Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

380 replies

lonelyinlondon99 · 29/04/2026 09:26

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2026 10:04

BIossomtoes · 29/04/2026 10:03

He’s clearly got an eating disorder and needs help.

And he can access that help when he’s ready. OP can’t make him and she’s got enough on caring for her disabled young son entirely alone.

takealettermsjones · 29/04/2026 10:03

I agree with everything @TheHouseElf said. He obviously has issues and you can sympathise of course, and even point him in the direction of services that might help him, but as your child's only functional parent you absolutely have to put him first. If you leave you'll have more time and energy for your son, less frustration, and fewer restrictions on what you can do as a family. I think you know what you have to do, and I really wish you the best of luck!

Brownbl · 29/04/2026 10:03

Yes, tell him he has to leave your home.
You have enough going on with your child.
He is not your responsibility.

BIossomtoes · 29/04/2026 10:03

He’s clearly got an eating disorder and needs help.

frozendaisy · 29/04/2026 10:02

Ok so how will this work he goes back to mum?
He could see his son with her there as well

You stay in you council tenancy

Sounds like it will be a battle to get him out

And yes he is risking not seeing 40 and his son growing up if he carries on. But that’s a separate issue.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/04/2026 10:01

Yes. This is not a partnership, or reliable dependable relationship. Leave him. He’ll never put you before his needs.

Witchonenowbob · 29/04/2026 09:59

Yes leave him, you don’t need to be his carer as well, he master of his own destiny. Until he can be the best version of himself, he won’t be helpful to you.

LadyKenya · 29/04/2026 09:58

If his name is on the tenancy too, then he could be rehoused.

oldFoolMe · 29/04/2026 09:57

He sounds depressed and needs help - but he has to help himself and maybe leaving him will force him to get help. In any case you don’t have to stay with him for any reason. Is on him to get better and that’s a decision that only he can make.

BillieWiper · 29/04/2026 09:56

Fluffordirt · 29/04/2026 09:31

He sounds like an utterly disgusting pig of a man. What does he get PIP for?

His ill health?! The fact he's so fat he can barely move? What difference does it make what he gets it 'for'?

Original poster
lonelyinlondon99 · 29/04/2026 09:55

Thank you for all your comments. Just to add more information

The flat is council. I got allowed to stay in it after the death of my mum when i was 19 (i was her carer from age 13) & as I was named on the tenancy I was allowed to take over it. I have been here 14yrs & i have decorated it beautifully & keep it tidy and clean.

I work 4 days a week as a nail / eyelash tech and his wonderful nanny (my DP mum) looks after him for me. She is a wonderful woman and trust her completely with him. She also has tried ti talk to him but he won't listen
I get DLA for him and I use some for nappies, clothes & his safe foods rest i have saved ready to do the bedroom up with after OT assessment.

He gets pip for fibro & a knee injury.

I have thought he has ADHD (he has time blindness and other thingdbi won't bore you with) but he flat out refuses to go to the GP as they always mention his weight.
He says he isn't depressed and shows no signs of it other than his way with food.

OP posts:
Luckyingame · 29/04/2026 09:52

YANBU.

WallaceinAnderland · 29/04/2026 09:52

Why are you staying with him?

LadyKenya · 29/04/2026 09:50

I don't think people should lay into a character assignation of your partner as he's clearly spiralling, but that doesn't change the fact that you are not being unreasonable.

This. The name calling is uncalled for, he is clearly unwell mentally. Why would someone mentally healthy behave in such a destructive manner? They don't.

TheHouseElf · 29/04/2026 09:50

I agree with PP, it sounds like your DP has some eating disorder and perhaps has turned to it to 'self-medicate' as it were.

You cannot be carer to your DP and your DS - it will break you, and I say that as a parent to a ASD 17 year old (its hard, its really hard). You have no choice here but to prioritise your child, as well as yourself. You need to work on leaving and setting yourself up somewhere with just you and your son. DP is very unlikely to change if you stay.

HaveYouFedTheFish · 29/04/2026 09:45

There's obviously something more complicated (depression?) going on with your husband - it's also fairly likely he's neurodiverse too as there's a significant genetic component and disordered eating is often an ADHD symptom (many people are not physically hyperactive but their symptoms are neurologically ADHD).

BUT

That does not make you his carer or in any way responsible - he has capacity (even if he didn't, but he clearly does).

You are entirely within your roghts to "put on your own oxygen mask first" and recognise that you can only care for yourself and your son, that's already more than most people given you're working with a child with complex needs.

I don't think people should lay into a character assignation of your partner as he's clearly spiralling, but that doesn't change the fact that you are not being unreasonable.

Leave - you need to for yourself and your son, and by the sound of it your partner doesn't want to be "saved" so you don't need to blame yourself for not trying to do that by staying, his outcome will likely be the same whether you leave or not.

It's a sad and difficult situation but you need to look after yourself and your child. ☕💐

Whatthebegeez · 29/04/2026 09:41

With those eating habits he will only keep getting bigger too.

Him not addressing this is unfair to you and your DC. He’ currently holding you both back from living a normal life. I too wouldn’t be happy with your situation.

Suggest he see’s his GP to discuss his weight issues. They might suggest the jabs which could be life changing for him.

Ihateknowingthis · 29/04/2026 09:40

This is such a sad life for you all... he thinks he's living the dream, but that will eventually come crashing down around him. If you feel you would have a better life without him then you need to leave if you can, and start again.
The way he's going you'll be on your own eventually anyway.
Can you get him to see his Gp??

ChaToilLeam · 29/04/2026 09:39

I would have a bit more sympathy for his health issues if he bothered his arse to do his share in the house and with his son.

You can't help those who don't want to be helped and YWNBU to end it.

gingercat02 · 29/04/2026 09:38

If you are unhappy, then leave. He sounds a nightmare.
However he is likely to be eligible for Mounjaro on the NHS if his BMI is over 30 and his HbA1c is raised
https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng28/resources/visual-summary-full-version-choosing-medicines-for-firstline-and-further-treatment-pdf-10956472093

LadyKenya · 29/04/2026 09:38

Nobody would willingly behave like this, without, imo, underlying mental health issues. He really needs to see a GP, and get some help. Easier said then done, I do understand.

Weatheronshuffle · 29/04/2026 09:37

Leave him. He sounds disgusting. He's doing nothing to support you or be a good parent to his son. You and your boy deserve better.

OneMoreCoffee3 · 29/04/2026 09:37

This sounds so awful. I hope the tenancy is in your name.

You’ve got this, it sounds like things may be easier for you as a single parent. It is surprising how much less work it feels when there’s not another adult creating mess and you know the responsibility for everything lies with you so there’s not the same resentment to live with

Therealjudgejudy · 29/04/2026 09:35

Leave him. What a selfish, self absorbed prick.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2026 09:33

DP meaning you’re not married and it won’t cost you anything to split up with him?

Leave him. As soon as you possibly can and you can use your time and energy and money for yourself and your son. I’m sure he’s miserable and depressed to be behaving like this but you can’t help anyone who won’t help them self and you need to use every speck of resource to support yourself and not someone who costs you so much and provides literally nothing but stress and worry and work.

What’s your housing situation?