Should I tell DH what to get me for my birthday?

I am female but really struggle to buy "thoughtful" presents. Being told to do that would be one of my worst nightmares. The more thought I give it, the more bizzare my thought processes get!!

I like some clue.

Has he asked you all of that or has he just asked what you want? Has he said: what do you want, where do I get it from it, how do I order it and how do I get it delivered? And according to your hyperbole… and where do I get wrapping paper and how do I wrap it?

No he hasn’t. Unless you have married a literal incompetent?

Ask for nothing then if you’re going to be this silly and dramatic and martyrise.

He asked what you wanted for your birthday. You’ve just going off on one about how crap he is.

I’d tell him what I’d like, and also tell him to order it himself!

Buy diamonds 😉

I think giving a list of ideas (with links if something too generic would be a disaster), but asking you to source and buy it is taking the piss.

Eg I could ask for something for the garden and clip some images of arbours/furniture. Or images of jewellery.

I had this out with my DH about 5 years into our relationship that having no clue and putting in no effort told me I couldn’t be bothered to take an interest in me and that was very hurtful.

25 years on it’s more difficult for both of us but we can usually find something that shows thought.

Are you easy to buy for? Do you have a favour brand of perfume or skin care? Do you have a collection of designer bags? Is it easy to look around your bedroom and see what is low/what you’d like? If you’re not easy to buy for, I think YABU.

I’m not easy to buy for. I know I’m not and even things I’ve liked previously I don’t necessarily want again. So I ask for what I want and I send links because if I said ‘brown leather boots’ I can guarantee he’d pick a pair I thought were hideous! He wouldn’t think they were hideous though which is the problem.

He can fucking order it though! You’ve said you want a surprise but also a thoughtful, lovely gift. You’re setting him up to fail. You’re (rightly) pissed off that you’ve done all the admin for your own birthday (because he is capable of arranging a family get together and a meal even if he has to ask you which restaurant you fancy, because that can change) and think he should redeem himself with a gift. But all you’re doing is setting him to fail and you to not get what you what actually want for your birthday. Everyone is going to be pissed off and you’ll have ruined your birthday. Give him 3 or 4 different options of what you’d genuinely like. It’s still a surprise. He orders it and wraps it. You tell him you feel under appreciated for your birthday doing all the admin yourself so you’d like a bit of a fuss made, maybe some decorations, or breakfast in bed or a cake made for you. If he can’t manage that - he’s a waste of space.

Kindly, I think you are being unreasonable. You could give him a few options and you might get something you actually want. You can leave him to figure it out for himself and you may or may not be disappointed. Realistically, its not a huge effort to say what you'd like. The birthday life admin argument is bull. This is about your relationship and the imbalance of physical, emotional and mental effort you both put in. You need to address that imbalance and the resentment it is causing but better to do it with a nice birthday gift than a shit one.

It's much easier to tell someone what you would like and send them a link to it. Then you get the thing you want.

Telling him 'surprise me' or 'something thoughtful' is a bloody recipe for disaster. Unless he's Dynamo, Psychic Magician then you are likely to get a present you don't want, or something that you never thought of in a million years.

My youngest son tends to buy me flowers, candles, Prosecco (on the belief that this is what women like). I don't like candles and I don't really drink. My eldest son once bought me a flying lesson - despite the fact that I am claustrophobic and hate the idea of small planes. When asked why he vaguely said 'he thought it was different'.

I'm not suggesting all men are like this - but I think challenging anyone of either sex to 'guess what I'm thinking of' is a sure fire way to disappointment and making both parties feel cross with each other.

I don't see why you can't give him some suggestions and then say to surprise you with something off the list.
I agree with others that what you want as a thoughtful considerate present isn't what he would necessarily pick.
What if he got you a joke/novelty type gift and then said it reminded him of you and gave an example of a time where you weren't at your best or It portrayed a negative character flaw? It would be thoughtful as it would be personal but unlikely you would appreciate it.

What you want is for him to know and notice you and buy a gift that is perfect - a surprise that you’d like.

but by the sounds of it he just isn’t that kind of bloke.

if you said I’d like a silver necklace - he’s probably take you literally and buy one for £20 from Argos - when you heart is in a beautiful bespoke piece from an independent jewellers.

some people are good at presents - some are not. I am very fortunate that my husband notices things I like and gets really thoughtful gifts for me.

but if there was something very specific - I would ask him for it - I love drawing with oil pastels - but he wouldn’t know the difference between some kids ones from the works and artist quality ones I use. So if I wanted them and wanted to not be disappointed - I would tell him - please get me this brand from this shop. He would be delighted to get me what I wanted.

it’s really hard when you want him to ‘get it’ and to know what to buy you - but I think if you say get me a surprise - you are very likely to be very disappointed as he sounds like he won’t have a clue.

Just tell him what you’d like - it’s hardly ‘life admin’ to say I want this from this shop.’

or say nothing - ask for a surprise but be realistic and expect to be disappointed as present buying obviously is not his thing.

So you've told your friends you are happy with vouchers (rather than also asking for surprises), and you would be happy with vouchers from your DH ... but you don't want to tell him that because it's too much "life admin"?

This sounds like you are giving him a stressful test to make him prove something.

Every once in a while my husband just wows my socks off with a surprise gift. I don’t expect him to pull that off for every gift, multiple times a year, year after year, decade after decade. It’s just not reasonable when we are lucky enough to afford to buy things for ourselves when we want them.

so yes, I will happily give him suggestions. I aim for things I feel a bit guilty buying for myself. I trust that he will surprise me often enough.

Wants him to sort it for you or actually wants you to buy you what you want? Poor man! How dreadful of him to ask what you want? Sheesh. Can’t do right for doing wrong.

Unless he’s a mind reader it’s really daft to leave it to chance. He asked you. You declined to define what it was. If you get something that is not to your liking then who is it blame… it’s the person who asked and had a fairytale notion of him magically knowing what fits the bill. Don’t set people up to fail, it’s crap.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to order it yourself etc but honestly? If you don’t give him some clues you won’t get something you’re happy with in my experience.
my ex husband asked for a list every birthday and Christmas for him to choose from. I hated doing it but if I didn’t I got stuff that really wasn’t my thing

I always tell my DH what I want. I don’t need to make him jump through hoops and pass tests to know he cares.

If you read posts on MN, men are capable of giving a lot of thought and consideration and still getting it wrong. I think you should give him some ideas.

However well he knows you, he is not a mindreader, and you are setting him up for failure and yourself for disappointment.

Sure - but that means you have to accept that you might not like his choice of present. He will undoubtedly put thought into it, but it might just not be thought in the same direction you wanted. If you're happy with that, then fine.

IME it's very hard to come up with a genuinely thoughtful surprise that the recipient will love (as opposed to saying they love it).

I am female and terrible at gift buying. I procrastinate and then panic buy. I've never been able to do thoughtful. Not everyone has the capabilities of gift buying, unless it's a person who is easy to buy for. It's worse when the budget is bigger. If you don't give a list of options, don't complain, unless it's something like supermarket chocolate etc. Give him a few ideas.

Can you afford all the little/medium treats you want? We can’t so I always have a list and I love for my DH to get me something from that plus an affordable surprise. Sometimes the surprise just doesn’t hit right and I’d hate for there to be lots of wasted money

I think YABU. Ask him the budget then think of something you want in the budget. My birthday is next week and I’ve asked my husband ages ago for a massage (which I know he has booked at a fancy spa). It’s not a surprise but I will get exactly what I want :)

You've set him up to fail. Unless he is particularly observant and knows your tastes style and sizes he's not going to get the perfect gift. Give the guy a break. Compile a list of stuff you fancy and tell him to pick a couple. You know it makes sense. 😏

Tell him exactly what you want. He buys and wraps it. Job done