To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

I think most people wouldn’t want to throw away their relationship over a suspicion.

She sounds a classy bird!!

Fine, everyone gets that you don’t agree with phone checking. But what’s your point and what’s your advice to the OP now? Are you saying two wrongs make a right so she should just forget about it?

OP you are the only person who can decide whether it’s possible to come back from those messages.

I think it’s grim but it also reads like two people who are craving a bit of attention, in different ways, rather than a man who is actively contemplating a physical affair.

Personally I think I probably could come back from it, in my marriage and with the appropriate work and communication going forward. But it’s really a decision only you can take, knowing him and knowing your marriage.

Woah she has no shame flirting like that with a married man. I would let everyone in their workplace know about her anonymously without mentioning your dh name. As to him - he is weak and not to be trusted.

He doesn't suggest S&M. He says something different but not hardcore.
She asks what he means by hardcore and he then says S&M.
He is specifically saying he doesn't want it, rather than suggesting it.

He typed ‘I’m all ears’ - that’s not passive, that’s an invitation.

I agree with this.
I'd be furious and would expect him to get a job somewhere else but I think I could move past it.

No, he was asking her to do something ‘different’, then suggests S and M. Does it really matter what kind of sex he was suggesting he would have with her?

She was very much the one leading it
He was happy to follow and didn't cut the conversation. He shared intimate details and feelings.
.He has massively betrayed OP.

Grim. The content and disrespect would have signed his death warrant with me. It’s all so cringey and obvious to boot

Its helped because she knows she wasn't just paranoid without reason.

Agree, this made him doubly repulsive. He sounds completely dense.

I have worked in male dominated corporate offices for over 30 years now.

you get all kinds of conversations and the in’s & outs of peoples marriages esp of you have good/social friendships within those offices.

you arguably spend more time with your work colleagues than your wife/husband. The female colleague is predatory, they are clearly friendly, she has heard the marriage gripes and jumped on it.

he isn’t blameless don’t get me wrong but his texts don’t read as someone having an emotional affair, sexting and they are barely explicit. I think his unhappiness, bravado & whatnot quickiy went wrong in that exchange. No had it even been a mild Mr Grey & he was partaking I would say emotional affair, cheating & whatever

The Op clearly states they are having issues, maybe they won’t fix them because he can’t communicate his issues to her but he is capable given he has told people at work. He lays them out bare in the texts. Its up to the Op now what she decides to do

Of course it’s not easy - her husband has behaved horribly. But I’m not sure she’d have been better off being in the dark.

But she’s in no easier a position now. So it hasn’t helped

Yeah.. nope! If she’d outright offered he’d have accepted. You deserve better ❤️❤️

Well if it’s paranoia then you have to look at yourself and address it however hard that is for you. But this wasn’t paranoia.

This exchange, with the exception of the bit where he talks about missionary, reminds me of many awkward exchange with predatory men I’ve had over the years. The awkward ‘haha’ gives it away.

I couldn't get past the fact that he's discussed your sex life with this woman. Cheating is bad enough but to discuss the intimate aspects of your relationship in this way shows a complete lack of respect for you.

Looking at a partners phone is in no way comparable to having this kind of conversation. On a scale of 1-10 in terms of wrongdoing, OP is at a 2 and her h is on about 8/9!

I get that. But if it’s paranoia, then that’s something that’s going to affect you going forward, surely? So if there’s no dodgy messages, what then? Because surely the doubt is still there in the back of your mind?

“Cool girl” doesn’t mean cool as in “wow, she’s really cool.”

It’s urban slang for someone who tries to behave in a way that gets male attention, and tries to act like they’re into all the stuff guys would supposedly want (like anal) whilst being unbothered about being serious and committed etc. Someone who props up the patriarchy and pits themselves against other women. It’s exactly the way this woman is behaving.

This 💯.
She was completely pushing it , he shouldn’t have gone along with it or moan to her about your sex life , I’d be fucking raging !
Like PP has said I wouldn’t end my marriage over it .
You can tell by the messages he exchanges with her that he’s not falling over himself wanting to get into bed with her .

And yes you guys have shit to sort out & address your sex life .

It’s not easy to end a marriage based on just a worry.

Not when you have a small child, a shared life, a home and years of memories together. It’s closing the door on a life you built and you thought was worth something.

Your whole future changes as does your child’s.

So yes, I can see why some people want to be sure that their fears are grounded in truth rather than paranoia.

Well his not attracted to this woman, you can tell that from his replies. He could have ended up shagging her though because she’s clearly up for that. But it’s the disrespect that would make me feel really angry.