AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

You’ve convinced yourself that you’re this wonderful, selfless person and everyone else is vile and cruel. The irony is that you’re the one who’s coming across as absolutely awful (and slightly more unhinged with each post, frankly).

No I don't see why your sister shouod do this if she doesn't want to. You take responsibility rather than foisting on to somebody else.

I'm sorry you had the care experience. However, the needs of those who live in the household already - the children, the foster mother/father - all are just as important as the needs of the niece. It's okay to say no if you can't do it. I know I am far too stretched at the moment to even consider that sort of thing and I don't have the space.

This.

There are so many threads at the moment about the unfair expectation of the women in the family to assume child care responsibilities for someone else's children.

And here we have a thread of women calling this woman selfish for not wanting to accept full time responsibility and care of what is going to be a very troubled (because she will be no matter how lovely or nice she also is) teenager.

It's a shit situation but it is not a moral failing of this woman that she doesn't want to upend her own life because someone else had children they are unable to care for!

It's hard enough raising and supporting children/teenagers when they are your own very much loved and wanted children. No one should be forced or guilted into having children they do not want and did not choose.

At one time I wouldn't have hesitated to take on a niece or nephew if necessary. When I was in the thick of raising my own family, what's one more? Gladly would have added another.

Exactly. My children are adults now and have flown the nest. My niece is still 13. I'd also gladly have taken her if necessary when they were all younger and my whole life was around raising children. She'd also have been an established member of the household by the time my children moved out and part of the package. But she is nearly 14 and my life is that of an 'empty nester'. I would feel far less inclined to take on the responsibility now.

As a child who was in care if you can do anything to stop that from happening do it.
The impact it will have on your niece will be awful, your sister seems very blinded to the care system.

Although unfortunately you can not make her, I would talk to the social worker of your niece and see if there is support for you to accommodate her as it will cost them £1000s to home her then keep her within the family.

agree, but youll have people shouting that’s against their human rights and next time may be better…

It is a shame people like your sister and the father of your niece couldn't be forcibly sterilised once they'd proven they were unfit to care for children once.

It is a cruelty to keep letting them do this to children, who have a right to a safe and stable family.

So you want her to do it, but won’t?

Who else does your sister live with?

Surely they get a say as a well?

I do have kids, I had a large family. I've done foster caring for non-related children. At one time I wouldn't have hesitated to take on a niece or nephew if necessary. When I was in the thick of raising my own family, what's one more? Gladly would have added another. I have specialised qualifications that would make me a great choice. However, I would have to acknowledge that at this time of my life, it is not something I can take on right now. It wouldn't be in my best interests, it wouldn't be in the interests of my family still at home, it wouldn't be in my husband's best interests. For the reasons that is the case, it wouldn't necessarily be in the niblings best interests either. I would have to say no if asked and if anyone called me selfish, they are welcome to walk a mile in my shoes as they are at present. Sometimes, you just have to say no and that's okay.

I think you're angry at the wrong person. While it wouldn't be my choice to see a child I know go into care rather than live with me, I can understand why someone else might make that choice, and it's thoughtless to assume it's an easy, glib choice because they're selfish or can't be arsed. Maybe your sister sees how difficult your little one is and how hard your life is and doesn't think she'd be able to do it. Maybe she thinks it would do more harm than good for yout niece to live with someone who doesn't want her. Maybe she's angry at the child's mother/father for not being there for their children and doesn't see why she should step in to pick up the pieces. A child is a lifelong committment. And if you know it's not for you, it is sensible to try to find a better home for the child.

I'm so sorry to hear of this situation and really sad for the child, who has done nothing wrong.
But you can't force someone to permanently take a child which isn't theirs, even if they are family related.
I certainly wouldn't do it. Your sister has been upfront about what she can offer and what she can't, she has a right to live her own life and shouldn't be forced (or guilted) into having someone else's teenager if she doesn't feel she can do it.

How desperately sad.
Poor, poor kid.
I’ll know it’s going to be a huge ask but in your position I would take her myself. I couldn’t not.

I could well see me being the sister OP is angry at in this scenario. I have no kids mainly because I knew I didn't have the temperament or patience for it, I need a lot of peace and quiet and order to maintain my mental equilibrium and those things obviously don't sit well with being a parent!

For the record, I'm not a child hater, I enjoy seeing my friends' children and am kind to children in public places etc.

I have a teenage niece I haven't seen since she was about 4 (my family is quite fragmented and dysfunctional and we all live hundreds of miles from each other), and a 5 year old nephew I've never met. Other than DNA, I have zero connection to either of them, and I don't love them because I don't know them. It would be like asking me to take on some random child off the street.

Because of the ages and home setups of other people in the family, I'm pretty sure I'd be seen as the 'best' option, particularly for the 5 year old (who is ND with challenging behaviour). Whilst practically I might look like the best solution (no other kids, space, money etc), emotionally I'd probably be the worst and I can't foresee any other outcome than me hating every minute of it, potentially losing my (full on, demanding) career and my marriage in the process. I wouldn't be willing to do that for a child I barely know. If that makes me a monster so be it. I would be happy to advocate and support, and do sleepovers etc, but not to have them live with me.

I'd be interested to know what kind of relationship the sister that OP is criticising had with the 14 yo prior to her going to live with her. I suspect if I had a close loving regular relationship with my niblings (or even knew them!) I might feel differently about it, it's difficult to say.

Your sister is entitled to live her life the way she chooses. I would wonder why your niece can’t stay with you when your sister is on holiday etc. I would be doing everything possible to prevent her going into care. As you probably know she is unlikely to stay with one family she is likely to be moved around to multiple foster carers with school changes and even children’s homes if foster carers are not available. Yes your sister is coming across selfish and I think you are angry with her but your other sister is an even bigger issue. However it seems to be you picking up the pieces.

If that’s the case, why would OP have taken her in when she isn’t a blood relative?

This!!

i think mum walked out on the 14 year old, 10 years ago, and dad carried on procreating. 6 year old is 14 year old's half sister, at a guess.

Re house extensions; there's meant to be the support but the reality is that councils haven't had that sort of cash for years. Not to mention the amounts that have been spent where the placement has later broken down and the child was moved to new carers anyway - there are some safeguards built in for the LA to try and claw money back if that happens but it's very hard to do in reality.
Our area is part of the pilot, I do know one family who have been awarded from it, but it's a contribution of 25k, the extension is likely to cost 75k or more. It isn't a big extension either, and we're not in an expensive part of the country, the cost of building work has absolutely skyrocketed.

Who exactly would benefit in that scenario?

I do understand your feelings. I think a lot of people bury their head in the sand about the effect that going into care has on children and their diminished likely life outcomes - not because care is inherently bad or not needed, it very much is - but because staying with family is usually a better and healthier outcome for a child. (OBVIOUSLY there are children whose best interests ARE to be removed from their families, before anybody misunderstands me.)

However. Your sister is entitled to say no to parenting a child that she didn't sign up for. She doesn't sound like she's cut out to parent a child, especially a traumatised teenager, and she probably knows, if she cares, that you'd have the 14 year old.

I'm afraid that despite understanding your sister's position, I do judge people who could but don't look after a family member's child if the only alternative is them going into care. That's because I know what the likely reality is for that child: a series of foster placements with an increasingly mentally unhealthy teen ending up in a manky hostel, with all support removed at age 18. A high chances of ending up in a loop involving unemployment, homelessness, crime, drugs or at risk of modern slavery or prostitution. I, a childfree by choice 47 year old would inconvenience myself quite highly to avoid a child entering that likely spiral.

Even if the foster carers are OK, a teen girl can be vulnerable to other troubled teens living in the house. And they can get moved at a moment's notice from a good placement to a bad one.

You haven't clarified but said your sister has four people who drive living with her so either lodgers or grown up children. If the latter, she has done her time parenting and is now allowed to want to have some independence and freedom from that.

Either way though, the onus isn’t on her to care for your niece. I understand why it’s upsetting because the alternative for the girl is either live in care or with you which she doesn’t want to due to the younger sister. I just think it’s unjust to paint your sister as an evil woman for not wanting to care for her anymore because she wants to go on holidays and nights out.

The real issue here is your other sister and the dad of this poor girl, that’s where your anger should be directed. If I were you I’d start putting the partition up now.

I would take my nieces and nephews on in a heartbeat but the reality is that I would be gutted.

Same as if my DC got pregnant/got someone else pregnant and expected me to raise it.
Or if I became a step mum and the man left me to raise his kids.

It’s not fair.
I never asked to have an extra child and it’s unfair that peoples selfishness means that my entire life is affected (career, relationships, holidays, disposable income, hobbies, tidiness, space etc) and that that choice is taken away from me.

I assume your sister has grown up children or has chosen to not have children for a reason.

Also, where does it stop - your sister could continue to keep having kids and are you just going to keep having them until she’s unable to get pregnant.

I absolutely would take the 14yo old on in this scenario but I don’t think it’s as black and white as people are making out,

Poor girl. You sound lovely but unfortunately you can't control what your sister does, only your own actions.

In your shoes I (hope) I'd start making plans now to accommodate her. Speak to social services about any help they may be able to offer to make your home more suitable... thinking pragmatically, surely it's cheaper for them to help you put up a stud wall than to pay for her to be in care.