AIBU to feel foolish for not noticing my husband's affair?

My heart broke reading this. I’m sorry you are living through this, what a vile piece of shit he is. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you trusted your husband which you should be able to do. This could happen to anyone, he’s calculated how to hide it and is just a good liar. Not sure how he can live with himself tbh.
You cannot ever trust anything he says now so make sure you get your financials sorted. You and your child are your only priority now. One day he will wake up and realise what he threw away, and probably try to come back. Steel yourself so that you don’t cave.

I fully agree.

Ugh, what a snake.

So sorry OP.

Circumstances made it easy for him to have an affair without detection. And the big changes involved in having a baby / young child mean there are fewer set patterns and more distraction, so less likely to spot any anomalies.

It’s not you , it’s him. Total betrayal.

Why did he decide to tell you? Was it because he wanted to leave you to be with her?

At least (but this is bargain basement mitigation) he told you and didn’t descend into being nasty and snappy and blaming you for months while denying there was an OW.

So sorry you are going through this.

You will get through it. There will come a day you are OK. One day at a time til then

You shouldn't feel stupid for being an honest person and believing your husband was the same. Bloody typical that he told you only when he was ready to move in with her. They deserve each other.

So so sorry OP. What a shit he is to do this to you, especially when you have a toddler. Despicable and an awful thing to do. You’re better off without him. Don’t beat yourself up for not noticing. Why would you have expected this?

You've nothing to blame yourself for. You should be able to trust your husband to go to work or fit a drink. Not look back, he's a piece of shit and not worth your energy. He's a liar and disgusting. You need to figure out what you want and move forwards. You can feel happy and loved again. You can feel strong and happy being single.

YABU for carrying the weight of not realising the liar is such an accomplished liar.
He had the perfect cover and was cheating with someone you trust/wouldn't suspect. Two bare-faced liars.

I'm sorry you're going through this 💐.

This is not your fault and you are not stupid.

This is exactly what the bastards do! They abuse your trust and treat you like an idiot.

Many of us have been completely blindsided by our ex’s duplicitous ways. In my case the younger woman worked with him, was in a relationship with someone else and the couple had been to our house for dinner etc. She pretended she was just a work colleague all the while knowing they were shagging behind my back.

Find your anger and take him to the cleaners. You will never be able to trust him again and although you might want to try again, it rarely if ever works out.

Also, beware that his mum will feel conflicted but is likely to prioritise her son over you so don’t expect her to be your ally.

I agree with all PPs, no words to describe how low he is. I just wanted to add that your feelings of foolishness are you processing the raw, initial shock & it'll be short lived because you are genuinely NOT the fool here. Trust your brain to do it's thing, be kind to yourself, lean on others who love you. Sending much love & strength.

The shame must change sides OP. Find your anger instead. I’m so sorry

Not your fault, he conned you. All fault resides with him, he deliberately deceived you, he invited her out to be sat round a table with you two months ago

Years ago I worked in a small team and the boss was meeting prostitutes here and there as well as having many affairs in the seven years I worked there. There was no way his wife (3 kids) would or could every have known as he simply fit it all in to his daily work life.

Don't feel bad about this aspect. Get an STD check though

Don’t bother wasting your energy on beating yourself up about it. He’s absolutely awful and has lied through his teeth to you. Why would you suspect? She’s just a two faced cow, but she’ll never be able to trust him and their relationship is already doomed to misery from the start. More fool her.

You're going to need to get going on the solicitor front asap. When he sees one they will probably tell him to move back in. Start a diary now of his contact/ requested contact/ his refusal of contact with your child. Do not tell him you are doing any of this and gather as much financial info as you can (his pension/ salary etc) if you have access to it. Take half of anything in the joint account. I reiterate, do not tell him you are doing any of this. Be kind to yourself. He’s had a lot of time to mentally adjust and you haven’t. None of it is your fault.

You're not foolish, he is. And she is. Its possible she'll get tired of having him around all the time now the sneaking around is over, and he'll come crawling back to you and I hope you make him feel feel as foolish as he is.

You are a normal woman who had been horribly deceived. I'm so sorry, for your little boy too. It's one thing to cheat on a partner but to cheat on your whole family is particularly shameful.

The shame is ALL his. I’m so sorry, he has been so cruel.

This exact situation happened to a friend of mine. She told her family straight away, then all their friends.

Don’t consider hiding it, Open the secret up to the air, and you can be best supported by people around you.

Massive hugs.
I promise you, there are good guys out there x

I’m wondering why he’s told you? As men tend not to, as in this type of man who can lead a very distinct double life.
That is a very calculating type of man. He had been aware you had absolutely no idea, that you’ve trusted him and then he has carried on regardless.
I have a feeling the OW has given him an ultimatum, and he’s been forced to tell you.
And yes he’s moved on but here’s the thing - part of the thrill for this type of horror story is the secrecy.
When any person does this, all they do is take all the issues they already have into the new situation. They learn nothing.
At some point she will have to deal with him being an ordinary man with a young child. Not quite so much fun, I am afraid. And she will be aware every time he goes for drinks it could be more than that.
When this happened to a good friend of mine, she was absolutely heartbroken with a new baby and he was an absolutely prince.
We are two decades on now. She eventually got over it, it did take a while, but she discovered so much about herself and became a pretty fearsome woman. She also got married again and her DH is an absolute gentleman.
Her ex? Well he eventually married the OW and recently he got caught cheating on her and is now in his mum’s spare room. He’s 59 and she’s 90 so what a happy ending that was for him.
There’s a special place in hell reserved for this type of OW, too.

Let me be very blunt. Why has he told you now? Is she pregnant?

You need to get your ducks in a row and sorted ASAP because if she is pregnant, you and DS are about to get screwed over.

I know that is the last thing you want to hear right now. But they don’t just declare that they are having an affair without reason. And it’s usually an ultimatum from the OW or pregnancy. Or both.

The best piece of advice would be to put your emotions to one side for now and focus on securing the financial future for you and your ds.

You have a very small window of time in which The Cheating Bastard will be feeling guilty. It doesn’t last long. This is where you can focus any conversations on the financials for your ds.

None of this 50:50 bullshit so that he doesn’t have to pay Child Maintenance. Think about what you want for you and your ds and work from there.

There’s a line in a rod Stewart song that he repeats over and over again “is that the thanks I get for loving you”. You’ve done nothing wrong and look how you were treated. Outrageous.

I just wanted to say I’m so sorry. Please, please make having a STI test a priority. He’s fucked your present happiness please don’t let him fuck your future happiness.

My friend’s husband had an affair. She also went through this ‘how could I have been so stupid?’ phase. She kept remembering things that’d happened that she’d accepted or brushed off, because she had no reason to suspect anything.

What came next was fury. The ‘how fucking dare he?’ stage.

Get angry, start sorting out the next stage with legal advice and don’t let him take advantage of you.

How were you meant to know? You were perfectly reasonable is being ok with him remaining friends with her. You trusted him as you didn't think you shouldn't. OW is now with someone she got through cheating. She'll always be wondering when he'll cheat again. Because he most likely will as his ego will need topping up. He's low but she's the lowest of the low. The shine will soon wear off esp when he realises that he'll not have the daily everyday contact with your dc.
Take care of yourself. Better to know now than years and years later. Being young, you'll cope fine. You're hurting now but trust me, you'll emerge from this stronger than you ever knew. 💐

No you are not to blame at all here. He set out to deceive. So out that out of your mind and start to get your ducks in a row.
Get legal advice ASAP. Get all paperwork together, bank statements, proof of his earnings etc etc.. Please remember how devious he has already been so you need to assume he will continue and hide assets, claim he earns peanuts etc. This man is an accomplished liar - he has shown who he is so believe him. Do you work? Did you reduce hours after your baby? All this needs taking into account. Remain civil with in laws but tell them nothing of importance "oh my solicitor handles that". Good luck x

It's so easy for everyone to say you're not foolish for not noticing. And you're not. But I do get it. Where were the signs? The lipstick marks, the phone use, the pulling away? All the common signs? But the fact was he was calculated and cruel. And to not see it coming makes it feel worse. You have to find a way to get past these feelings, I was so stuck on feeling stupid that the angry part didn't come until so much later and by then, because I wasn't angry just stunned, I lost so much. Practical things in the divorce as well as time spent on blaming myself. I blamed myself for being foolish instead of blaming him for what he'd done. Ultimately its time to get cross. Be strong. You couldn't have done anything to stop this but now you can take absolute control over what happens next. How you live your life moving forward. Big hugs.

Lots of voters, like me, have probably tripped up on the poll. None of this is your fault and you are definitely not stupid.