To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

I said it to the last one and I’ll say it to you ODFOD

@Queens26

Personally - it seems to me that she is just bored, lonely, etc. Also - older and very relaxed about sex. It's not emotional for her, just hedonistic. And - she is in a very different phase of life than you.

It seems your relationship is going through a very usual struggle of a young(ish) couple with a small child. You are tired, life is a struggle in many ways, so the relationship between you and your H suffers. Very often women shut down physically - I have been there myself, so can relate. Men, on the other hand, do not. And this is where problems often start.

Your H does not sound like he is pursuing her. She is sexually confident, and you'd probably call it aggressive. So - she pushes boundaries. Yes - he has not pushed back, but also did not encourage it. It's sexual bunter - sure. But - it's not at all emotional.

You can divorce, if you think that would make you happier in life.

Or, you can take it as a wake up call for your relationship - and see if you two can't work on it properly. Talk openly, maybe go to family therapy and see if you can change things to make each other happier.

People on MN don't like talking about sexual boredom in a relationship. It shouldn't exist, unless it's a woman who feels bored. But sex is a part of the glue that holds a relationship together. So - if you do stay together and work on it - you'll both need to address the physical intimacy side of things...

Op, well done so many want to blame the woman. It is very clear from that message exchange it is not the first, but a continuation of a theme. No one randomly texts a colleague out of the blue offering anal. Seriously it simply doesn’t happen.

Agree so when a man says he cheated cause of a 'rough patch' you've really got to be critical of this.

Happy men cheat and unhappy men can be faithful!

She is the one driving the direction of that conversation. I suggest you don’t let her drive the direction of your marriage. He need to cut her off and the two of you need to focus on your marriage. Make some couples time (dates and at home). If you struggle to improve your relationship by yourselves then get marriage counselling.

If you think he genuinely regrets it and have no reason to think work dos or overnight trips have involved anything going on with her then tell him he has to block her and tell her to stop. If he is willing to accept his stupidity and hasn't got form for cheating then that has to be the starting point if anything is to be redeemed.

If he won't to that it'd be a no from me.

What has he said to reassure you this won't develop more he doesn't sound remorseful at all. I can't imagine saying those things to a work colleague intimidating or not. And to put you down and make out like your sex life is boring that's so heartbreaking she didn't intimidate him into saying that if she was asking him randomly about your sex life he could have said yes it's great end of he gave her information

Has he said he'll block her and stop messaging? Is he open with his phone, no secrecy or dodgy behaviour?

He may have just been stupid. I'm not minimising the hurt but I bet many men would be delighted to have a woman messaging them like this. All depends if he genuinely does regret it or if it's just gone underground with hidden chats. Keep digging.

I am sorry but I agree with the others, I think your relationship is broken beyond repair. Unless you both want to work very hard on fixing it.

It's true to me it's less led by him and he's almost a bit embarrassed sounding. But that's no excuse.

The fact he said 'im all ears' kind of leant into the anal chat.

He should not have been talking at length about his sex life with her. That's the main betrayal.

So sorry op x

For me I think it would be the pretending to be scared of her. And to profess to hate himself, like he wasn’t in control it’s one thing to decide to cheat and engage in this manner, but to come over all sacred and incapable is for me as ick making as it gets,

it does read like he wants to be dominated, which does tie into the I’m scared of her, it’s clearly what he gets off on, but he’s obvs has previous convos on this as her first line is about not having to complain about her, which means he’s been doing that.

but the I’m scared of her she’s a big woman is utterly cringe.

Right, so it’s not his fault. His fingers inadvertently typed out sexy texts to the overconfident Amazonian because he was scared. Add that to the ‘fear response’ collection, we’ve got flight, fight, fawn and philander now.

David Buss, found out that men's cheating has little to do with how happy they are in a relationship so rough patch is bollox anyway.

I can believe this. Haven't got any hard empirical proof so I'm not stating it as fact, but based just on what I've seen over my life, I would say that men will often cheat when they're actually perfectly happy in their relationship, but when women cheat it's usually when they're unhappy. Neither is an excuse of course, it's an absolutely shit thing to do, and of course not all men, not all women etc. But I can believe it as general tendencies.

H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha

On top of everything else he is, he's illiterate.

I don't see how anybody could think there's any coming back from this.

I'm being serious when I say that I'd view this a being worse than a ONS with a stranger whilst away on a trip that I'd have to do some serious digging to find out.

The embarrassment, the knowledge that he's telling another person about our sex life, the fact that he's a wimp who doesn't own it.
Fuck that. He's an odious little manchild.

'Rough patch' my arse. Own it you prick.

Oh and another thing, a famous psychologist, David Buss, found out that men's cheating has little to do with how happy they are in a relationship so rough patch is bollox anyway.
Gaslighting on top of everything else.
I despise men like this. Truly I do.

It really does come to something where your main offering to a Male is quite literally the hole in your arse that you’ve shit through
That’s what you’re looking to tempt him away from his wife with
She’s doomed

On the one hand, yeah, she's obviously being pretty sexually assertive and largely leading the conversation.

On the other, he's a grown arse married man who's clearly going along with it, and he's responsible for himself and his commitments. And he shouldn't be talking this way about his intimate married life just because he both pities and is intimidated by her (apparently). If she was physically repulsive to him, I'm pretty sure he'd find a way to shut it down. His marriage is on him; she's irrelevant really. Either you can trust him or you can't.

What a f"ing manchild. Loathsome prick.
I couldn't respect this at all.
Get him for every penny you can and kick the f*er out.

Doesn't even own his mistake. He'll be no good in a crisis anyway. Let him go and be with this replacement mummy/ball breaker and hide behind her coat tails.

There is absolutely no coming back from this.

He sounds vile and has zero respect for you.

Yes the 'banter' or any sexy flirting is totally lacking. It's just a very desperate woman trying to impress a man with her anal attention seeking 🤢.

Op, you've said things haven't been good at home for a while, this is just a symptom of that. Unless you've more evidence that anything else has gone on for now I'd watch and wait. Keep an eye on his phone, any secrecy or deleted messages would be obviously the last straw. Tell him to block and ignore her.

She sounds horrific. You need to sit down with him and work out if you do want to stay together and take it from there.

C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

Apologies if this has already been brought up or if I'm reading this wrong but reading this it sounds like HE wants to be dominated? (Or that she wants to peg him as she says he 'has to be willing to receive' and she'd 'be gentle and start small')
The way he's described her as 'statuesque' and 'intimidating' also reads like she's naturally dominant at work (and in the bedroom).
And going by these messages it sounds like they've definitely talked about this/she's brought it up and he's willing.

Certainly a tricky one to come back from 😬