Should I tell DH what to get me for my birthday?

Bring him to the jewellers/shoe shop/clothes shop. Choose something lovely. He buys it. Shop wraps it. He gives it to you on your birthday. Everyone is happy.

I was going to vote YABU until I realised that he wants you to order it too

I think asking for suggestions is fine- asking you to organise your own gift is not. YANBU

I thought that the question was whether you should tell him what you’d like, I didn’t realise that buying your own gift was part of this too.

no - that’s unacceptably lazy and I would just give him the list/send him links and tell him that part of the reason it’s a gift is because someone has gone through the process of sourcing it for you.

My husband and I have one bank account so rubbish gifts are double the fail. We just buy ourselves presents if we want something. And we take the kids shopping to pick out stuff for each other - their gifts are usually hilarious but we don’t give them much money so that’s fine. No reason to spend our shared money on something for one of us we might not want.

She has asked for vouchers. Literally the lowest effort thing you could ask for. He wants even less effort, but also for it to look like he’s amazing, so he’s told her she has to choose something from the shop not get vouchers. She has to order it and he will say he gave it to her. Zero effort husband, he’s pathetic.

I was going to say you will get something shit. But having read the full thread I think I’d tell him and then message to him so he cannot deny it ‘I have told you what I would like for my birthday. I did ask for vouchers from x. I haven’t time to choose what I want from there before Saturday but I want to go shopping there. If you don’t like that plan your gift had better be amazing, as if it’s thoughtless and I don’t like it, I will get my own gift, from the shop I wanted it from, and tell people I just got my own present as you said no. Also I would like you to do x as prep for the party. If you have literally put no thought or effort or time into my birthday and it’s 100% planned and organised by me including my present that you want to say is from you then I don’t think you should come to my party. A husband who puts zero effort in doesn’t get any husband invite or recognition, I’ll just explain to my friends why I asked you not to come.’

Me too. Terrible gift buyer here...find it really stressful.

No, I wouldn’t tell him what I want. My OH is not good at presents but he’s genuinely wonderful in basically every other way. I navigate this by telling him where I want to go (ie a nice restaurant) for my birthday but we don’t do presents. Or I suggest something for the house which is a bit of a splurge and we go and get it together. Obviously I’ve still told him what I want but I can’t bear to open a gift I’ve chosen for myself, it’s just ridiculous. So instead I tell him where I want to go and he books it. I’ve got too much stuff anyway.

Just to add - we have shared finances so if I have to choose it myself I’d genuinely prefer just to buy it for myself rather than pretend it’s a gift.

I think you should tell him what you want or ask for a voucher from your favourite shop. I hate waste and disappointment so I always send my partner links to things I would like, he also knows what flowers, chocolates I like so it usually works out well. He does get me a nice Moonpig card with photos of us and the kids. That might be an idea, a card or photo book, something he has to put a bit of thought into and that you can keep.

I TOTALLY get it - I really really do, but instead of using his eyes/observation skills to see either my favourite perfume is running low, or that my mini greenhouse did not survive one of the winter storms and I could do with a replacement for either, for my recent birthday I got an (albeit lovely and undoubtedly expensive) blanket and candle.
To get anything near what I would like for Xmas/Birthday I've learnt I need to send him an Amazon link.

So do I, but I got fingers burned once in the first year of our marriage, with a terrible present. Which I returned, and made it clear that I’d done so.
I’m lucky to have a summer birthday, and Christmas is obvs in winter, so what I do is, throughout the year, when I see something I would like, such as a book or a picture or a perfume, I send a link to my husband. By the time it gets to my birthday, he’s got about six links maybe and it’s the same at Christmas, and he usually chooses two or three of those things, which by that time I’ve completely forgotten about and he adds a couple of bits from a local record shop or something. Because I show him the things that I really want, it’s given him a good idea of what I love and now he chooses me thoughtful things that often cost little to nothing from secondhand shops (like a lovely old book or final record for example). I was annoyed when I first found I had to suggest presents to him, but it has worked out really well over the past couple of decades. (We have joint finances, and I earn twice as much as him, so I’m not that keen on him spending a fortune on me from our joint account 🤣)

Yes, absolutely.
Why the hell not? 😳

I do with DH, but he isn't very good at gift buying. He knows what little things I like, but if I wanted a specific main gift he would struggle. Also, if I wanted something specific I would want to choose it myself anyway.

To be fair, he isn't very observant and he has cognitive and memory issues.

He is completely taking the piss asking you to order it and get it delivered. I would give him some ideas, but that is as far as it would go, he needs to make a bit of an effort, especially for a big birthday.

It's Mumsnet though, so you're not allowed to celebrate your birthday and expect to be treated when you are an adult...

I just buy what I want and then tell my husband he owes me £300. He would buy me such crap if I left it up to him.

I know exactly this frustration OP. Love a surprise. It doesn’t feel much to ask given you’ve done everything else. However - as others have said - perhaps you can’t get away with zero pointers. I usually direct to a jewellery brand or two that I really like, where there’s a specific style and almost no choice is bad (Alex Monroe for example) and suggest that my sister, or children, might be able to help choose from a shortlist…then there’s an element of surprise and safety!

Yes, but surely you'd know what your husband had? And maybe picked up what he liked in the years you'd been loving him and living with him?

Be careful what you wish for.

I got a Scalextric set for my 40th because that’s what DH thought I’d like.

Not everyone has the capabilities of gift buying, unless it's a person who is easy to buy for.

I agree with this. I really only know a handful of people that I could buy a "thoughtful" gift for because I don't know what other people already have.

I think it isn't very nice to deliberately set someone up to fail.

Buy what you want and he pays you or send him the exact links and.size. So much nicer to get what you want and not a pile of crap! Also it makes your whole birthday better!

Yes I am. Of ingratitude. You’d honestly rather not have anything? Well don’t then.

I usually keep a list on my phone of things I spot but don’t want to buy for myself or want to wait to purchase. Makes for a very handy present list without the mental load, as I just add things on as and when I see things I like.

If anything it makes my life easier as I then give it to DP who circulates it around family and ask them to report to him what they’re buying to ensure no duplicates. Means I always get things I’ve been really after without me having to do the work!

sometimes I will just say “a nice bracelet” etc if I know they’ll pick something I’d love from that prompt, other times i’ll say “this exact thing” with a link. I usually have to caveat that my mother doesn’t get any items which have an element of choice in as she usually picks what she likes 🤣