them will be her next target. These type of people always need someone they can feel superior to.

I can forecast the evening if you do confront her.

She will turn on the waterworks and everyone will gather round her feeling sorry for her and you will end up leaving.

This woman is a Wendy and you unfortunately are her first target.

I am presuming she doesn’t want her friend to be friends with others in the group/ have anyone else but her

I personally wouldn’t want to spend a penny going out with someone who is going to give me dirty looks all evening.

Honestly, I would call her out in front of the group. Bluntly.

"Do you have something against me, X? No? Then why are you so rude all the time? And why that look of disgust when you talk to me?"

She's getting away with it because you are all far too polite.

I think there are loads of things you can say, which just say you see what she is doing.

So in the “Can’t you husband do it” instance you could have replied “Jane, is everything OK, I mean you’ve just jumped down my throat and I don’t deserve that.” she might have escalated but you can have a reply ready.
She currently feels safe to do this, and she shouldn’t.

It does sound as if it's solved itself, probably partly due to people avoiding her!

I think the expense does make the difference. If it were a cheaper night out, I would just go and ignore her, and see how it went.

Sounds like the event has fizzled out and let you off the hook !
This woman also sounds like she owes you money which I think says something about her character which I couldn’t put up with. Once maybe but if no response to pay up then that’s just not fair to you, especially as like many you need to budget. Its just disrespectful, the same as her attitude to you.
As you get older you will look back and wonder why you put up with her.
if you have a hobby, maybe go to a group and meet some new people or as mentioned before, organise something yourself with those you get on with.

This is very me.
My time is so precious.
I am a bit of a princess in my 60's about my time.
I will no thanks in a minute, if it doesn't suit me.

There are so many great, solid, supportive women out there.
I would no more spend an evening with one sour arse killing the vibe, for a minute.
Not happening!
Funnily enough, in my large fantastic circle of women in their late 50's and 60's, they are the same.
Love, kindness and support, only.
Anything else, we be TOO busy.

I’m selective who I spend my time with so one person being there I don’t like is enough for me to cancel. One person can ruin an evening and cause me to be irritated afterwards so now, if I know someone I dislike is coming, I don’t go.

If she starts being horrible, you could always say..... "Are you having a bad day today? as, you couldn't possibly be that rude, if you were having a good day!" It has worked for me.

I would go and be sugary sweet and kind towards her. Go and enjoy your evening, it would be such a shame to miss out🫠x

This is a common issue. Kill them with kindness comes to mind. Any snarkiness: "oh, I'm so sorry, have I offended you". With genuine concern on your face and in your body language. You're telling her she's being rude, by apologising for having been rude first. You also have the option of 'pre-empting'. "I'm struggling with something so I need lots of positivity and supportive words, kindness". Or: "that was really funny but I don't have any resilience for sarcasm today, I'm dealing with a difficult situation at work". I'd be tempted to have a chat with someone you're closer to in the group and ask them to stay close to you or intervene if there's too much negativity. Good luck and remember: it's not easy making friends as an adult so def worth keeping those you like, even if you have to tolerate someone you don't.

I'm quite stubborn, so I wouldn't let her ruin my night. My personal opinion is go, take up space, and have a great time with the others, and just exchange the niceties with the lady you're not keen on.

Rearrange something with the others, either as a group or 1-1.

Probably for the same reasons as you were considering!

Don't go.. Make an. excuse. IIlness or something. Life is to short to be trying to socialise with people you don't like.
You don't owe her anything

Try and the other members of the group without her.

Don’t go, you will be on edge when you should be enjoying yourself, what’s the point?