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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not provide my ex with a bag of stuff?

167 replies

PurpleJune · 28/04/2026 08:42

Just want to sanity check this, because I'm sure I'm overthinking it.

Ex comes to see DC once a week and is only allowed to see them during the day, so he arrives by train and we meet him at the station. I provide a bag of essentials - nappies, creams, sunscreen, hats etc.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with providing this bag every week for his visits, as he's a grown man and needs to take some responsibility. I'm going to tell him that I won't be providing the bag any longer, and he'll have to bring what he needs for his visits with the DC.

AIBU if I do this? There's no question that he will provide that stuff, it's just we're going through all manner of court proceedings and I know he will weaponise anything and everything I do. The only reason this has continued for so long is that I've always been the organised and responsible one in the relationship, hence why he is my ex!

OP posts:
RobinEllacotStrike · 28/04/2026 10:07

I would give him the bag one more time & tell him moving forward he needs to take care of packing for the childrens needs for the day.

Take a photo of the bag contents & you can use that if you need to instead of writing a list or whateever.

He will step up or not. Absolutely give it a go though - he is using this to further get to you.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/04/2026 10:04

HoldItAllTogether · 28/04/2026 09:29

I’d carry on providing the bag. It’s hardly any bother for you really and it’s easier overall. I think it’s petty not to

How is the OP petty when she currently does everything for their child and he does nothing? How is it easy for her to provide the bag but not for him who is child-free for the rest of the week who I am sure has more time (and money) to provide the bag of essential items for his own child?

SecretSquid · 28/04/2026 10:02

youalright · 28/04/2026 09:43

Everyone i know who chose to bring innocent children into an abusive relationship. Where fully aware of what was going on but thought the innocent baby would fix everything. It pisses me off if you want to hang around an be spoke to like shit, be hit, threatened and feel like you're walking on eggshells and pretend its OK as he didn't mean it he was just tired, stressed, drunk, I annoyed him, then go for it but I am sick and tired of adults repeatedly putting children in the middle of it

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Everyone you know who does this? How many dozens of people do you know who do this?
How much research have you done into DV?
Shame on you.

MarieTheresevonWerdenberg · 28/04/2026 09:58

abracadabra1980 · 28/04/2026 08:53

If he's this irresponsible, I'd likely continue for the sake of your child. Pic your battles. You'll never 'teach him a lesson' by not providing it.

This.

Just not worth the potential aggro.

daffodilandtulip · 28/04/2026 09:58

BridgetJonesV2 · 28/04/2026 09:48

You sound really stressed and angry, OP, but the sad reality here is that you chose to have children with this man and he will be in your life until the end of time. I wouldn't give him any ammunition against me, and I would point out in court that he won't even provide nappies during contact time. Use it against him.

And it will be pointed out right back, that the mother isn’t prepared to work with the father for the sake of the children. (Not saying this is what I think!)

ThreeGirl · 28/04/2026 09:55

PurpleJune · 28/04/2026 09:52

After reading some of the more considered responses, I'm of a mind to continue supplying the bag because - as you say - it demonstrates how inept this man is as a parent. But I'm still surprised at much of the victim-blaming that excuses bad behaviour from one parent because the other has always picked up the slack. I will always pick up the slack for my children's sake. My point is, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a man who believes himself to be a capable parent to take responsibility for our children once in a while.

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It’s not unreasonable. He should be providing what they need during his contact time. But you’re in a war with a man who is going to use everything he can against you, and this isn’t worth your energy.

Original poster
PurpleJune · 28/04/2026 09:52

BridgetJonesV2 · 28/04/2026 09:48

You sound really stressed and angry, OP, but the sad reality here is that you chose to have children with this man and he will be in your life until the end of time. I wouldn't give him any ammunition against me, and I would point out in court that he won't even provide nappies during contact time. Use it against him.

After reading some of the more considered responses, I'm of a mind to continue supplying the bag because - as you say - it demonstrates how inept this man is as a parent. But I'm still surprised at much of the victim-blaming that excuses bad behaviour from one parent because the other has always picked up the slack. I will always pick up the slack for my children's sake. My point is, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a man who believes himself to be a capable parent to take responsibility for our children once in a while.

OP posts:
Mankini · 28/04/2026 09:50

LoveHearts69 · 28/04/2026 09:45

I’d maybe provide a bag of stuff as a one off that he can keep at his - so a bottle of suncream, a few changes of clothes that you don’t love, one pack of nappies and wipes and a bottle of calpol and tell him he will need to restock once anything runs out.

This. And put it in writing via a text or email that this is now the arrangement.

BridgetJonesV2 · 28/04/2026 09:48

You sound really stressed and angry, OP, but the sad reality here is that you chose to have children with this man and he will be in your life until the end of time. I wouldn't give him any ammunition against me, and I would point out in court that he won't even provide nappies during contact time. Use it against him.

ThreeGirl · 28/04/2026 09:48

If your mum’s doing drop off and collection anyway, you’ll need to pack a bag for her surely?

If the baby is dropped off in a dirty nappy without a sun hat, you can bet he’ll weaponise that.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 28/04/2026 09:46

daffodilandtulip · 28/04/2026 09:00

Not a battle I’d choose whist going through court.

💯

LoveHearts69 · 28/04/2026 09:45

I’d maybe provide a bag of stuff as a one off that he can keep at his - so a bottle of suncream, a few changes of clothes that you don’t love, one pack of nappies and wipes and a bottle of calpol and tell him he will need to restock once anything runs out.

BridgetJonesV2 · 28/04/2026 09:45

It's not a hill I'd choose to die on, in honesty. I completely understand your logic, and he should be providing it, of course.

But it's the children who will suffer if he can't be bothered to change a nappy....

ThreeGirl · 28/04/2026 09:44

youalright · 28/04/2026 09:43

Everyone i know who chose to bring innocent children into an abusive relationship. Where fully aware of what was going on but thought the innocent baby would fix everything. It pisses me off if you want to hang around an be spoke to like shit, be hit, threatened and feel like you're walking on eggshells and pretend its OK as he didn't mean it he was just tired, stressed, drunk, I annoyed him, then go for it but I am sick and tired of adults repeatedly putting children in the middle of it

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You need to get some better friends.

Many abusive relationships start during pregnancy. It’s well documented.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 28/04/2026 09:44

AggroPotato · 28/04/2026 08:49

Not unreasonable at all. Why should you have to do this?

Why? Because she loves her child and wants them taken care of - which bed may or may not to properly without the bag OP provides? Why? Because this is perhaps not the hill to die on in an acrimonious separation

Original poster
PurpleJune · 28/04/2026 09:44

I'm actually quite stunned at the attitude that I'm the one being selfish, that I should "pick my battles" and stop "point scoring". I'm also amazed that the same people are not applying these very rules to my ex, who turns up every week like he's king of the castle and gladly takes the bag he knows that I'll pack for him every week so he doesn't have to bother.

As I've said before and I'll say again - I would do anything for my children, and this has absolutely nothing to do with them. This is a relic of control left over from our relationship which I wish to abolish.

OP posts:
youalright · 28/04/2026 09:43

WelshRabBite · 28/04/2026 09:36

Do you also believe that Gisele Pelicot knew her husband was drugging and raping her? She was married to him for nearly 50 years.

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Everyone i know who chose to bring innocent children into an abusive relationship. Where fully aware of what was going on but thought the innocent baby would fix everything. It pisses me off if you want to hang around an be spoke to like shit, be hit, threatened and feel like you're walking on eggshells and pretend its OK as he didn't mean it he was just tired, stressed, drunk, I annoyed him, then go for it but I am sick and tired of adults repeatedly putting children in the middle of it

ThreeGirl · 28/04/2026 09:40

DoughnutDreamer · 28/04/2026 09:34

What has maintenance got to do with his ability to do basic parenting?

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Maintenance is a legally mandated contribution to the costs of the other parent having more overnights.

If he has no overnights, the child maintenance service (and courts) assume all costs will be covered by her.

Yes it’d be better if he provides it all, but it’s really a small inconvenience to OP compared to everything else. She’d be better off listing it as a reason why he’s incompetent than making it something he will use against her.

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/04/2026 09:39

Can you reframe it mentally as you providing stuff for your DC, rather than your ex? Probably you would give your mum a bag of bits if she was babysitting. If you give him a list he can still weaponise that if he's minded to. This is just further proof of how useless he is.

Skybluepinky · 28/04/2026 09:39

If you love your child you will carry on, it’s not your child’s problem you chose a partner that you are no longer with. Point scoring is harmful to your child.

Vaxtable · 28/04/2026 09:38

It’s not a battle I would pick if you are going through court. It’s one day and if he didn’t see the child you would use the stuff anyway

i would continue to provide so at least I knew the child had what is needed

Once court is sorted I might review

matresense · 28/04/2026 09:37

I think you should use it until the court appearance. Surely it’s relevant to the 50:50 that he turns up empty handed and hasn’t offered or thought about doing it himself?

ThreeGirl · 28/04/2026 09:37

PurpleJune · 28/04/2026 09:33

See my other message - I have a non-mol, it's unsafe for me to be in the house with him and he knows it, which is why he's staying put.

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The police have really let you down in not keeping you in the house and banning him from being a certain distance from it. Did you leave voluntarily?

WelshRabBite · 28/04/2026 09:36

youalright · 28/04/2026 09:31

I find it very hard to believe after living with someone 5/10 years that they suddenly have a complete personality transplant overnight. Everyone apparently has the perfect relationship then all of a sudden their ex is an abusive narcissist.

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Do you also believe that Gisele Pelicot knew her husband was drugging and raping her? She was married to him for nearly 50 years.

Original poster
PurpleJune · 28/04/2026 09:35

youalright · 28/04/2026 09:31

I find it very hard to believe after living with someone 5/10 years that they suddenly have a complete personality transplant overnight. Everyone apparently has the perfect relationship then all of a sudden their ex is an abusive narcissist.

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I'm going to give you the benefit of a doubt, because you don't know me or this man. But suffice to say, no it didn't happen overnight - it was like that for many years. But if you knew the first thing about DA, it's like you've been brainwashed and you can't see the forest for the trees. Of course I can see plainly it was abuse now, with hindsight. It's very easy to judge when you haven't walked a day in someone's shoes

OP posts: