AIBU to want my parents to hear my side too?

Send them a letter or email giving your side of the story. I would say, since I'm being punished anyway you might as well know what actually happened. If they read it/believe it or not you will have got it off your chest. And they will have to live with it too.

My heart goes out to you OP because I know how much this hurts. Only you can decide what to do but what I would say is, you don't deserve this, but your children definitely don't. How dare they treat you like this? I personally would go NC or take some long space, but that is very painful in itself

I mean it depends on how unreasonable the OP was during the original fallout with the brother. If it was over something very minor I can see why the parents would take the brother's side and think the whole thing was a non-issue

Have you read the OP? I would not want them near my children

But what was the original fallout about? Is it worth cutting out your parents from your sons' lives?

well then keep the away from your family . Shouldn’t be hard!

I'm sorry, your brother and parents all sound like horrible people. Put them behind you and concentrate on your own little family.

I bet your mother comes crawling back in years to come when she needs elderly care, no chance in hell of golden boy providing it. If and when that happens, stay strong and don't get pulled back in.

@Portacloy “happiness forgets”. I bloody love that.

If you can possibly find the funds, please get counselling. Choose a psychologist rather than a counsellor. This is going to take a bit of unpicking by a professional, especially given your dad’s illness. I’ve had a similar experience, to a professional this is straightforward stuff but you can’t do it without their gentle analysis. It can be very quick, in my case it only took two sessions, but it honestly was the best money I ever spent. And before I go…NONE OF THIS IS ON YOU. Their behaviour is knowing and deeply abusive. Sending you love ❤️

Do not write a letter to these types of people because you will be giving them far too much credit and power which they don’t deserve.

Why would you give them the honour of being judge and jury - the reality is that they don’t want to know what you have to say because they have already decided you are in the wrong as you have always been.

They don’t want to resolve anything.

They enjoy conflict - it’s their normal emotional energy state - they feed off the negative energy. Seems your DM has fallen out with lots of people - so shes the common denominator.

Also if you wrote to them or even spoke to them they would totally weaponise what you wrote / said and would twist words to attack and hurt you - they would flaunt that letter around their family and friends to smear you.

They will never apologise or even acknowledge any wrong with the golden boy or with their own behaviour.

I would decide that you are done now - but not announce it and take it day by day. You need to not get stuck In negative ruminating and anger but instead to have coping strategies that are about you intentionally filling your life with positive plans and experiences for yourself and your DCs.

Happiness Forgets.

We all only have finite headspace, emotional energy and time - choose to conserve yours and direct it to the good people in your life and constructive plans for your own dynasty of the future - concentrate on experiences and the wellbeing of your DCs and DP - that’s your future. Step away from your family of origin - you are too enmeshed and it’s dysfunctional.

I would also NOT be triangulating your extended family in your problems - that will come back to bite you on the arse. It’s not healthy. Have a relationship with each of them which is about the two of you and conversation about your DM is out of bounds.

It’s a very painful process to see that your DM is a frienemy - it goes against all of our natural emotional needs. But seek the kindness and respect needed from others in your life in a reciprocal way - instead of pining with relentless, futile hope in the wrong place.

Fade her out. Be relieved that in doing so you won’t be whistled back for elderly care where they leave everything to golden son.

I can relate.

What do they actually add to your life. Their behaviour is immature, petty and favours your brother.

They are highly unlikely to change so focus your energies forward and on your own children, life really is too short for mind games so gather your self worth and ignore, ignore and ignore.

I'm so sorry, I initially read your post and thought a letter might be a good idea but reading more... no, you are correct. This whole thing has gone too far and even if you were having difficulties that you were working through with them, that is no excuse for shunning children.

They sound incredibly toxic.

@Sofedup15 if you click the quote button under a post rather than add post or reply or however it’s worded, you’ll include the person you are replying to, as it can get a little confusing when it’s clear you are replying to someone, but can’t tell who without the original comment! Hope that helps.

@Sofedup15 it sounds as if you are finally make it out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) that kept you bound to them.
Its a hard thing to do but it's always for the best and whilst you will be looking back at your childhood and previous relationship with your family through a clear lens it will hurt but it will also help reinforce your resolve it will get and the pull they had on you will diminish.
Good luck and stay strong

Oh I'm so sorry OP.
What a horrible family situation.

Based on what you've said, sadly your parents have their favourite and you aren't it. There's nothing more heartbreaking than rejection and abandonment, your 7 year old will take this hard if he had a close relationship with your parents. And that's what keeps people bound to their abusers, they do it for the kids.

But you can't stay bound to them because they're harming your mental health and your peace.

Consider writing them a letter, an honest letter of how they make you feel, because your feelings are valid.

Then give yourself time away from them for some breathing space, maybe see a therapist to try to work through your heartbreak regarding your family breakdown.

It's better to be apart than to be part of something that is unhealthy, and unloving and to be subjected to so much unfairness.

Maybe there's an aunt you can lean on, or a cousin?

I come from a very dysfunctional family, and have no family contact, I'm currently working with a therapist regarding childhood trauma, because parents can completely f*ck their children up and then you end up carrying generational trauma.

You can change your relationships, you can change family patterns, you can protect yourself from any further hurt. When you step back you will see the peace that you deserve come into your life, you will feel lighter and know you are in control.

I wish you well OP xxx

Nothing to add to what others have said, but I know how you feel, OP and honestly you're better away from these people.

It doesn't matter what you say or do, nothing will ever change.