To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

“desperately trying to be a cool girl” - do men really see women like this as cool? I really don’t think they do. To see someone as cool you have to have a bit of respect for them. I’d say they’re much more likely to see them as slags. I’m not going to call another woman a slag but IMO she’s made a total idiot of herself and comes off like a desperate sex pest. It’s gross. Especially after it all blows over and she has to make eye contact with him every day knowing he’s probably still got messages from her saying she wants to stick a dildo up his arse. Although she is right on one point- not agreeing to do anal unless he agrees to do it too. Why isn’t it always like this?! Why do so many men seem to expect to get to do anal with their partners when they’d never even consider getting pegged?!

You don’t need evidence. If you are at the point where you are sure someone is cheating then even if there is nothing on their phone, would you really trust them going forward?

Ah well, im sure op will get over any tiny bit of misplaced guilt she might feel over checking his phone, and I cant imagine him having the brass neck to moan about it.

How would you ever find evidence or know if someone is cheating? I’ve known of quite a few people who have cheated (they have told me) and every single one of them strongly denied it to their other halves, and even when separated maintained they were faithful.

I’m not sure many people would leave based on a fear / feeling their partner is cheating.

Some situations, I can understand people leaving due to ‘side effects’ of the person cheating - ie the other person has emotionally checked out, is spending time and energy outside of the relationships etc But there are cases I know of where on the cheaters behaviour didn’t change too much.

I don’t think my OH goes through my phone, if he asked he could have a look, and I’d rather he didn’t do it behind my back - but I wouldn’t divorce over that.

Good job your single then 😬

I’d chop the bastards balls off!

Gross. He's disgusting for casually chatting with this woman about his dissatisfaction with his relationship with you, including intimate details. That would kill any feelings I might have for a man. It's absolutely a form of betrayal. Physical cheating is not the only way to destroy a relationship. Some might find it easier to forgive a drunken moment of madness than this type of on-going conversation. It's a choice made repeatedly in the cold, sober light of day. There's no real excuse for it.

I don't think I'd waste any more of my life on someone so crude and disloyal.

Edited to add a crucial missing 'not'!

Quite.

That’s fine, your morals are your own business.

But it is possible for both people to be in the wrong.

Id be more than comfortable with losing the moral high ground initially if I found messages like that. Id own it, wear it, then take it to a charity shop only to buy it back the day after.

OP, it's a horrible betrayal - especially the comments re missionary and your sex life.

You have problems in your marraige. He never ever should have gone outside his marraige to discuss them and this conversation is gross and very immature

It does appear that she's offering herself on a plate and is definitely the pushing it. If he wanted to sleep with her, he would habe done it be now. She's clearly up for it.

That doesn't excuse him or even suggest that you forgive him. I'm not sure you should, I know I wouldn't.

If you suspect someone they aren’t going to admit it. But at that point you don’t trust them anyway so what’s the point?

If a man was looking through his wife’s phone, everyone on here would be up in arms about him being controlling.

It’s over ………. Sorry

Yes, best to give the cheating b a heads up by asking him. That way he can lie, destroy the evidence and gaslight the OP for possibly years…

Okay so you would be happy for your partner to check your phone? Good for you. I am single (thankfully) but anyone checking my phone would be out on their ear.

She is really trying hard to seduce him whilst your husband is saying he’s bored of sex with you. They are circling around round each other and even if nothing ever physically happens between them he has betrayed you.
He could of said to you let’s spice things up at anytime but chose instead to look elsewhere.
If you do try to patch up your marriage you will always feel like you have to be a performing seal to keep his interest and it will kill off your self esteem.

Are you for real ffs

They really, really don't. What a ridiculous stance.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta I think most women are more concerned about cheating and STIs!

Better to lose the moral high ground.

🎵One of these things is not like the other 🎶

No but the person who checks the phone loses the moral high ground. You don’t need evidence to leave someone.

OP, this is your decision of course and you may choose to remain in this marriage (for a while anyway)… can I ask you to imagine what happens next? Would you want him to change jobs? If you would and he agreed would you be happy with him working somewhere else where he may encounter a similar ‘cougar’ colleague? What would your sex life look like… now you’ve literally seen his words that you bore him sexually? Will you want to become ‘more sexually exciting/adventurous’? If so, how would you feel about that, would you be doing it because actually you’re pretty bored with missionary too or would you be ‘trying to compete’ with the colleague and her prowess (which your H responded to quite gleefully IMO)…. I get that right now you’re shocked, shaken and hurt and it’s probably not the best time for you to be trying to determine your true feelings, all I’m trying to say is please (if you love him and aren’t sure you want to LTB), consider what ‘staying’ really looks like, feels like…. please don’t stay because you panic about the DC /finances etc if you go.
For what it’s worth, I would go with my gut, scrape my broken heart up off the floor, pack him a bag and tell him to get the fuck to HER and not to forget the lube for his first pegging sesh.
But that’s just me

It is an abuse of trust to check someone’s phone. I know that on MN it’s positively encouraged but it would be a dealbreaker for me

I think she actually scares him but gross none the less .

Start a separate thread about it. Hopefully you’ll get some helpful advice. I don’t have any I’m afraid