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AIBU?

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AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

468 replies

Sharktale2020 · 27/04/2026 20:30

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

OP posts:
Popiscle · 29/04/2026 09:19

plsdontlookatme · 29/04/2026 09:05

There's an internet concept called "bean soup theory" which posits that if something offends you it may just not apply to you, making the outrage unnecessary. For instance, if someone is saying "an affluent adult with adult children should probably look after her own teenage niece" and what you're hearing is, "all impoverished widows should adopt ten profoundly disabled toddlers" something has gone wrong.

It's the principle that other people make assumptions about people's lives, judge their reasons (which they may not even know and may also involve assumptions), and disrespect the autonomy of another person over such a huge commitment that I have a problem with. It's easy to make decisions for other peoples lives, spend other people's money and sit on a high horse when it's not in your stable.

plsdontlookatme · 29/04/2026 09:05

There's an internet concept called "bean soup theory" which posits that if something offends you it may just not apply to you, making the outrage unnecessary. For instance, if someone is saying "an affluent adult with adult children should probably look after her own teenage niece" and what you're hearing is, "all impoverished widows should adopt ten profoundly disabled toddlers" something has gone wrong.

Perfect28 · 29/04/2026 08:40

What the hell happened to your sister (the mother of these children) to make her so irresponsible and incapable? Abandoning children left right and centre it seems? Where is she now?

JournalistEmily · 29/04/2026 08:35

Your sister is a twat. But knowing what you know I don’t think I’d want the child to live with a woman who didnt want her

AnnieLummox · 29/04/2026 07:22

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:48

Also, can I ask what sort of world you think we would have if everyone put themselves first all the time, including above children?

People put their own children ahead of themselves all the time. Given there are four adults in the sister’s household, I’m guessing she’s done just that before now. But any child? I don’t know why you would think she or anyone has to do that.

Popiscle · 29/04/2026 07:06

MsSmartShoes · 29/04/2026 04:15

I would move heaven and earth to keep her out of care.

Here you are OP, another volunteer to take in your niece.

MsSmartShoes · 29/04/2026 04:15

I would move heaven and earth to keep her out of care.

SmellycatSmelllycat · 29/04/2026 03:33

I wonder if OP is ever going to return to this thread?

I don’t really know why people are getting so outraged over the small amount of details we know about the situation?

Without hearing the sisters side and reasoning it’s unfair that she’s being ripped to shreds online for not giving up her life for a child she didn’t bring into the world.
It’s surprising that the hate isn’t directed towards the parents that had children and abandoned them because they are the only ones who are responsible for ruining their lives.

OP’s niece is in a comfortable enough situation that sharing a room is inconvenient enough to turn down a roof over her head based on the information we have. That doesn’t sound like someone desperate and terrified does it?

InterIgnis · 29/04/2026 01:53

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:48

Also, can I ask what sort of world you think we would have if everyone put themselves first all the time, including above children?

As unrealistic a world as one where people never put themselves first.

People are not, and never have been, binary. This is another clumsy appeal to emotion.

Popiscle · 29/04/2026 01:22

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:51

Also, you don't actually know that for sure. No one does.

I suspect you've been raised by a people pleaser, like I was. The kind that always puts themselves second (bit of a martyr about it behind the scenes my mother too), feels like they 'have' to do the right thing, rises if someone has a need no matter the cost to them because 'you have to'.

It's been a very important part of adapting to the demands caring has on me to learn to say no, to have boundaries, to know my limitations and to know it is okay to say no, even if it upset someone else. I am no less important than those I care for. In some ways more so, because if I fall apart, the back up options are less ideal.

You can say no even if it makes you look bad, even if people don't understand, even if they judge you. Sometimes it's even the right thing to do.

Even recently when I told my mother she didn't have to host unknown to her relative visiting from overseas and could say no, she said, "Oh you can't do that!" I told her, "Yes, you can!"

It's really quite liberating to not feel beholden to expectations all the time.

Popiscle · 29/04/2026 01:15

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:48

Also, can I ask what sort of world you think we would have if everyone put themselves first all the time, including above children?

There is nothing wrong with putting yourself ahead of other people's children. Men are never expected to make these same self sacrifices for others.

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:51

AnnieLummox · 29/04/2026 00:37

If I died, I wouldn’t feel anything. It’s kind of part and parcel of being dead.

Also, you don't actually know that for sure. No one does.

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:48

Also, can I ask what sort of world you think we would have if everyone put themselves first all the time, including above children?

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:46

AnnieLummox · 29/04/2026 00:37

If I died, I wouldn’t feel anything. It’s kind of part and parcel of being dead.

Good point. How do you feel about that thought now? Your own daughter going into care? How does that make you feel?

AnnieLummox · 29/04/2026 00:37

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:21

I don't know if you have kids, but if you do or did, imagine you died. How would you feel about a sibling of yours turning over your 14-year-old daughter to the care system?

If I died, I wouldn’t feel anything. It’s kind of part and parcel of being dead.

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:36

AnnieLummox · 29/04/2026 00:33

No.

😱

AnnieLummox · 29/04/2026 00:33

Also, what other type of niece is there than a female niece?

AnnieLummox · 29/04/2026 00:33

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:12

It's not her legal responsibility, no. But considering the dangers of the care system, I think it's her moral duty.

You really don't think that turning a 14-year-old female niece over to take her chances in the care system is at all cold?

No.

AnnieLummox · 29/04/2026 00:29

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:00

I'm respecting her right to make her own choices. I'm not advocating that she be forced. I'm marvelling at how anyone can be so cold-hearted as to toss their niece into care. Especially when her niece is ALREADY living with her! She's not just refusing to take her, she's kicking her out and into the care system. I mean, you surely must admit, that's icy.

But OP's sister might well end up taking her on in order to avoid such an outcome, even though she's already doing her share by bringing up another niece. So OP will end up even more stretched while her sister "protects her peace," and that's how selfish people get away with these things. Makes me mad. In most families, though, there's someone who does a lot of care (this usually shows up in elder care) while a sibling or siblings go on their merry way with minimal life disruption. Yet they're there like a shot with their hands out for their inheritance.

One of my fondest wishes is that selfish people experience the proportionate amount of karma.

Edited

You don’t want to know what my fondest wish is for you.

InterIgnis · 29/04/2026 00:27

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:21

I don't know if you have kids, but if you do or did, imagine you died. How would you feel about a sibling of yours turning over your 14-year-old daughter to the care system?

I’m not sure what relevance that has, beyond being a clumsy appeal to emotion.

Feeling that someone should do something does not mean they’re morally bound to even if you would, or that they’d be doing anything wrong by not doing it.

AnnieLummox · 29/04/2026 00:27

ForCosyLion · 28/04/2026 23:10

But you have good reasons not to take a niece. The OP's sister seems to have no good reason.

She doesn’t want to. That’s the best reason of all.

AnnieLummox · 29/04/2026 00:26

ForCosyLion · 28/04/2026 23:10

Not all freedoms should be exercised. We are all free to sleep with other people's spouses if they'll have us, and I don't think anyone would support THAT freedom. There is a big difference between protecting your right not to be forcibly sterilised and protecting your right to be selfish. The former is a matter of human rights and the latter is not morally defensible. Yes, you have the freedom to be selfish. But should you exercise that freedom? Imagine if everybody in society exercised their right to be selfish. Where would we be then?

We’d all be fucking adults.

Popiscle · 29/04/2026 00:23

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:21

I don't know if you have kids, but if you do or did, imagine you died. How would you feel about a sibling of yours turning over your 14-year-old daughter to the care system?

This is why you have conversations and appoint willing guardians in your will before you die, to avoid this. If something changes with your appointed guardians, you change your will to account for it. Essential action as soon as you have a child.

AnnieLummox · 29/04/2026 00:23

ForCosyLion · 28/04/2026 21:22

Entirely agree.

There are some stone-cold hearts on this thread. God help us all, indeed. It's actually a great peep into what society has become. Everyone out for themselves.

You are an absolutely awful person.

ForCosyLion · 29/04/2026 00:21

InterIgnis · 29/04/2026 00:17

You think it’s her moral duty? She doesn’t, so that’s that.

I don’t think it cold, hot, or even temperate. I don’t judge her morally at all. I have no inclination to do so.

I don't know if you have kids, but if you do or did, imagine you died. How would you feel about a sibling of yours turning over your 14-year-old daughter to the care system?

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