Should I tell DH what to get me for my birthday?

I'm so glad I'm not in a relationship where there's this absolute charade around gifts and where the perceived thought and effort that's gone into a present is some sort of litmus test for how much we love each other.

I don't think it's actually possible to get an A+ gift for the same adult, twice a year, every year for decades. I think DH and I have probably got each other the "perfect gift" maybe 2-3 times each in 14 years. And the gifts that went down best were not the ones I spent time researching and planned in advance (ultimately overthought), nor the most expensive ones - they were actually the most off-the-cuff, weird ones (a cushion shaped like a sandwich) that made him laugh in the moment and that he still uses after a decade.

All this is exacerbated by the fact that, as adults with our own incomes, both of us just buy what we want. If I can't afford something then neither can he, as we have similar incomes. This is especially the case if it's related to any of my proper interests - I'm on top of every new product, event and consumer item imaginable already. And anything wearable is out, because I need to try things on first.

So the ideal gift is in that sweet spot of something that I really need or would really like, but I don't know it yet. There's not much there.

Which is why we agreed not to do "big" gifts and instead just take each other out to fancy restaurants for birthdays - that's something that will never get old.

(If I asked someone what they wanted for their birthday and they said "something thoughtful" in that accusatory, pass-agg, setting me up to fail manner of the OP, I would be so bloody annoyed with them.)

Firstly I'm going to point out the obvious in saying that nobody is under obligation to have big celebratory birthday parties.
In effect you have made work for yourself here unnecessarily.
It is perfectly socially acceptable to not do so.

Now you're complaining about him not knowing what to get, when it really doesn't matter.

Most controversially though, while I very strongly believe that a man should be able to provide his wife with a comfortable life, the truth is that if you're really into somebody, you don't care what they get you.
My all time best present was a bag of limes that my then boyfriend got me from a holiday.
This is not something I'd say in real life, only anonymously.

I think you know deep down OP that all this fussing and planning is to compensate for the fact that you don't particularly respect and fancy your dh anymore.
Just have a think about what I say here because in all honesty, if you did you wouldn't care what he got.

You just see him as a little boy you have to manage.
There's no judgement when I say this, BTW.

YABU giving no guidance, YANBU expecting him to do the admin around procurement of the gift - that’s just lazy on his part!

Right, but what you do is not relevant here, as the OP doesn’t want to do this…

I couldn't decide how to vote - on one hand I totally get how you're feeling. Are you BU to want him to put some thought and effort into spoiling you for your big birthday? Of course not!
BUT Are you BU to expect this particular man to succeed at this particular task in the remaining time left? Of course you are! There's a 100% chance you'll end up disappointed and angry at him if you carry on.
If I were you I'd ask him to plan, pay for and carry out an experience like a really fancy dinner where he organises the babysitter, books the restaurant, gets dressed up, orders the taxi and then takes you to a couples' massage afterwards. I'd also be reading him the riot act about how he better not try to weasel out of it and make it your job. I hope you have a fabulous birthday.

I hear you. It's my birthday tomorrow and I am fed up of the emotional labour and just want something that has thought put into it, and isn't a last minute 'I suppose I should go out and get you a gift'.

DH is a crap present buyer, always has been- I don't care what he gets, just that it has been thoughtful. He isn't like this the rest of the year- just makes me sad that he can't be bothered when I know he would be disappointed if I took the same approach.

We use a app called family gift and throughout the year we all add things we'd love. It takes all the stress out and admin. My dh is fully capable of sourcing whatever it is himself and will do add on surprises but it takes the anxiety out of getting the main present wrong. Still leaves a element of surprise because I don't know which item I'll be getting.
Left to his own devices he thinks it needs to be some ground breaking romantic gesture he puts so much pressure on himself talks himself out of lovely gifts because they are not enough so he panic buys 🙈 I know he cares by how he is all year round but I don't want him to be stressed.

Is it your first day on earth? A big birthday is 30, 40, 50, etc.

and come on, women are allowed to celebrate themselves and their own birthdays! Nothing wrong with that.

Christ, the bar for some men is so fucking low, a snake could limbo underneath it.

YANBU to expect your husband to know you well enough to pick out a thoughtful gift for you that you will like.

And all the posters saying YABU need to have a good hard look at themselves.

Out of interest, what do you do for his birthdays? Do you do all the organising there? Buy gifts? Or does he give you a list of what he’d like?

Could you look at making things a little fairer? Or leaving him?!

Vouchers are not thoughtful.

You know exactly what you're doing.

Did you even read the OP?

I’m not against dropping a subtle hint here or there if necessary, but what is the actual point of ‘He’s asked me to pick and order what I want and he’ll wrap it.’

Where’s the thoughtfulness here? My husband makes huge efforts to think of gifts I’ll love which he can surprise me with. Being expected to order your own gifts because your partner doesn’t care enough to bother would be the death knell.

What do you mean by a big birthday? Every year you are blessed to still be here. You sound like you love to be the centre of attention.

No you shouldn’t. That’s rude. Be grateful for what you receive. I personally don’t like stuff for birthdays, rather have an adventure, experience.

I always tell my husband exactly what I want, but I leave the specifics to him. So - I wanted a gold ring with a smallish coloured stone. Something very simple. He got me something I did NOT have in mind but it fits the brief perfectly and I love it! I'm actually wearing it as my engagement ring at the moment as my finger is currently too fat for my actual engagement ring. I have told him so often that I love it that I am secretly hoping he will get me another one in a different colour for my next birthday, so that I can stack them. (And the birthday after that!)

He stresses so much about getting the perfect gift that without the guidance he wouldn't get anything until the last minute, and then he would throw money at it (which he doesn't really have) and it would be horrible. Then he would know that it wasn't what I like and he would be upset. So a triple whammy, he would be broke, I wouldn't like it, he would be upset. For me, it's a no-brainer to give him a really good idea of what I would like.

We used the Giftster app at Christmas within the family and it worked really well, everyone could put a range of things from a couple of quid to more substantial items. You can see when a gift has been purchased on someone else’s list to avoid duplications but not your own so there is an element of surprise.

My DH bought me a beautiful bracelet for a significant birthday this year when we were on holiday before Christmas. I chose it but it has been hidden since then and he will wrap it for me. Can’t wait to be able to wear it! 😆

What is he normally like for your birthday and Christmas? Does he usually buy you something and wrap it up? I think part of the fact you may have drawn the line here is because it is a big birthday and you have lots of stuff to do for entertaining. Why not ask for his help with that? I get why you are frustrated but it honestly sounds like you maybe do most of the life admin and haven’t sourced any of it to him so he has got used to a free ride. That would bother me more. My husband is great at presents usually because he only has to think about me whereas I do everyone else. Even then though I usually have a wish list I share with him.

Most men do need a push so I would start to offload some of your life admin for everything not just the birthday party etc and send him a link to what you would like whether it is vouchers or whatever.

I'm surprised by the responses.

DH and I manage to choose a birthday present for each other every year without a list or being told exactly what to get.

It would be hard to choose a thoughtful present for a stranger but, as we are married and live together, we know each other quite well!

Over the years, it has increasingly become more often an evening out of some description - theatre, gig, etc - as we have the material things we want.

I don't see the point of telling someone exactly what to buy, might as well just buy it for yourself. The whole point is being surprised.

I agree with this. If I wanted something specific I would also want to get it myself. DH knows that I love florentines, jelly babies, shortbread, gin and sherry, so he would buy things like that as a surprise.

But some people either aren't open about what they want, or prefer to choose it themselves when they need it or see it at a good price.

You can be the most observant person in the world, but you won't know what someone wants/needs if they've not given any indication of those things that they haven't yet bought.

DP knows I like swimming, hiking, books, food and travel but the things I want to related to those things either need to be tried on, need to have the right features or for books, be ones I haven't read, but in reality, I only read on Kindle and only buy them when they're 99p because I've got loads of unread books, so a book in another form is an annoyance not a nice gift. I've already got dozens of cookbooks and 'coffee table books' that I rarely look at and are thinking of culling, so another one of those wouldn't be welcome.

But if I want, for example, some new hiking boots, it's a lot easier for me to just buy them when I need them and the place I buy them from is having a sale rather than me send him a link so we can go through a charade of him getting them for my birthday and them costing £50 more because the sale has finished.

But he does remember that I like florentines, so I'm perfectly happy if he buys me a box of those, especially from M&S because they come in the nicest box.

Or of laziness or couldn't be bothered either. Some people just aren't observant about other people and are genuinely flummoxed when it comes to gift buying.

Tell the poor man what you want. Some people just aren't good at gift choosing and it's not a measure of his love for you.

Edit to say I didn't see that he also wanted you to order it! That bit YANBU on.

If you have to tell him what to buy, it's not a gift, it's just something else on your to do list/mental load for you to deal with, like you say. Plus if you go this way, in his mind, he got you a lovely gift for your birthday, when it's nothing of the sort.

But obviously, if it's anything you have to use, wear or look at, you probably do want to choose it yourself or else you'll likely have to put up with something that's not right. So I don't see the point of giving these sorts of things as gifts.

Which leaves asking him to get something small and thoughtful, that shows that he knows you and what you like. Gifts don't have to be expensive to be worthwhile and it's often a lot better if they're not, because then you don't have the worry of the money being wasted.

Ask for the vouchers to add to your stash and also make sure you take the time to make a day of the experience, with a nice lunch and either someone to go with or if you prefer, time to do it alone so you have time to browse in peace without having to think about anyone else's needs. Remember it's your birthday so you get to choose, don't have him say 'that's not a proper gift'. He can also get you a token consumable, whatever you like chocolates, cheese, coffee, tea, gin, whatever.

Yes!!!!

@ToddlerMumma fine to do it your way, but you’ll have to happily accept whatever he feels is ‘thoughtful’. It’s definitely a gamble! I’d much rather have something I want and know that no money has been wasted on tat.