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Original poster

To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

438 replies

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 16:43

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

OP posts:
Busybeemumm · 29/04/2026 07:13

Your DH sounds immature and the lack of respect from him is astounding. A line has well and truly been crossed and I don't think I could continue being married to this prick.

You deserve someone soooo much better than this pathetic idiot. How can he talk like this about the mother of his child! It's one thing confiding in confidence to a friend but this is not that in any way. His colleague must be laughing at him for his lack of judgement here.

Charlenedickens · 29/04/2026 07:07

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

Gosh that’s a shockingly bad way to try to justify it, I think every woman would have more respect if he could think of a better lie, but he’s scared of her so decided to slag off your sex life and engage in wanting sex with her.

how cringe for him. I’m scared of her. I think there is no coming back from that.

99bottlesofkombucha · 29/04/2026 07:06

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SparklyGlitterballs · 29/04/2026 07:02

Your husband sounds quite pathetic.

The things that would bother me the most are him discussing your private life - if he thinks your sex life is too vanilla then he should be talking to you about it - and him not shutting the conversations down. It's not difficult FFS. I couldn't move past this, but if you were willing to give him a chance then a condition should be him not working with this woman any longer.

10namechangeslater · 29/04/2026 07:00

I could never sleep with him again so yes it would be over for me.

10namechangeslater · 29/04/2026 06:58

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

🤣

Sartre · 29/04/2026 06:56

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

Oh great so he shut you down by saying she’s beautiful albeit intimidating and that’s why he felt the need to reply to her sexual innuendo?! What a guy. He openly complained about your sex life to a female colleague in order to engage in sexting with her… If nothing else, you’re going to struggle to feel confident in bed with him now and like you have to perform like a monkey for him.

I personally don’t see any coming back from this but perhaps counselling could work. Good luck.

BusyMum47 · 29/04/2026 06:50

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

He’s trying to make it all HER fault?? What a guy.

Lugol · 29/04/2026 06:49

tamade · 29/04/2026 01:43

Of course you can come back from this. If you want to.

And then what?

Wait for him to do it again?

BusyMum47 · 29/04/2026 06:48

BreezyMintHiker · 28/04/2026 16:45

Yeah there’s no coming back from that.

Jesus Christ. That would be an immediate ‘get the f@ck out’ for me! Ugh.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/04/2026 06:47

user1492757084 · 29/04/2026 04:57

There is a chance that the woman is a trans gender woman.

Your DH should ask for a permanant change of office space so that he doesn't have to be intimidated by her anymore.
He needs to feel comfortable to go to work and never meet her again.

Also have counselling together about trust and being able to discuss intimate issues.

The result of the counselling and whether or not DH was able to segregate from the colleague and whether or not you trusted him to no longer speak about your sex life to strangers etc. would determine, long term, if I would remain in the marriage.

There is a chance that the woman is a trans gender woman.

Sorry, what?

Empress13 · 29/04/2026 06:46

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

how would you feel if it were the other way round a man intimidating a woman like that? The responses on this thread would be totally different!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/04/2026 06:44

montysmaw · 29/04/2026 05:52

She is leading it? He has literally discussed the details of his sexlife with his wife .

Show quote history

@appleberryhandcream

And nowhere did he write:
I find your remarks very inappropriate. Please stop.

Splitfoot · 29/04/2026 06:43

Endofyear · 28/04/2026 18:37

Can you ever imagine yourself having sex with him again? Because there's no way on earth that I would. He may not have cheated yet but he's certainly headed that way and would have done had you not seen the messages. You know you deserve better than this.

This. I would never want to have sex with him ever again so I would have no-where to go but out of the door.

Empress13 · 29/04/2026 06:39

OP if you do stay with him how on earth will you trust him working with her? That’s where the problem will lie, have you thought about that?

Scoreagoal · 29/04/2026 06:38

Off you go to her then - I’ll help you pack a bag - and don’t come back.

absolutely don’t stand for this - outrageous behaviour and his excuses make him even more pathetic.

You are better off without him .

could never trust someone who did this to me .

so sorry this has happened to you.

bubblepink2749 · 29/04/2026 06:33

Piece of shit.

Empress13 · 29/04/2026 06:30

He’s humiliated you in the most awful disgusting way. There’s no coming back from that IMO

Hedgehoggin · 29/04/2026 06:26

I’d take my DH to the cleaners for the use of ‘wasn’t’ instead of ‘weren’t’, let alone all of the other stuff. I’m sorry OP. Your husband is trash.

montysmaw · 29/04/2026 05:52

appleberryhandcream · 28/04/2026 16:51

I’m not sure.
She took the talk to anal.
He didn’t reply about doing anal with her. He replied that you wouldn’t like it.

Yes, it’s not ideal, but he wasn’t salivating all over her and asking her to do anal.

She was very much the one leading it.

Depends on the other messages, I would say.

She is leading it? He has literally discussed the details of his sexlife with his wife .

Iocanepowder · 29/04/2026 05:30

Sorry op. I’ve read your updates and he sounds pathetic. I would get rid.

Radarqueen · 29/04/2026 05:24

OP, he's bored with your sex life and instead of talking about it to you, he goes and complains to this randomer, and not even in neutral language but quite hurtful language? These communication problems will only get worse. He doesn't even sound like he's trying to make amends in your updates. I don't think you can trust a man like this.

Radarqueen · 29/04/2026 05:21

Forty85 · 28/04/2026 16:56

She started and led the convo and he was wrong to go along with it and make the comments he made but he didn't sound as if he was into her suggestions.

I don't think id end my marriage over this to be honest but id be reading him the riot act and it would be a final warning. Ask him to look for a new job and I'd also be addressing our sex life.

Edited

Are you on glue? He's putting his wife down to a colleague in the context of a sexual conversation. Massive betrayal.

user1492757084 · 29/04/2026 04:57

There is a chance that the woman is a trans gender woman.

Your DH should ask for a permanant change of office space so that he doesn't have to be intimidated by her anymore.
He needs to feel comfortable to go to work and never meet her again.

Also have counselling together about trust and being able to discuss intimate issues.

The result of the counselling and whether or not DH was able to segregate from the colleague and whether or not you trusted him to no longer speak about your sex life to strangers etc. would determine, long term, if I would remain in the marriage.

Splitfoot · 29/04/2026 03:46

ThisChirpyFox · 29/04/2026 03:23

He's blaming her but she's not married to you. He let you down when he didn't shut things down asap.

And if he was intimidated by her why did he continue the conversation instead of trying to back out of it? Your husband is a cheating liar. Don't be one of the posters (there's been a few especially the my fiance did this on his stag...) who believes his pitiful excuses and then just goes back to normal.

He is sorry. Sorry he's been caught out. For me it'd not just be the sexual conversation that would annoy me but the fact he thought it was okay to talk about your personal details. He's a scumbag. Tell him so and get rid.

This. He is colluding with her against you. No way is he doing that because he's afraid of her.

Ick.