Page 4 | To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

Queens26 · 2026-04-28T15:43:37+00:00

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments. I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages. I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while. I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in: Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me: H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time C: I am always up for trying different things H: I am all ears haha C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice C: What do you class as hardcore? H: No idea, S&M I guess haha C: That’s tame C: Most men want anal H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha H: Sounds scary haha C: I’d be gentle and start small H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha C: That’s what you get with someone experienced I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more. I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

Apprentice26 · 29/04/2026 09:14

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 29/04/2026 08:29

IMO? The 'rough patch' you are having is because he's already separating himself from his married state by his heavy flirting with this woman. The flirty sexual messages aren't the result of your marriage struggling, they are the cause of it.

Of course it is. I read the detailed messages between X and the other woman and the way he spoke about me it was as if X and I were strangers. He’d completely disassociated.
She was the object of his attention, the good girl
And the comments about me were frankly worse than you talk about someone that had caused you actual harm as opposed to ironing your shirts and looking after your children.
It’s very difficult to come back from once the line has been crossed. It really is never the same.

QuintadosMalvados · 29/04/2026 09:09

I'll go even further if a man I was in a relationship told me about his sex life with an ex it would be a major red flag.

Indeed I tentatively tried to get back with an ex once who told me about his sex life with the woman he dated. years after me. The mother of his child ffs.

In fact he was spilling his guts about the most personal stuff.
Not only was this repulsive to me, but he was too stupid to work out that I might think that he may have been shooting his mouth off about me to her.

No John I don't think that we can resurrect this relationship. Bye..

Men who do this are scum imo.

In some cases, it's worse than actual cheating.

WorstPaceScenario · 29/04/2026 09:00

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

None of this excuses the "If only I could get more than missionary" comments. He hasn't even acknowledged that he implied really negative things about you in that text exchange.

QuintadosMalvados · 29/04/2026 08:57

No coming back from this.
I'd class this as much more disrespectful than an actual one night stand on a work trip away with a stranger that I'd have to snoop around heavily to discover.

Repulsive.

Crikey. I couldn't have him anywhere near me.

More of a betrayal than a ONS. That's how I see it.
Oh and pick me × million.

tamade · 29/04/2026 08:49

Lugol · 29/04/2026 06:49

And then what?

Wait for him to do it again?

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If the relationship doesn't change course something like this will happen again. But IMO it is fixable, it will require work, ground rules, give and take. Hence my remark OP has got to want it.

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 29/04/2026 08:43

appleberryhandcream · 29/04/2026 07:55

I didn’t say he did?

i didn’t say it was good.

I agree he has crossed a line and it is not acceptable.

But the OP has admitted they are having a rough patch. He is speaking to a colleague about it. No, it’s not really appropriate because she’s female and incredibly predatory from the sounds of it. But she’s laying it on a plate for him and he’s not saying “great, let’s do anal then”, is he? No, he’s not. She’s talking about all the dirty things she would do, and he brings the conversation back to his wife.

I’m not saying he’s a paragon of virtue. But he doesn’t sound into this woman. It sounds to me like he’s needed someone to talk to about their relationship, he’s chosen the wrong person, she’s pursuing him and for whatever reason (ego boost, people pleaser etc) he’s not shutting it down. But he’s also not particularly encouraging it.

That conversation could have taken many, much worse turns along the way. And if he wanted to, he would already be shagging her.

Thats why I said it depends on the other messages, because from this exchange, it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to.

Which is why I also said this would merit a major dressing down and assurances it would not happen again.

But I think it’s way over the top to end a marriage over this, particularly where children are involved. And I suspect that many of you saying “that would be the end for me, I could never come back from that” would find yourselves thinking very differently if you were actually in that situation.

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I don't understand how you don't see that the derogatory remarks about his DW and him betraying the most intimate details of their sex life is something which has totally destroyed trust and any possibility they may have had of getting through their rough patch.

How can OP ever have sex with him again without recalling what he has said about her?

And she has only seen his messages. She can only imagine what the real life conversations with this woman colleague were like if they were both comfortable actually messaging each other like this.

LaDeeDaDeeDumb · 29/04/2026 08:34

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:31

How does that even work, though? Wouldn't you be terrified that your spouse would find your other phone?

Cheating sounds like a one-way ticket to heart disease to me, because of all the stress. But then, I'm not built for cheating the way some people are.

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I don’t disagree. I would find it too stressful to be worth it (and I wouldn’t want to anyway).

The person I’m talking about is pathological about cheating. He has been diagnosed with NPD so doesn’t represent the male populace in general. But before he got “smart” and bought the second phone, that’s how he was with his phone. It was glued to him. Nobody else touched it. Everything was password protected and “private”. He makes me shudder.

99bottlesofkombucha · 29/04/2026 08:29

appleberryhandcream · 29/04/2026 07:55

I didn’t say he did?

i didn’t say it was good.

I agree he has crossed a line and it is not acceptable.

But the OP has admitted they are having a rough patch. He is speaking to a colleague about it. No, it’s not really appropriate because she’s female and incredibly predatory from the sounds of it. But she’s laying it on a plate for him and he’s not saying “great, let’s do anal then”, is he? No, he’s not. She’s talking about all the dirty things she would do, and he brings the conversation back to his wife.

I’m not saying he’s a paragon of virtue. But he doesn’t sound into this woman. It sounds to me like he’s needed someone to talk to about their relationship, he’s chosen the wrong person, she’s pursuing him and for whatever reason (ego boost, people pleaser etc) he’s not shutting it down. But he’s also not particularly encouraging it.

That conversation could have taken many, much worse turns along the way. And if he wanted to, he would already be shagging her.

Thats why I said it depends on the other messages, because from this exchange, it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to.

Which is why I also said this would merit a major dressing down and assurances it would not happen again.

But I think it’s way over the top to end a marriage over this, particularly where children are involved. And I suspect that many of you saying “that would be the end for me, I could never come back from that” would find yourselves thinking very differently if you were actually in that situation.

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i think you are equating ‘we are having a bit of a rough patch but that’s enough about that’ with ‘my wife would never do anal, or <other topic discussed> or <other topic discussed> sex with her is really boring.’
these two statements are… not the same in any way.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 29/04/2026 08:29

IMO? The 'rough patch' you are having is because he's already separating himself from his married state by his heavy flirting with this woman. The flirty sexual messages aren't the result of your marriage struggling, they are the cause of it.

dollyblue01 · 29/04/2026 08:28

Wow that’s bad I’m afraid he would be gone after reading those, that line has well and truly been crossed and gone too far.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 29/04/2026 08:19

BreezyMintHiker · 28/04/2026 16:45

Yeah there’s no coming back from that.

Agree

OchreRaven · 29/04/2026 08:12

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

I would be telling him I’m not surprised none of her relationships worked out. She clearly doesn’t respect boundaries and over sexualises conversations. She is putting out there that she is primarily interested in a sexual relationship — those don’t last. He shouldn’t feel sorry for her. This is her doing and he’s encouraging her to continue that pattern.

He should be more concerned about what his
behaviour says about him and his ability to maintain a long term loving relationship. With his attitude, in 10 years time, junior members of his team will be feeling sorry for him that his wife left him and he’s still constantly chasing new thrilling sexual conversations with colleagues rather than investing and communicating in a real relationship.

SoInLuv · 29/04/2026 08:12

Candy24 · 28/04/2026 22:54

Oh I have no issue with my husband reading my messages. Worst he will read is me bitching to a friend about some stupid shit he or the kids did.lol Honestly I don't share things with others Im not ok with him not knowing. He is the same. He is the same.

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@Candy24 I agree with you, Candy! Me and my DH are the same with phones. No problem to read each other's messages if we want to, nothing to hide, we fully respect each other etc etc

Charlenedickens · 29/04/2026 08:10

appleberryhandcream · 29/04/2026 07:55

I didn’t say he did?

i didn’t say it was good.

I agree he has crossed a line and it is not acceptable.

But the OP has admitted they are having a rough patch. He is speaking to a colleague about it. No, it’s not really appropriate because she’s female and incredibly predatory from the sounds of it. But she’s laying it on a plate for him and he’s not saying “great, let’s do anal then”, is he? No, he’s not. She’s talking about all the dirty things she would do, and he brings the conversation back to his wife.

I’m not saying he’s a paragon of virtue. But he doesn’t sound into this woman. It sounds to me like he’s needed someone to talk to about their relationship, he’s chosen the wrong person, she’s pursuing him and for whatever reason (ego boost, people pleaser etc) he’s not shutting it down. But he’s also not particularly encouraging it.

That conversation could have taken many, much worse turns along the way. And if he wanted to, he would already be shagging her.

Thats why I said it depends on the other messages, because from this exchange, it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to.

Which is why I also said this would merit a major dressing down and assurances it would not happen again.

But I think it’s way over the top to end a marriage over this, particularly where children are involved. And I suspect that many of you saying “that would be the end for me, I could never come back from that” would find yourselves thinking very differently if you were actually in that situation.

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This is quite dismaying that you interprets like this, I do wonder about your critical thinking skills and reading of very clear situations, you can clearly see you’re in a minority, he’s clearly enouraging her, telling her he’s all ears. And this isn’t their only messaging exchange, they are engaging in sex talk and the assumption that she’s some sort of sex pest and he’s some scared little man just wanting to talk about his wife is clearly very adrift from the reality of this situation

eastegg · 29/04/2026 08:07

appleberryhandcream · 29/04/2026 07:55

I didn’t say he did?

i didn’t say it was good.

I agree he has crossed a line and it is not acceptable.

But the OP has admitted they are having a rough patch. He is speaking to a colleague about it. No, it’s not really appropriate because she’s female and incredibly predatory from the sounds of it. But she’s laying it on a plate for him and he’s not saying “great, let’s do anal then”, is he? No, he’s not. She’s talking about all the dirty things she would do, and he brings the conversation back to his wife.

I’m not saying he’s a paragon of virtue. But he doesn’t sound into this woman. It sounds to me like he’s needed someone to talk to about their relationship, he’s chosen the wrong person, she’s pursuing him and for whatever reason (ego boost, people pleaser etc) he’s not shutting it down. But he’s also not particularly encouraging it.

That conversation could have taken many, much worse turns along the way. And if he wanted to, he would already be shagging her.

Thats why I said it depends on the other messages, because from this exchange, it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to.

Which is why I also said this would merit a major dressing down and assurances it would not happen again.

But I think it’s way over the top to end a marriage over this, particularly where children are involved. And I suspect that many of you saying “that would be the end for me, I could never come back from that” would find yourselves thinking very differently if you were actually in that situation.

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He is encouraging it. ‘I’m all ears’. Talking about what sort of sex he would want and what he wouldn’t. And when anal is mentioned it’s telling that he doesn’t actually shut it down but says something clearly calculated to get her view on it.

It’s also very important to remember imo that these are messages, not an in person conversation. Loads easier to take your time and say what you want to say, or just ignore. None of the pressure and awkwardness of in person. Unforgivable imo.

Irridescence · 29/04/2026 08:01

He finds her intimidating yet they are the same seniority wise. Do me a favour.

He is utterly pathetic. He has been enjoying face to face sex talk and been flirting, leading up to the childish texting. Not only did he cross several lines there, he then went on to say he found your sex life boring, and indicated to her what you wouldn’t permit in the bedroom. How are you meant to have a sex life after that.

This is all nonsense. You could easily shut down that type of conversation straight away. He is encouraging it.

The woman sounds desperate for attention. Your husband doesn’t actually sound as into her, but looks like he would go along with it for a non boring shag.

Both are repulsive but you are only married to one of them. This would be the end for me. He should not have been in this situation in the first place, and then he has made it worse by complaining about you, and then tried to justify it as being intimidated by her like a little victim. None of this says this would be someone I wished to be tethered to. He has broken trust and is a complete man child idiot too.

appleberryhandcream · 29/04/2026 07:55

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/04/2026 06:44

@appleberryhandcream

And nowhere did he write:
I find your remarks very inappropriate. Please stop.

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I didn’t say he did?

i didn’t say it was good.

I agree he has crossed a line and it is not acceptable.

But the OP has admitted they are having a rough patch. He is speaking to a colleague about it. No, it’s not really appropriate because she’s female and incredibly predatory from the sounds of it. But she’s laying it on a plate for him and he’s not saying “great, let’s do anal then”, is he? No, he’s not. She’s talking about all the dirty things she would do, and he brings the conversation back to his wife.

I’m not saying he’s a paragon of virtue. But he doesn’t sound into this woman. It sounds to me like he’s needed someone to talk to about their relationship, he’s chosen the wrong person, she’s pursuing him and for whatever reason (ego boost, people pleaser etc) he’s not shutting it down. But he’s also not particularly encouraging it.

That conversation could have taken many, much worse turns along the way. And if he wanted to, he would already be shagging her.

Thats why I said it depends on the other messages, because from this exchange, it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to.

Which is why I also said this would merit a major dressing down and assurances it would not happen again.

But I think it’s way over the top to end a marriage over this, particularly where children are involved. And I suspect that many of you saying “that would be the end for me, I could never come back from that” would find yourselves thinking very differently if you were actually in that situation.

Rooroobear · 29/04/2026 07:44

Op please don’t fall for his bullshit about feeling sorry for her and she’s quite open about sex. What a load of shit. He should have shut her down straight away. NO MATTER WHAT. This is the start of it. As soon as I saw your update the first thing that popped into my mind was the script! This will be the very beginning, trust us.

MaybeToxic · 29/04/2026 07:33

SnappyQuoter · 28/04/2026 22:39

That would be an abusive relationship. It’s one of the metrics used for abuse. You are describing an abusive controlling relationship.

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Oh gosh, please don't lose sight of some marriages actually being wholesome, trustworthy, loving, respectful, collaborative etc... my husband and I are two sides of the same coin. That's not abuse, that's respectful, kind love!!

OldGothNowadays · 29/04/2026 07:27

appleberryhandcream · 28/04/2026 16:51

I’m not sure.
She took the talk to anal.
He didn’t reply about doing anal with her. He replied that you wouldn’t like it.

Yes, it’s not ideal, but he wasn’t salivating all over her and asking her to do anal.

She was very much the one leading it.

Depends on the other messages, I would say.

When people talk about the bar being low, this is what they mean 🙄

I wouldn't even want to come back from that, OP. Do you? Really?

Apprentice26 · 29/04/2026 07:26

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:28

OP, I do think you should be wary of falling victim to so many people urging you to end your marriage at once. Maybe ending it is what you'll decide, but equally, some couples grow stronger after infidelity. Just give yourself time to make the right decision for YOU. Very few people would immediately end a marriage and a family imo, despite what so many are saying they would do. Maybe it WILL end up that way, but usually it's a slower, more considered process. Lot of hot-heads on here.

There’s a lot of women who have experience
Of making the mistake for forgiving men once only for them to shit on them again
Who wished they’d never bothered the first time?
I remember talking to a divorce lawyer who said women never forget what they’ve forgiven and she’s right

SoSadSoSadSoSad · 29/04/2026 07:22

This is all such bollocks. He didn’t shut her down because he was enjoying himself. What a knobhead. I’d be embarrassed to be married to him.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/04/2026 07:20

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

JFC your DH is deluded if he thinks you will believe this litany of excuses and lies. I didn't realise that banter about anal sex with a work colleague is a well-known therapeutic device to help deal with the pain of infertility.

If what he says is true and he finds her so intimidating that he feels unable to shut these sexual conversations down, he is the victim of sexual harassment and he should report her. However, I think he has just pulled these ridiculous excuses out of his arse to gaslight you and make himself the victim rather than you.

shhblackbag · 29/04/2026 07:19

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

Tell him he should stop digging that hole. How pathetic he sounds. Actually ridiculous..

Favory · 29/04/2026 07:15

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/04/2026 19:32

No but the person who checks the phone loses the moral high ground. You don’t need evidence to leave someone.

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When it comes to moral high ground, he's a lot further down that hill than the OP.

Evidence is widely accepted as a basis for decision making.

OP, I'd struggle to trust him and I don't think I'd want that life for myself. A lifetime of checking or wanting to check and resisting sounds exhausting.