AIBU to feel foolish for not noticing my husband's affair?

You are the prize that he has lost. You deserve someone that treats you well. He has lost access to you, he is the foolish one. You can easily do better.

Maybe I'm cynical but I see a man who has female friends as a red flag rather than a caring, feminist 'new' man.

I'm not saying he can't have acquaintances and he'd have to be respectful to women and not a misogynist but friend, nah F* that.

I wouldn't be controlling him as I wouldn't get involved in a relationship with him in the first place to control him.

This is not to denigrate OP, we can all make mistakes.

As you say it was a shock to find out . I assume you were continuing to be intimate with him ?
Sad to say you need to get yourself tested , also due to him showing you the person he is , don't assume she has been the only one .

You’re being unreasonable for blaming yourself for not noticing. You trusted him . You aren’t to blame. Hugs x

You’re in a state of shock and have been royally betrayed. It’s natural to question everything but you’ve done nothing wrong.

Those posts exist also, but so do these ones - although they may be cool wife-ing.

I disagree..I’ve seen posts where women are told to trust their gut and most seem to say, it’s an emotional affair at the very least

unreasonable to feel stupid, edited to change to foolish. sorry

We are supposed to be able to trust our partner, especially so early in the marriage. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and you will grieve for quite some time, but the fact you didn’t notice is because you’re a good person. He used agreed times to do sneaky things. The two faced cheek of both of them.
Once a cheat etc…to marry the mistress creates a vacancy. I hope she gets hers, …the snake

OP, If you have ever read posts on here where someone suspects their DH's friendship with a woman he has known for a long time, you will notice a barrage of posters accusing the OP of being a jealous controlling hag and that they and their husbands all have friends of the opposite sex, and that the OP is the problem.

YANBU.

I'm sorry, OP, this is all on him. What an utter sewer rat. The only good thing in all this is that six years is a relatively short chunk of your life to have wasted with this sleazeball, but it's still six years too long. Hold your head up and I wish you all the best with your new life free of this cheating scumbag. 💐

What prompted him to suddenly confess after almost a year? Prick.

OP they sound like a pair of absolute narcissists. Hold your head up high, you haven't done anything wrong. Build a great life for you and you child.

Or him when she cheats on him. They sound like a right pair.

Chances are the daily life and dirty socks will take the shine off this grubby little set up, plus having to pay for his child and having his child contact and she will kick him out now the affair isn't so exciting and secret.
Please do not take him back, you are not foolish, you are the wronged party. He wanted to sniff around someone else like a dirty mongrel he's the foolish one.

Ignore the voting OP as obviously everyone is on your side.

FWIW my best friend is a man and we are very close, maybe even closer than your DH is to this woman but never have we crossed that line.

You were absolutely not to know.
You should never feel ashamed for trusting someone.

Remove any thoughts of shame, guilt, embarrassment etc as these are all things he should be feeling, not you.

Ask him to leave and give yourself time to process things.
I am so sorry 💐

He set out to deceive you so don’t feel ashamed of being deceived. That’s on him, not you.
My advice is to find your anger. As others have said, there’s a reason he’s telling you now. Look after yourself and your son.

Feeling foolish is sister to blaming yourself. Too many women feel that they must have somehow 'driven' their partner to behave this way. He wasn't driven to it, he took himself past the 'tempted' sign and right into this woman's orbit.

You are well rid of both of them. Her bare-faced cheek at sitting drinking with you while quietly smirking about what she and your husband were up to is awful.

I wish you a more tranquil future.

Please don't feel foolish - you trusted him. This is what we are supposed to do with our partners. He is the one who has betrayed that trust in one of the most hideous ways and am so very sorry. None of this is your fault, please don't think of blaming yourself for one second.

I also wonder why he's telling you now.

OP, don't waste your time feeling foolish.

His deception was calculated and there's no fault in someone being trusting.

But you need to get organised now, get a solicitor, start gathering financial info and sort out money while he's still feeling guilty. The guilt won't last long.

You are not foolish at all. You trusted your DH and his best friend. That's completely on them. They should be disgusted with themselves and how they treated you. Although him going to stay at her house says a lot.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve more.

You trusted and he broke that, don’t feel foolish he is the fool. Dust yourself off, get rid of him and have a happy life.

The issue is in a marriage we as women trust the men we are married to. Unless something feels odd we do not look for signs or question where DHs have been. You did nothing wrong OP. Focus on the practical. Get good legal advice, make sure you understand where all the finances are. Google Form E (used for Divorce disclosure) and work through the headings so you know where DH has his pensions, investments, savings and all relevant assets. At some stage the new relationship may fail (fairly shortly when affair partner realises he has baggage and will face a messy divorce). Think carefully about taking him back. Once a cheater always a cheater IME.

You have absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed! The shame is on the pair of those cheating scum, especially your husband. I’m sorry you are going through this x

You should be able to trust your husband and you should be able to see the best in him, the fact that he decided to behave in conniving, manipulative and deceitful ways are his flaws not your failings. He and she are absolute assholes.

Your ex DH and his “friend” are awful people! Don’t feel foolish for trusting your ex you should have been able to trust him. I hope you have a good solicitor so you can get all your ducks in a row so that things are smooth for you and your child so you can start to recover from this relationship and not end up bitter. Navigating coparenting with someone that has abused your trust so badly will be hard so make sure you have support. I am so sorry for you, but your ex definitely didn’t deserve you and you will be much happier without them once you have time to recover. Your ex and his friend are selfish people and you don’t want that in your life.