To not provide my ex with a bag of stuff?

Is there a middle ground, @PurpleJune, where you send the bag but tell your ex that X, Y or Z needs replacing in it, so can he do that while he's out with her? For example "I've put suncream on her, but she'll need more while you're out, so you'll have to buy some" or "She's nearly out of wipes/sudocrem, so can you pick up some more today, please" - so your dd has the stuff she needs but he is contributing to it too.

I am 100% in agreement with you open... personally I'd pick up a cheapo rucksack from a charity shop, pack it with a few nappies etc, and a laminated list of what she needs then tell him it's the last time you'll send them with a bag.

@PurpleJunein a similar situation I picked up a cheap second bag. Put bum cream, sun cream, hat (that I didn’t mind not using), Calpol and spare outfit in it and left them in it permanent. Then weekly when my DC returned I topped it with nappies and then forgot about it until the following week.

I still felt very pissed off that I had to do it for him (for the sake of our girls) but it did help me in my own mind that I wasn’t handing over my bag every week.

You are providing the stuff to support the children so continue to do that.
they might suffer if he hasn’t got it.
find another way to fight your corner.
it all sounds horrible for you.

No you shouldn't have to do this.

But... With court cases and reading between the lines - awkwardness etc etc then it would be pragmatic to carry on providing a bag.
Don't give him any ammunition.

All the best

Yeah, she should absolutely cover all costs in exchange for those riches 🙄She is already massively subsidising him in his share of raising his children. And he is much wealthier. He can cover these very minimal costs while the kids are with him.

Is there any circumstance in which he would do this for you?

Stop doing it. He’s an adult and a parent. He can behave like one. You are not his assistant.

This is the annoying but right thing to do @PurpleJune

You presumably have the bag all yhe time anyway so in many ways easier vs reminding him.... worrying he actually brought the sunscreen etc.

Focus your energy on the big ticket items.

Can you stop projecting issues with your weird friendships onto OP's thread?

Do you think he is able to provide these things. I would potentially provide him one final packed bag with everything and then say he is responsible for topping it up and bringing it with him. He sounds like a complete prick

If your child was a bit older, they would be able to take their own necessities to see him but as it is, I think you really need to make sure your child has what they need for the visit. I'm not sure how this is controlling you any more than he would be if you didn't provide the necessities. You are already taking your child to meet him and presumably being available to meet again at the end of the visit.

Try to reframe this, as you making sure that your child has everything they need for the visit, just as you would if they were visiting a different relative for a few hours.
Actually you are the one in control here, as you decide which brand to use and how much stuff to send.

I do understand that you would rather not have any interation with him but that is unavoidable under the circumstances.

Personally i don't think this is a big problem. There is nothing wrong with providing a bag with some essential items for DC just to make sure they have everything they need for the train journey. Although he should have items such as nappies etc at his house and of course he could take initiative and pack things as well. . If you do bring anything up and you are really fed up just bring it up calmly, its not worth a battle for.

That’s a fair point.

Personally l would provide it and utilise it for your benefit at court -obviously making clear his refusal to meet your child’s needs
Him being on the train has nothing to do with it?! I had twins but magically would be able to carry the things they need when travelling by train 🙄

im another one for choosing your battles here. I 100% get the mental load. But actually this is a relatively short term thing. Nappies etc won’t be needed for long (though I can see how it maybe doesn’t feel that way to you now!) and ultimately your child will have their own backpack with their own hat, sunnies, gloves, water, etc). And your child will need to be responsible for it. So actually it might not get you anything long term. Especially as presumably you need to take the bag for your child anyway for nappies/clothes changes for your journey, so it actually doesn’t add much just handing it over.

Sorry for your frustrations.

if you do decide not to hand over the bad try something like this when you drop off (not pick up). ‘I won’t be providing a bag with supplies from next week. Please feel free to rummage thorough this one this week to make a list of the things you need to provide going forwards to make sure you’re prepared’. But then it’s on him you can’t check week by week if he’s got hat / suncream / snacks and you and your child need to deal with the consequences.

But how can she prove that he can’t /wont unless she asks him to provide it

otherwise his argument could be ‘of course I can provide it like all parents can, I use what’s in the bag mother gives me as she is really controlling over brands etc and I was worried than insisting on doing things my way might come across as controlling. If she didn’t want to send the bag why on earth did she do so /didnt she tell me? There would be no sense in me duplicating what she kept doing, even without me asking her to, and carrying two heavy bags around?’

Huge sympathies, it sounds like you have been going through hell! I completely get where you are coming from, but I agree with people saying to pick your battles for now, tell him to bring a bag, but give your mum some stuff for when he inevitably turns up without it. Otherwise, he will just make it a thing, get vicious, start a whole new argument, and cause additional stress.

You obviously shouldn't have to do it; he is a poor excuse for a human being. It is frustrating when people get away with being crap parents and not carrying any of the load, but ask yourself, is it worth the stress? Each argument spikes our adrenals and can leave us unbalanced for ages afterwards. The more arguments, the more our cortisol levels get out of whack, which can cause long-term health issues. Stress literally kills people.

I would say with sunscreen, you will be the one dealing with sunburned kids when he inevitably forgets the stuff, so ask him to pack it, but give your mum some sunscreen and hats just in case!

I agree with you.

He’s a father and needs to start acting like one. He will figure things out himself when he has to.

I would just continue to provide it, particularly as he arrives on the train. If he is irresponsible, you'll probably worry that your baby is still wearing the same nappy all day or something if you don't! Think of it this way, your baby won't be needing most of that stuff for that long (in the larger scheme of things) so it'll naturally phase out.

I agree, you absolutely shouldn’t have to facilitate things that he needs to provide. He’s a grown man ffs!
Having said that, I’d play the better game and I’d use it against him in court. How can he go for 50/50 when he doesn’t even provide a bag with the basics that your child needs? It will make you look like the competent parent (which you obviously are).
Regarding the house and him refusing to sell, can the courts not make him? Apologies that I don’t know if this is possible.
He sounds like a prize prick and I’m sorry you’re saddled with him.

Just provide the bag its for your kid after all, just think of it that way. You wouldn't want to think your child doesn't have the things they need. Yes he should do it but pick your battles. I still provide bags of clothes for my kids when they stay over at their dads , they are 15 and 11!

Glad it’s not just me who is amused by the encouragement of dead beat dadding. He pays a paltry amount of money and does no overnights so his ex needs to provide EVERYTHING?!
People’s expectation are embarrassingly and pathetically low

The victim in this situation is the child

Sending massive sympathy!

As someone years ahead of you on this journey you need to try to accept that court don't view things in terms of fairness, but also consider things like practicalities.

It is fair he provides these items. But it is more practical for you to do it while he is having such limited contact. It wouldn't make sense for him to have lots of clothes etc. Also court like to reduce unnecessary communication between parents when abuse is involved. If he provided a bag this would give him an excuse to contacted contact asking about clothes or nappy sizes, food preferences etc.

Look up the grey rock approach (or perhaps yellow rock since you are still in court proceedings). The less you communicate the better things will get over time. My ex still returns clothes three years too small and its just not worth saying anything. He does these things far far less often now he doesn't get the reaction he wants