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Original poster

To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

438 replies

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 16:43

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

OP posts:
usedtobeaylis · 28/04/2026 18:47

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

Both sides being a) him and b) the woman from his work. He's an untrustworthy wanker and the OP has had her world blown up by this. Just stop.

SwatTheTwit · 28/04/2026 18:46

Mess with him and buy a strap on since he wants to switch things up so badly

Megifer · 28/04/2026 18:46

Sensiblesal · 28/04/2026 18:38

To be fair he is talking about his sex life with you, she is laying it on thick and he is batting her away thinking about his sex life with you.

The only attempt at trying to push it towards sexting is coming from the colleague.

are his texts very misjudged and completely idiotic? Yes!

I think you already know how he has got to this point, you either work on the relationship or split up

He hasn’t cheated but you clearly don’t trust him, thats more of a reason for ending things than these texts.

Where is he batting her away? Have I missed an update?

Picklelily99 · 28/04/2026 18:45

Whatever he's done, not done, thinking about doing, he has undermined your CONFIDENCE, as a woman, as a lover - that, to me is unforgivable!

OchreRaven · 28/04/2026 18:45

This isn’t something I could sweep under the rug and I would be very hurt by those messages. He’s basically calling you boring in bed to another woman! Having said that, he does seem to somewhat reject her advances subtly by referring back to your relationship when she suggests what she likes in bed. She’s definitely on the hunt and leading the exchange but I would be appalled if my DH let it get anywhere near that discussion without shutting it down.

Nothing less than a total block and looking for another job, plus couples therapy would allow me to contemplate forgiving.

Northermcharn · 28/04/2026 18:44

I guess that's what women do when they're desperate / want to tempt a man away from his DP/DW. It works a lot I think. Men are simple. You probably wouldn't be able to forget this OP.

SwatTheTwit · 28/04/2026 18:44

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

She checked his phone because he gave her good reason to wtf

Picklelily99 · 28/04/2026 18:43

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

not now, eh?

Gerwurtztraminer · 28/04/2026 18:40

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 17:01

Thanks all I can’t multi quote so to answer a few points:

They don’t work in the same department, they just sit close to each other so met and became friendly that way. I also believe their jobs are equal seniority.

The first exchange I saw which made me look again, was her referencing a sex act (facesitting) and then saying joking in capitals to which H replied with laughing and sweating emoji’s and didn’t shut down.

It’s the sharing of intimate details which is most hurtful and it’s obvious he has discussed our wider relationship and issues with her.

I'd be unbelievably hurt to know my husband was complaining about our sex life to another person, saying he's bored and wants something 'more then missionary'. Just talking to another woman about you like that is such a betrayal of your trust, even if it's not 'cheating'.

Some people are saying he didn't start the conversation or what they might do to each other and that sort of excuses it, but I think he did start it before that text begins as they've obviously talked about him wanting more excitement and that's what she's replying to.

I'm fairly sure I couldn't forgive that or indeed have sex with him again as I'd just be remembering those words and my self esteem would be so low I wouldn't be able to feel remotely sexy. I'm so sorry OP, its completely understandable to be really upset about it.

Sensiblesal · 28/04/2026 18:38

To be fair he is talking about his sex life with you, she is laying it on thick and he is batting her away thinking about his sex life with you.

The only attempt at trying to push it towards sexting is coming from the colleague.

are his texts very misjudged and completely idiotic? Yes!

I think you already know how he has got to this point, you either work on the relationship or split up

He hasn’t cheated but you clearly don’t trust him, thats more of a reason for ending things than these texts.

Crushed23 · 28/04/2026 18:38

I’d bin him for saying “you wasn’t”, to be honest.

BatsInHibernation · 28/04/2026 18:37

No coming back from that. Never ever.

Happyjoe · 28/04/2026 18:37

OP, you deserve someone with a bit more class, so does your child.

He's wrecked it. Even if he'd been having ideas and fantasies, it's you he should've talked to, nobody else. So very sorry and sending hugs.

Endofyear · 28/04/2026 18:37

Can you ever imagine yourself having sex with him again? Because there's no way on earth that I would. He may not have cheated yet but he's certainly headed that way and would have done had you not seen the messages. You know you deserve better than this.

anon15830201174585920220384848320204738229 · 28/04/2026 18:35

This would really hurt me and I would leave my husband if he did this to me.

what do you want to do op

Happyjoe · 28/04/2026 18:34

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

Always the woman's fault eh?

Anyway, I'd take lack of trust from phone checking to seeing her hubby talking about taking it up the arse with a colleague any day.

ScreamingBeans · 28/04/2026 18:33

It would be over for me.

He might not have shagged her yet but he's certainly planning to.

It's not fantasy, the words and feelings are real.

You don't send DM's to colleagues like this unless you're already on the way to an affair.

Also what a couple of skanks.

MummyJ36 · 28/04/2026 18:32

what the hell 😮 your relationship is 100% over. Please please leave whilst you still have some dignity.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/04/2026 18:30

It’s over, clearly. The messages are clear.

However the minute you feel you have to look on his phone, it’s over anyway as you don’t trust him.

Cut your losses so you can carry one with your life

QueenBambi · 28/04/2026 18:30

How awful for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. This is a betrayal. How dare he complain about your private love life to this woman! She is a hideous creature as well. I think you will struggle to trust him after this. For me it would be over. I know that's not easy with a child, but honestly, he's a rat.

Lampzade · 28/04/2026 18:29

I would lose all respect for him

HappyHunting101 · 28/04/2026 18:28

I think even if you felt it was eventually forgivable, you're never going to be able to look at him the same way, feel the same way about him as you once did. So it would be over for me in that sense if nothing else.

To be clear, it would be over for me.

Daisymail · 28/04/2026 18:27

Gingercar · 28/04/2026 18:01

But he wasn’t saying “I would never cheat on my wife!” either. He was saying he’s all ears…

Show quote history

This.

ParisIsMyGirlCrush · 28/04/2026 18:25

Bin the cunt

JLou08 · 28/04/2026 18:24

That's awful. I don't think there's any coming back from it. Explicit messages are bad enough alone but to talk about his sex life with you that way is so disrespectful. I'm usually all about blaming the one your in a relationship with rather than OW, but she is just as bad to go along with that and use you as someone to big herself up against. The pair of them are disgusting. Sorry you're going through this.

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