AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

Yes. Yabu.
I would absolutely have my niece living with me in these circumstances.
But, it is life changing and a huge responsibility. It's basically raising a child/ teenager again when you thought those years were behind you ( or, if child free you never had in the first place).
I doubt many people would appreciate being 'challenged' because they don't want the next 4 years ( at least) of their life to be dictated to them by their sibling.

I personally don’t think it’s fair to blame your sister , also the child aunty for not being able to commit to taking on a child which isn’t hers.
It isn’t her child - it her sisters.

Why not blame the actual child parents?

But NOBODY is saying the sister should be FORCED. Some of us are saying it's appalling that she would rather her niece go into the care system than give her a safe place from that nightmare for the remaining years of her childhood. There is no mention of forcing the sister at all.

So you’re not advocating forcing her at gunpoint. Well whoop-di-fucking-doo for you. You must feel so proud.

Highly recommend you look up their stories before making such an offensive comparison.

Highly recommend you don’t dismiss other people’s comments as offensive whilst spouting trite nonsense about how it’s “only four years” that demonstrates almost zero grasp of reality. You want an offensive comparison? How about you equating raising a troubled teen with doing little more than offering full board lodgings?

I really wouldn't lose any sleep at all over women AND men, who have already been found to be neglectful, chaotic and unsafe to have children in their care, being forcibly sterilised.

Not one wink.

But NOBODY is saying the sister should be FORCED. Some of us are saying it's appalling that she would rather her niece go into the care system than give her a safe place from that nightmare for the remaining years of her childhood. There is no mention of forcing the sister at all.

I really, really hope you can see that forced sterilisation is a human rights issue and has nothing to do with the situation we are discussing here. How can you equate the two? 🤢 Women HAVE been forcibly sterilised, and their experiences should not be co-opted to make a false equivalence. Highly recommend you look up their stories before making such an offensive comparison.

It takes significantly more then that to raise a teenager especially a traumatised one

She clearly isn't going to be, so there's an awful lot of wasted wind and hot air being blown about on this thread.

OP evidently isn't returning, either.

Quite simply if your sister does not want your niece living there she should not be guilted in taking on the responsibility.

Your anger and frustration at your sister is misplaced here. Just because shes a niece does not mean anyone is obliged to take her in. You say your sister has no young children, all driving etc. Your sister is probably looking forward to finally getting her life back after raising her own children . And shes not in the wrong for wanting that. We can all live our lives the way we want and your sister doesn't owe you an explanation, no is enough.

Your anger is misdirected - it's the birth parents you should be furious at! Your sister has stated that she is not able to help in this way and you need to respect that. It's a huge ask of anyone, and while I understand you are disappointed, you need to try to understand and help come up with an alternative solution.

I’m not. I’m equating forced sterilisation with being forced to raise a child that isn’t yours and that you don’t want.

I can't believe you're equating a child being tossed into the care system with forced sterilisation.

A few posters are referencing that there will be no support for the niece, either from social services now or at 18. There is nothing stopping either aunt support the child or being involved in their life if they are in care, it isn't a binary choice of full time care or walk away.
The young people who struggle the most when leaving the care system are often those who either have no family support/broken relationships, or where the family they are in touch with still have a lot of issues (eg returning to abusive parents because it's all they have)

Professional support could never replace the support a family would usually provide for a young adult (at least, not unless there is a massive overhaul of the expectation for young care leavers to leave home at 18 when society rarely expects that for 18yr olds generally now)

There are many children in care whose wider family are involved including going for sleepovers/holidays, having them join meetings and advocate for them etc. Having that network can make a huge difference to the experiences and outcomes for young people in care.

People should have their freedom… unless it’s the freedom not to take on someone else’s child? In which case they’re “sick”, “wicked” and “evil” according to you?

You don’t even realise what a hypocrite you are. Or how, beneath your banshee-like screeching about caring you are compared to all the terrible cold people on this thread, you’re actually the most unkind person here.

How awful for the poor kid. It is not your sisters fault nor responsibility though to take her in. I know that it might seem selfish of her but if she has chosen not to have kids herself it is for a reason. I get your sadness and frustration though. Them poor poor children though I feel so very sorry for them.

She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.

So who are these three other adults in the home that you are also insisting provide care for a vulnerable teenager? Do none of those people get an option either?

@PracticalPolicy I and my two other brothers couldn't take him. He is now in care and running away and drinking. I wouldn't have wanted that in my house. I chose never to have kids of my own and I don't see why I should pick up the pieces of my nephew's poor upbringing.

God, this is COLD.

I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted to be put into care if your dad had died.

Three aunts/uncles and no one would take him, and now he's in a bad spiral. That poor thing. 😭

What this thread shows is that some people just really do not care. It's an eye-opener.

You really, really don't want to live in a world where women can be forcibly sterilised. There are times in history when this has happened, and it was nothing short of horrific. People should have their freedom, even if they do make bad decisions.

One hundred percent. Me too. Thanks for understanding the likely outcomes from being in the care system.

People make life plans that involve the number of kids they have, the house they live.and the lifestyle they want. When they are then expected to change those plans and look after someone else's child they have every right to refuse.

This child's mum walked out 10 years ago and from the sound of it was very irresponsible by having so many different children. She was probably incapable of raising her children. The dad stepped up but he is equally feckless it seems and is now unsafe.for her to be there.

And your other sister is expected to house, clothe and feed this child who probably has emotional needs that can't easily be met. Onto top of this there is generally no financial support for family fostering (known as private fostering to local authorities). Only child benefit and additional benefits if the child has DLA or the sister is claiming UC.

Why should she take the child on?

My 16 year old nephew is in a similar position. His DM is incapable of looking after him and has been since he was born. She has had at least five other children. His dad, my brother, looked after him until he died of cancer two years ago. But he was also feckless with five other children living in different families and my nephew had no structure and was mostly left to his own devices. I and my two other brothers couldn't take him. He is now in care and running away and drinking. I wouldn't have wanted that in my house. I chose never to have kids of my own and I don't see why I should pick up the pieces of my nephew's poor upbringing.

You say it's holidays but it's much more likely to be refusing to carry the emotional weight of supporting a child who's been badly let down by her own parents.

She doesn’t have to be blinded to the care system in order to decide against accepting this responsibility. She is not responsible for solving this crisis she had no part in creating, at the expense of her own wishes for her own life. Women are not defacto carers this should be expected of.

The failures of the care system are widely known, but the vast majority of people are not rushing out to volunteer as foster carers. She is no more or less responsible for her niece than anyone else that isn’t her actual parent.

It’s fortunate that OP can’t make her. It isn’t something the sister should be made to do.

As I read it, mum walked out on the 14yo 10 years ago but has other children by other dads, which she presumably has seen within that time given the age of the one with OP.

Am i the only confused one. So the mum walked out 10 years ago but you are looking after a 6 yo since birth...who then is not actually your niece? 🤔 It's sad but you can't force your sister to look after your teenage niece. Maybe look into what help you can get to look after her?

No one is saying it’s wrong to be upset by child abuse. What’s wrong is to be dementedly baying for blood, telling perfect strangers they are evil and stuck in shit marriages because they wouldn’t turn their entire lives upside down at the drop of a hat. What’s wrong is to be repeatedly screeching “But the child is well-behaved!!!!”, when you have virtually zero knowledge of the situation. What’s wrong is to be actively offering to send threatening messages to the OP’s sister on her behalf.

Of course it’s normal to be upset about child abuse. But there hasn’t actually been any from the target of @ForCosyLion’s anger. The so-called parents are the abusers, yet they barely get a mention from her - it’s all about the aunt. These comments are a sign of someone with serious issues.

I agree kinship carers are underfunded so not sure who is under what illusion? Those were just a few articles I googled to show that the type of support I referred to may be available. Even outwith those limited areas that will give kinship carers equal money to regular foster carers, they can still get support. So don’t get too stuck on that pilot scheme.

My initial and main point was actualy that it’s worth an ask to see whats available as I do that some carers get approved for things. Which was also based on my professional and personal experience and knowledge as outlined above,

I really can’t be any clearer that I am not saying it’s also not the same for every area and not everyone will be successful with their requests.