AIBU to expect grandparents to ask to spend time with grandchildren?

Ask them?
As the kids are getting older, they would love to spend more time with you. Maybe one at a time?
Makes it clear its not for childcare but so kids form a closer bond.

I think going on days out with you is enough. Not everyone would want 1-1 time with kids.

They're from the generation where everyone was expected to have kids, there will be so many grandparents that if born in this generation may have opted to never have them.

I do think this concern is a modern phenomenon. I hardly knew my Grandparents as they lived in another country but would visit with my parents once a year. We also write to each other. When I had children my parents were still working. My husband and I would visit their town about once a week and we’d also spend special days like Christmas with them. There was no ‘one on one’ time. That’s not what GP’s were for. Parents patented. No one I knew had regular child minding services provided either. Now with my GC I’ve spent lots of time with him and we’ve always gone to festivals and camping together. But it’s sort of just evolved that way. I’ve had more time than my parents had and only the one GC. I also live in the same town. But I don’t feel obliged to. I happen to really enjoy his company. DD would never ever expect anything

My experience with both sets of grandparents is that they don’t initiate it. They help out when asked - e.g I have a hospital appointment next week, I can leave my little boy with them and all will be fine - but they don’t ask for one-on-one time. We do things together as a family (every week). I’d find it a bit strange if they said they wanted a Saturday with him alone - I think the default is that children are with their parents and you ask if you need a break/ childcare.

I think you’ve said already, but this is your partners folks right- so your in-laws? May I ask if your partner has wondered about this to?

I only ask because I feel this is a classic case of the female in the relationship taking on the mental load of communication with both sides of the family, making sure everyone is happy and all of that.

I’d be curious about how your partner feels about their level of involvement and if they are motivated do anything to increase it.

I’m making some assumptions here that you’re a female in a heterosexual relationship so do correct me if I’m wrong. Basically, you sound very thoughtful and kind to worry about how they feel, but wondering if it’s your mental load to bear, if you see what I mean.

My in laws never initiated contact, and certainly never wanted any alone time with our kids! My DH would contact them every month or so and suggest we visit or they come to us. There was never a ‘oh yes we’d love to’ (both retired), more a ‘well let us look at our diary and get back to you’. That’s just the way they were (and it was the same with all their grandkids).

we dont like to impose
i guess in your own parents there is a more easy going relationship

i would love to see my grandson every day but i must take a step back

I know every family is different and this wouldn’t work for a lot of people, but what works for us is routine.

When I was growing up, we had Sunday dinner with both sets of grandparents every other week. This obviously was flexible around holidays/if something else came up, but generally was every fortnight. I went to my Nan and grandads for a few hours after school on a Monday, and grandmas for tea on a Thursday.

Im on maternity leave at the moment and my mum and dad come to spend the day with us every Monday.

However my partners family are very different, and they just “pop round” whenever they like. It annoys me often, especially when they don’t message first to let us know. They’ll take the baby out once a month or so, to a farm or the park, and that’s usually organised in advance.

I just find the routine helpful as everyone knows where they are. No unexpected visits or drop ins, no one feeing slighted that they’ve not been invited to do something, no one worrying they are over stepping by initiating a get together.

My kids have one of each type too.
My parents (separated) are less involved than my mil is. My dad will arrange family get togethers a few times a year but he and his wife have never had the kids by themselves but will message asking after them once a week or so.
My mum will ask maximum once a month/two months and will take the eldest out for a few hours. I ask on the odd occasion if she could have them (usually only one of the two) if we have plans and need a babysitter. I think she very much expects me to bring them to see her as that’s what she did with us and her parents (every weekend without fail).
MiL asks for have them at least every other week and will take them for days out and have them for sleepovers (more the eldest as youngest is still fairly young).
My parents both still work and MiL doesn’t so this could be a factor. Mum says she’s too tired on a weekend after working all week.

Can you identify situations, activities or times of the week that would work well for you and then invite them as a starting point? Then build from there.
We are free on Saturday afternoon maybe we could come over and go to the park/cafe/farm together.
Tuesday afternoon is good for us would you like to come over for an easy tea and play with the children.
We are going to the supermarket on Sunday shall we call in for a cuppa on the way.
You may get a better feel for how much input they actually want.

My children have a heavily involved set of gran parents and set of grandparents that see them once a year by choice. The children have a better relationship with the heavily involved grandparents than the absent ones. I do think though that absent grandparents tend to be crap parents to the adult child. She was detached the day he was born and had no interest being a loving a mother and did the bare minimum. My mother was a loving that cared for me in every way. She is the same with her gran children.

You don't have to see your grandparents that often to love them. I saw my grandad every few months growing up and loved the bones of the man.

I think everyone’s circumstances and preferences are different and unlike parenthood which has come with obligations and expectations since biblical times, there has never been the same for grandparents. If they are still alive they may play a significant role in their grandchildren’s lives but their parents may have decided to move to Australia and no one thinks any the worse of the parents for doing so. Which obviously would be quite unfair if they are otherwise always expected to always play a major role in their life. I appreciated the time I spent with my grandparents and the treats they went to the effort to buy me, trips to fun places, the latest toy for Christmas etc, I don’t think they ever saw their role as to provide childcare or respite care for my parents but would have if the genuine need arose. They were an important part in my life but not comparable to my parents in anyway, which is similar to how I see my role. They played a much more significant role in the lives of the grandchildren who lived nearby them and can see would probably be the same with my grandchildren too, probably more to the parents resentment than it bothering the actual grandchildren

Just be thankful you have one set of hands-on grandparents - lots of us have no family support.

Yes I think that’s the way to go - make it very casual rather than an accusation - if they don’t take you up on it that’s in their court then

They probably just don’t want to. I’m divorced and my ex mil told her son not to come round EOW with the kids as it was too much. Contrary to popular belief many grandparents aren’t fussed.

And what's with this modern obsession with "bonding". What does it even mean?

I’ve only heard about “bonding” on here mainly around meeting a newborn before the vernix is dry and if you make family wait longer than they want don’t expect offers of childcare.

Once a month sounds about right and "normal". And what do you mean by 1 on 1 time? I only ever saw my grandparents when we visited them about once a month for tea or Sunday lunch with my parents. We'd maybe all go for a picnic in the summer. I always enjoyed that time. That's enough surely? And what's with this modern obsession with "bonding". What does it even mean? The kids know who their grandparents are and will love them regardless - assuming they're nice people which they sound like.

Strictly speaking I'm a step Grandparent. DH and I live approx 3 hours from DSS and his partner and their baby. We probably see them every 6 weeks or so, for a couple of hours. We've found a really nice place to meet half-way. DH and I are both in our 50s and work full time. It seems to work well.

We don't have 121 time with our granddaughter.

I’m a grandparent but also still raising young children so know how tiring it can be. I have noticed many parents expectations these days seems sky high when it comes to their parents role in raising their children and thus wasn’t something I expected when I became a grandparent. I do love my DGC and enjoy seeing them and treating them when we can afford it but to me it isn’t anything like being a parent, I’d miss them if I never saw them and feel very blessed to have GC but it’s not like I pine for them the same way I do when going to pick up my little ones from nursery/school or feel the same subconscioussuper tuned in/attentiveness I do towards my own children: They are special as they are part of my own much loved DC and lovely kids but it isn’t the same. I treasured my grandparents and enjoyed their visits/going to visit them, treats, advice etc even though only saw them occasionally. Spending time with small children is exhausting and often quite tedious, when I eventually get chance to retire, kids grown up etc and have a rest I can imagine it would be nice to do occasionally but not e.g every week, perhaps the outing you have invited them on feel enough for them

Just talk to them. Or get DH to. As you've acknowledged already, GPs come in all shapes and sizes and different level of engagement. They sound pretty engaged to me. Not every GP wants to be hands on but you'll only find out if you talk to them.