AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

So true.

If I had a niece and a spare room I'd be willing to consider it but I might not be the best placed to provide what is needed in other ways, due to other demands already on me. We could give it a go, but the if the issues and needs are complex, it might not be in the niece's best interests without significant external support (like other family members being able to take niece to appointments and the like).

I often feel like the carer is not considered as a whole person with their own needs and challenges by agencies looking for support for their clients. They are meant to be super human and the cost to their own health isn't always considered. You definitely need to be able to advocate for yourself as a carer. Carers have some of the worst outcomes in terms of health and well being.

I don't know about the worst but clearly they aren't aware of the big picture. Those of us who are properly trained know it's not as simple.

A room is simply not good enough. This is not what traumatised teens who have experienced severe family dysfunction need. They need more. You keep harping on about the aunt ‘having room’. If the aunt does not have the will or the desire to help, then the teen is not living in a nurturing environment. Even the government and all the fostering agencies have stopped advertising along the lines that ‘all you need is a spare room’. No, it’s simply not enough. People here have told you, in very respectful and considered ways, how hard it is to re-parent children and young people who have experienced severe family dysfunction, abuse and trauma. You just don’t want to listen. Like you are a matriarchal character from Eastenders because ‘family’. Families in the UK are why babies and children are removed and placed into care. The thresholds are eye wateringly high for children to be legally severed from their families or origin. Also, the whole ‘because family’ trope is insulting to all the adopters, kinship carers and foster carers who do step up to care for and nurture society’s most vulnerable children. Because family often just doesn’t cut it. Because often because family can be the problem.

All right all right, calm down. I don't want to be responsible for your blood pressure. Have a nice bath or something.

It’s most definitely not YOUR place.

I’ve met some vile people on here over the years, but you are the worst. Absolutely toxic. And the fact that you’ve convinced yourself that you’re so caring is what makes it really
worrying.

If you would be totally OK with being put into the care system at 14 even though you had an aunt with room for you, then all well and good.

Exactly.

The mental gymnastics are wild on here from those who would do the same as OP's sister. If only their hearts were as flexible!

Well, you don't seem to have much empathy for your mother in this situation. YOU say that you loved your mother more than your grandmother, ie you loved your mother greatly, but did you ever consider that your mother likely felt the same degree of love for her OWN mother? And so therefore, it was up to her to decide her mother's care? As the granddaughter, your grandmother simply wasn't quite as important to you as your own mother, but it's exactly the same for your mum. I wouldn't have taken kindly to interference by someone who wasn't as connected to my mum as I was. And why did you have to push to have your grandmother put in a home? Why couldn't carers come in more? Or you could have helped out more? It wasn't your place to tell your mother what to do regarding her own much-loved mother.

You're one of the good ones, @BloominNora.

Putting your GP in a home is a far cry from telling a 16 year old girl to leave the house of your family member and go into a system that historically has treated young people (especially females) poorly.

I wouldn`t take in any one.
If that makes me selfish so be it.

I myself can own that I 1) am not in a position to foster a child and 2) am fairly selfish and have enough of my own problems to contend with. However, fundamentally, I am at least willing to recognise that the needs of a vulnerable 14yo matter more than mine (I used to be that 14yo, incidentally).

Could have written the above myself.

Well done for being a humane, stand-up person, OP!

Oh, stop! I've got the giggles and people are looking! 😂

It is a bit nuanced, but if SS 'place' the child there are processes that they (should!) follow. The first stage is an initial viability assessment, which is some basic checks that can be done in the same day, and if approved allows the person to be paid as a temporary, level 1 foster carer. They then undergo a 12-16 week assessment while the child is living with them and undertake fostering training, at the end of which they are put forward for fostering panel. If approved they are a long term foster carer (for that specific child) and their payments increase.

Where I've worked there used to be some controversy where SS were involved, but encouraged the family to make arrangements and therefore classed it as a private arrangement so it wasn't paid. There has been guidance since so that it's not just who asks, or who physically takes the child there, but things like if SS are setting the rules (eg about when the child can see parents) then it's SS placement, not a family arrangement.

Of course there are lots of situations where SS aren't involved at all, where family step in, that aren't paid (other than standard benefits like CB) and theres a big push to try and get financial support as standard for those families.

🤣🤣🤣

Erm, well since you said the following, no, I didn't think you would take him if you could:

I don't see why I should pick up the pieces of my nephew's poor upbringing.

Not in the case of my nephew who was looked after for nearly two years by a friend of my brother until he became too disruptive.

They would have to go through the full foster carer process and training to get paid.

Certain posters keep talking about “inconvenience”. An inconvenience is when the dishwasher breaks down, or your train is cancelled. Raising a potentially traumatised teen is a damn sight more than inconvenient.

Lol, that will go well.

The sister has already inconvenienced herself, and has now said ‘enough’. She isn’t an errant child OP can assert authority over, moral or otherwise.

The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?

No matter what else you do, if I were you I’d sit your sister down and give her a good hard talking to about this! (And get her pastor involved if possible!)

Honestly, these days everyone is so obsessed with self-care and their own mental health, but if you’re calling yourself a Christian you need to remember that it means sometimes inconveniencing yourself to help people who need it!

She fulfilled her duty and obligation, she took the girl into her home. She tried. For whatever reason, and with her background it's likely to include the girl's behaviour being quite challenging, she has found that she simply isn't capable of providing what a disturbed teenage girl needs.

Because as sure as hell it's not "duty and obligation" on a daily basis.

It's a very sad situation @Sharktale2020 and I can understand your reaction. None of us like to think of a child going into care if a family member has the resources to house them. But your sister's made her decision and there's nothing you can do about it.

Honestly, I would probably think less of her going forward, but don't waste your anger on her, just be there for your niece to the extent that you can be.

If the family stepped in when dad was struggling and made the arrangement themselves it would be.
In this case though it says that the niece was removed by social services from dad's and placed with aunt. If social services make the decision, and if they're doing things like holding (Looked After) review meetings it suggests that it's a short term fostering arrangement, in which case the aunt would be paid as a foster carer like any other foster carer.

Not sure why that’s supposed to apply more to the aunt than it is the actual parents of the child.

Ah, the past, when everyone did their duty and there was no such things as orphanages, workhouses and other dumping grounds for the unwanted?

Let’s go ahead and consider this according to some historical standards, though. First things first, was she a legitimate child, or a bastard? If the latter then you absolutely shouldn’t have such a corrupting influence in your home, guaranteed as she is by circumstance of birth to be of poor character. If you were feeling particularly generous though, perhaps you could secure her employment somewhere she could also be housed. She’s old enough to work, after all.

✨ the good old days! ✨