To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

What !

ODFOD

Oh dear @Miranda65 Oh dear. You do know that your attempt at edgy contrariness has just made you look rather foolish don't you? I hope you didn't spend too long thinking that up?

Look, there is a minute chance you can recover your marriage from this as he’s not acted on it yet. However he needs to be in a place where he’s terrified of ever losing you again. The only way to do that is to ask him to leave and give you space.

If he’s truly sorry he can stress it out for a few months, and during this time you can clear your head about what YOU want.

This reads to me like her coming on really strong, and him being a bit embarrassed about it…

Honestly yes its bad and embarrassing, hes in the wrong defo but I wouldn't class it as cheating. I wouldnt even class it as sexting'
It seemed like he had nobody to talk to about your relationship problems. Her txts were brash and over sexual whereas his were not, saying about how you do the same boring things every time and her replies were just crude and predatory. He didn't seem interested /

Obviously he's in the wrong tho so if it were me I'd make it clear he should not be discussing your private relationship / sex positions with another woman.
Once you tell him you've read all her txts I think he will be feeling embarrassed... Make sure he knows he overstepped the mark. But you CAN come back from this. 👍

I think I would be most put off by his reaction, getting upset and then downplaying it. There's room for growth when people take ownership. It doesn't look like he has done that.

They're both disrespectful and way past the line. They're both fucking stupid messaging a colleague. He's not working very hard at his relationship. You deserve better than this, it would eat away in the back of my mind. Can you really imagine ever wanting to be intimate with him again? I think that would finish that off for me.

I'm sorry you're going through this, my ex cheated when I was pregnant. I didn't think I could ever be happy without him or be single well it turns out I could do both. You deserve love, respect and honesty.

There is no fault' on her side. Good job she did look on his phone or she wouldnt have found out. EVER.

Absolute bollocks.

Was he going to tell OP off his own back he's been discussing their sex life with his colleague and sexting about they could do together? No.

If OP had asked him if anything was going on would he have answered truthfully? No.

The only way she was going to find out what was going on was checking his phone which she hasn't done before.

To say there is fault on both sides is such apologist, reductive bullshit and wrong.

He could have just left her on read or asked something about work to change the subject. There's obviously been verbal discussions too with her "we'd have so much fun" comment

What? She finds him being a wanker and she’s partially to blame? Yeah, no.

Besides how crass the messages are, the dire spelling and grammar is cause for concern. Nothing sexy about getting homophones wrong.

Id say its not cheating but it is flirting. It reads like she is very much leading the conversation and trying to get him interested. I can see how him talking about your sex life with a colleague hurts but I dont think he has fully overstepped the line and you could very much come back from this if you want to. He has made a big mistake and if he realises that then this could absolutely help towards working on your relationship and maybe making it better. His 'complaints' are only the same as many people would have who are in a long term relationship,nothing out of the ordinary, its super easy to get stuck in a rut and it needs both parties to make the effort. Your sex life getting boring is usually both parties fault, not just one. If he is truly sorry and you are willing to keep going with the relationship then he has to work really hard at regaining your trust, he may have to move jobs and will have to understand that for the foreseeable you will be feeling very insecure and he needs to do everything he can to earn back your trust. Good luck whatever you decide.

I’m sorry that’s absolutely vile, completely and utterly cringey and there’s no coming back from that.

I’ve got secondhand embarrassment on his behalf, how pathetic

If you check your partner's phone because you suspect they are cheating and find evidence that they are cheating then you were in the right and all talk of breaching trust is moot

That text exchange never should have happened, but after her first message, he should have closed it down with" I'm sorry, I have made a mistake and led you on, this stops here" followed with talking with you about what he did...or something to that effect, certainly not "I'm all ears".

As for looking, of course that's not great, but when you find cause to and then evidence, it's justified in my opinion.

I couldn’t come back from that. So sorry.

Yuck. No way would I be coming back from that. I guess it depends on what you are willing to put up with op.

It sounds like she was leading it and he was more detached and polite with the nervous “haha”s. She seems predatory. Is she in a position of power?

@Miranda65 "You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh."

What if she suspected he was involved in drug dealing, terrorism or other criminal activity. Would she still be at fault? I don't think the Police would agree with you.

No. It’s not good. And I would be wanting a serious conversation with him and assurances it would never happen again.

But I don’t think I could end a marriage over it.

As I said, it would depend on the other messages.

Yes op, you need to discuss your sex life with him and ask why he needs to confide in a colleague that hes bored shagging his wife in the missionary position and how you dont like anal 🙄

That’s really gross & disrespectful . Terrible of DH to talk about you like that to a colleague even though she was doing all of the running .

Agree she’s making it fairly clear she’d be available - but he’s not closing the conversation down or changing the subject. They’ve clearly discussed his sexual relationship with the Op and he’s complained.

Maybe he’s just titillated but that would be enough to make me reconsider our relationship.