Page 2 | Why does my mum do this? Feeling crushed

Greensts · 2026-04-29T11:06:28+00:00

I was pregnant age 31 and my partner of two years left me. It was the most horrendous time of my life and I felt so alone and scared. I went through the last four months of my pregnancy alone and gave birth alone. Had to claim cms for ex to pay and he didn’t see our daughter until she was 10 months old. At the time my parents were pretty shit. They are wealthy and gave me a lot of financial support which they refer to all the time, but along the way I was told I had made a complete mess of my life, that ex had left me because I was so difficult and that I would never cope on my own with a baby. There’s lots more examples like that but that gives a flavour of it. I tried my best to be civil with ex for our daughter’s sake. He now sees her regularly though can’t cope with overnights apparently. This means that sometimes, as DD only just 3, that there’s times when we’ve both attended her ballet class for example as she’s wanted us both to go. I know I’m not obligated to do this but I have managed to be civil. My parents know we are absolutely not in a relationship. My parents but particularly my mum have tried to invite ex to various things. They came to DD’s ballet show recently and invited him to Christmas (!!) and when I said I was meeting a friend after ballet and he was taking DD out for the afternoon, mum asked him there and then if he wanted to get lunch with them instead first. I was very upset by this and when I raised it with her she completely dismissed me and said she was doing it for DD and I was very dramatic and controlling. I feel like I have no relationship with her anymore as everything feels like a betrayal with her. AIBU dramatic, is she right? It took me such a long time to even feel remotely like myself after what he put me through and I just can’t really understand why, having seen that first hand, she would want him in their life.

Boomer55 · 29/04/2026 13:34

My parents kept in touch with my ex after I divorced him, after 20+ years. All good in my mind. He’d been part of the family.

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 29/04/2026 13:28

She took steps to prevent us getting back together when we first split.. I genuinely think she wanted me to be a lone parent like she was. So I have no idea behind her giving him pics. Guilt maybe?

Itsseweasy · 29/04/2026 12:48

I feel for you OP. I too have narcissistic parents and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done to a) see them for who they really are b) come to terms with it c) set boundaries.
It’s absolutely not you or anything you’ve done wrong - you’re amazing and deserved better from them.

xxxlove · 29/04/2026 12:47

I mean....let's speak practically for a minute ....
your parents are rich and you will inherit one day, grandchild perhaps too?
they want a relationship with GC's father? - unless they are going to do things behind your back....is any possibility that this actually turns out better in the long run than you imagine now is actually on God's cards?? - you get inheritance, your parents woo the man to be more attentive to his child and ole that

Whatacoincidence · 29/04/2026 12:44

Comiserations, OP. My mother does this too albeit I co parent with my useless ex a bit more as he has her for a whopping 8 hours a week and phones every day 🙄.

She invites him for Christmas - he accepts and is there when I arrive. She seems to be enjoy the triangulation as like with yours she constantly tells me the the relationship breakdown was my fault and I should have worked harder.

I think our parents are always our first abusers and condition us to accept terrible partners.

Just ignore her barbs, she sounds like a mean old witch, exactly like mine who is simultaneously cockahoop I am on my own and enjoying the 'poor xh you have to help him' routine.

shellyleppard · 29/04/2026 12:43

Op I feel for you. My mum insisted on having my ex-husband and his little son around for Christmas dinner after we split. I went to work at the nursing home the first year it happened. Every time she had him round for Sunday dinner I was at work. Eventually I moved away.... problem solved. My dad still mentions him now and its been 30 years since I divorced!!!

Takeoutyourhen · 29/04/2026 12:42

Preferential treatment of an ex who may or may not have been abusive or controlling, by a parent is a massive kick in the teeth.

Metromayhem · 29/04/2026 12:36

Absolute weird “pick me” behaviour. The lack of loyalty some people have to their own kids astounds me. I would never. I am so sorry OP. She’s awful.

Original poster

Greensts · 29/04/2026 12:33

YellowBedLeaf · 29/04/2026 12:26

Pressed the wrong voting button, YANBU. It may be time to reassert your boundaries explicitly. They may think they’re being helpful/trying to help your DD but that’s not their place, especially if you’ve made it clear that you find it uncomfortable and unwanted.

Once trust has been lost with a parent, it can be difficult to regain, especially if they see nothing wrong with what they have done even after discussing it. Repeatedly doing the unwanted behaviour with the knowledge of how it makes you feel is disrespectful.

Only you know if you depend on them for childcare, finances etc. and want/can go low or no contact.

It may be that at time passes, you feel more comfortable with your ex joining private family events e.g. Christmas, but they definitely shouldn’t be pushing if you don’t feel it now. Being civil at school/hobby situations is enough.

@YellowBedLeaf thank you. I would like to be comfortable with him being at more private events but my mum goes very over the top and I know would go out of her way to almost suck up to him. I don’t know why she’s like this but she does it with everyone. I am not sure I could cope with that and so on balance I feel for DD that it’s better he isn’t there as I know I need to be present and calm for her as her parent, I don’t think could be if she was doing that with him.

I don’t rely on them for anything but I can’t deny that the help financially makes life easier (though I would be ok without it).

OP posts:

YellowBedLeaf · 29/04/2026 12:26

Pressed the wrong voting button, YANBU. It may be time to reassert your boundaries explicitly. They may think they’re being helpful/trying to help your DD but that’s not their place, especially if you’ve made it clear that you find it uncomfortable and unwanted.

Once trust has been lost with a parent, it can be difficult to regain, especially if they see nothing wrong with what they have done even after discussing it. Repeatedly doing the unwanted behaviour with the knowledge of how it makes you feel is disrespectful.

Only you know if you depend on them for childcare, finances etc. and want/can go low or no contact.

It may be that at time passes, you feel more comfortable with your ex joining private family events e.g. Christmas, but they definitely shouldn’t be pushing if you don’t feel it now. Being civil at school/hobby situations is enough.

greenleaf1 · 29/04/2026 12:24

Also OP - Relationships might by a better place than AIBU for a post like this. Most people have luckily never experienced a mother like ours and you’ll get some rough responses here.

Original poster

Greensts · 29/04/2026 12:23

greenleaf1 · 29/04/2026 12:21

OP - your mum is a nasty piece of work. Sympathies - mine is exactly the same.

it was a big shock around 10 years ago to realise she was never on my side and actually got a kick out of making me feel shit. I haven’t seen her for seven years now and my life has hugely improved.

Congratulations on your lovely daughter. Keep your distance from your mum and focus on making a lovely life for you and DD

@greenleaf1 thank you. I hate to even say this on an anonymous forum but I do get the feeling she enjoys in some way the drama of me being upset or hurt or triggered in some way.

She is similar with my sister, it’s almost like a bit of entertainment for her.

That said, she can also be caring and kind but it’s not in any way consistent

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Original poster

Greensts · 29/04/2026 12:21

Moveoverdarlin · 29/04/2026 12:20

The one thing I have learnt is that blended and split families fair so much better when people can get along and be civil and dare I say it ‘friends’. If your ex, parents and DD can go and grab lunch together without you there and get along, then in the long run it will be far better and healthier for you and your DD. It’s better to have one camp who can work together to raise your DD. You sound annoyed your parents are still amicable with the ex, would they really be like this if they truly thought that he wronged you??

@Moveoverdarlin what do you mean would they really be like this? Sorry just trying to understand your question

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greenleaf1 · 29/04/2026 12:21

OP - your mum is a nasty piece of work. Sympathies - mine is exactly the same.

it was a big shock around 10 years ago to realise she was never on my side and actually got a kick out of making me feel shit. I haven’t seen her for seven years now and my life has hugely improved.

Congratulations on your lovely daughter. Keep your distance from your mum and focus on making a lovely life for you and DD

Moveoverdarlin · 29/04/2026 12:20

The one thing I have learnt is that blended and split families fair so much better when people can get along and be civil and dare I say it ‘friends’. If your ex, parents and DD can go and grab lunch together without you there and get along, then in the long run it will be far better and healthier for you and your DD. It’s better to have one camp who can work together to raise your DD. You sound annoyed your parents are still amicable with the ex, would they really be like this if they truly thought that he wronged you??

Original poster

Greensts · 29/04/2026 12:13

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 29/04/2026 12:10

I raised my dd from a year old alone. He walked away.
One day my dm saw him on a bus and invited him to her home there and then. Where she gave him pics of dd (then 7 yo). I felt hugely betrayed..
Tbh our relationship never recovered... I rang ex at work and told him to stay away. And that dd would contact him when she was older... If she wanted to.
I haven't seen dm since 2012 when that dd was 23.

@Sunisgettinganewhaton gosh that is awful! Why did she do it? This is what I can’t understand. I would never ever betray my Dd like that

OP posts:

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 29/04/2026 12:10

I raised my dd from a year old alone. He walked away.
One day my dm saw him on a bus and invited him to her home there and then. Where she gave him pics of dd (then 7 yo). I felt hugely betrayed..
Tbh our relationship never recovered... I rang ex at work and told him to stay away. And that dd would contact him when she was older... If she wanted to.
I haven't seen dm since 2012 when that dd was 23.

DeedlessIndeed · 29/04/2026 12:09

Yeah that is not on.

Being cordial is not the same as inviting a difficult ex to Christmas lunch.