To not provide my ex with a bag of stuff?

They don't change overnight. The behaviours are generally there from the start, but put across in a caring way. Then step by step it gets worse and worse, but the person being abused doesn't see it. Sometimes family and friends do, but can't always fully express their concerns at risk of alienating and losing contact their loved one when they are clearly vulnerable. Eventually, hopefully (as seems to have happened in this case), their eyes are opened and they realise how they have been treated over many many years is so wrong and is abuse. There is no sudden appearance of an abusive narcissist, it is a more likely to be a sudden realisation that they have been living with one and being manipulated and abused over a long period of time.

You'll also find many people in the 'perfect' relationship are publicly masking what is actually happening, that is far from the outward perception. Examples include some of the people outwardly very gushy of a partner on social media.

Someone close to me is going through this now, I personally could see something wrong a number of years before they did, and they knew I didn't like their partner. I didn't appreciate quite how bad the situation was until they can realised what was happening, and now talk about what he was like behind closed doors.

Sounds like the court may be involved?

I would continue providing what your child needs. Not for the benefit of your ex but for the benefit of your child.

After 9 years, I still send my children to their dad’s with everything they need for the weekend. They don’t have so much as a pair of socks at their dad’s house. DP goes spare about it but I’ve stopped caring. As long as the kids are happy and comfortable, I’ll continue to make sure they’re catered for. It’s to make their lives easier, not his. They’ll never have to question my efforts.

Who has decided he can only see the children once a week for a few hours?

If you're still reading OP, I think you're probably making the best decision. While I understand your point, it actually sounds to me like the bag becoming an issue might be another mechanism for XP to control you. He could 'forget' it, make you worry. If he sees it bothers you, it's ammunition.

You would be applying suncream and giving the children hats if they went out of the house whatever the circumstances, so it's basically about a nappy bag? It's not fair, of course it isn't, but to me it sounds like the potential for him to use this as a tool of control is greater than the level of control currently involved in you packing it.

I don't know why people keep ignoring that OP has repeatedly said if she tells ex to buy his own things, he will buy them and he will use them,

But people really are determined to see women as the default parents who need to facilitate men to give basic care to their own kids.

Mind boggling.

Take the attitude that this is what you are doing for your child, not ex and it may be a less bitter pill to swallow. At least you know they have the stuff you want them to have.
As they get older they won't need as much stuff but will probably choose to take things such as a favourite sunhat or toy.
At least you are getting the bag back atm. Plenty of threads on here about clothes not being returned when parents move to eow or 50/50.
Good luck with court.

I’m sorry you went through that and hope you are well now.

OP should take heed of your message in particular.

If the kids need it for the day you pack it. One of you has to be the responsible parent.

this absolutely. You aren't benefitting your useless ex, you are protecting your child

Choose your battles and this isn't one of them.
he may choose to deduct the cost of that days nappies / sun cream and sun hat from your maintenance.

Just pretend to yourself that your children are going out for the day with an auntie or cousin, you would pack a bag on these occasions wouldn't you as you wouldn't hope/expect an aunty to be buying nappies etc. for a day out.

He is a twat
Id keep providing just to show his level of incomptence and basic inability to think to provide for his kids

I really feel for you, OP, this must be a daily hell to live with. But remember that you are physically free of him if not mentally. And things like not providing basics for his children during HIS contact time won't help his claims for 50/50.

As someone who has coparented with a wealthy abusive arsehole and spent 11 years in an out of family court, I strongly advise you to let go of any notion of fairness and just pack the bag. You are going to have to over-function to protect your child. It’s not going to be fair. Your child is obviously very young and you need to think carefully about your priorities as I wish to God I had. I remember having exactly this argument with my ex. Total waste of time and pointless, he just found something else worse to control me and they always can because they can hurt the child to get to you and they can do a lot of that before anyone will tell you it’s okay to cease contact. You are in this for the long haul, prioritise peace over fairness. I know it’s shit but if if you don’t your child is going to be raised in a warzone and from personal experience experience it has has left my Beautiful son and I deeply traumatised. Six months after court proceedings finally finished I was diagnosed with cancer which I have no doubt was brought on by the stress of what my ex and family Court did to us. This is a cautionary tale, but I hope you get where I’m coming from.

I think YABU for practical reasons rather than because you think he should step up. Of course he should, he's useless. But practically changing to stop doing what you've always done could count against you in court. Also if he only has baby once a week expecting him to have clothes etc for them isn't really feasible- anything he buys will be outgrown after a couple of wears. Arguably his problem but I think it means a court would think it makes sense that you should pack the bag.

It's great though that you are challenging all of the status quo things because it means you are pulling yourself out of the brainwashing you experienced before. Well done. I strongly hope the court sees sense and doesn't give him 50/50, but were they to do so I would definitely stop packing the bag and expect him to have everything sorted himself.

But weaponising his incompetence back doesn’t serve the needs of your child, though does it? It’s petty. Just provide a bag (which I assume you have on hand as it’s likely the one you use all week anyway, so not a hassle really) and save your energy for more important battles.

It would be easier and faster to have a bag on standby than take on a mental load of reminding him every time, worrying whether he will do it and then potentially having to provide it anyway. He is your ex, you don't need to manage him. The bag is for your child, not for him.

He shouldn’t need you to provide these items, I agree.

But (!) what’s the alternative? Will he step up or will your child simply return sunburnt, with a rash etc.?

This probably wouldn’t be the hill I’d want to die on. But I have never been in your situation, so… 🤷‍♀️

There’s very little victim blaming, @youalright excepted. Most posters are saying to continue because doing so gives OP the upper hand in court proceedings, for minimal effort. If she sends her mum and the children without the bag, and her mum hands over a kid with a dirty nappy and clothes, don’t you think he’ll use that against her? Is it really worth arguing about in court and paying solicitors fees on?

OP is stuck with this abusive man for the next few decades. He’s highly likely to be awarded more contact time and will need to provide his own consumables then. She needs to focus on the bigger picture.

Often abusive and controlling behaviour only starts in earnest when the woman becomes pregnant. The abusive partner/husband feels safe to do this as it is so much more difficult for a woman to leave an abusive marriage when there are children involved and the woman will often think that it's best to remain in the marriage so she is always there to protect the children.

Your posts are very much 'you made your bed, so lie in in' and are completely lacking in any empathy or kindness towards OP who is a victim of domestic violence.

Are you for real? Where did it say that in any of the OP’s posts!

For the sake of the child.

Victim blaming at its finest. OP has a non-molestation order against her abusive ex-husband yet the majority of posters seem to be on his side and accusing OP of being petty because it's so easy for her to provide the bag but so difficult for him for some reason.