AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

OP is giving the 6 year old the best life she can. If she somehow took the 14 year old as well, both girls' quality of life would suffer. And as someone else said, it is unlikely that children's services would agree on a shared bedroom for kinship care/ special guardianship children. It's a tough road. Good luck, OP. 💐💐💐

1. Your sister didn't want more kids. Your other sister being unfit has nothing to do with that. Your sister is recognising she needs to do what's best for her and the kids she has.

1. With respect, I think you are coming from a place of love but creating chaos. The current placement with you isn't ideal for your own kids, never mind taking on another, and that assumes that you only take 2 of the 8 kids. Clearly you love your nieces, but your one sister having multiple kids she can't raise doesn't mean her sisters need to take them in because "family".

Your family living in an overcrowded situation or your sister, who by the sounds of it is done raising children, taking on another child, particularly when your unfit sister has more kids, is not a solution. It's an emotional, panicky reaction to a crisis.

There are 8 children, it'll be a different sister, not the 6 year old.

Bloody hell, the niece is 14, not a toddler, and just needs a roof over her head and meals and some support for the next four years. I cannot believe your sister. To toss your teenage niece into care, where there's a high chance she'll be abused, just because she doesn't want her to live with her for a mere four years, is absolutely wicked. I have no idea how anyone can be so callous. It's not like she has 18 years of growing to do, or needs her nappy changing or can't be left alone or needs bottle-feeding. Jesus fucking Christ.

Sorry but I think you are being unfair on your sister, just because you have chosen to take 1 niece does not mean that option works for everyone.

She has tried to help and it isnt working out for her. As hard as that is, you niece would be better off with people set up and happy to help out than someone forced out of family loyalty.

Who are the 4 other people she lices with that aren't young children?

Your niece has shitty parents. Your anger should be directed at them.

You’re being massively unreasonable to expect your other sister to take on the burden of having a teenager.

You are being incredibly kind by taking on a kid that’s not your own. I don’t think you should expect someone else to do the same.

I wouldn’t trust SS either!

take in yours and put her in the same room with her small sister?

You cant force someone to take on child they dont want - relative or not. You should be angry with your sibling who keeps breeding like its going out of fashion... Not the one who doesn't want her life disrupted - which is of course selfish but fair enough.

I would try to get the girl and if she does end up going into care temporarily try to have her at yours as much as possible. You are a lovely caring person and I just want to say I really admire you - but not everyone is like you...And its ok, this is how life is!

Also to add OP you have had the 6 year old from birth, so you have bonded with her has a newborn and raised her yourself. Although she is hyper, 6 is a cute age. Your sister is dealing with a teenager, they are notoriously difficult to raise at the best of times, but your niece has whatever traumas she has suffered at the hands of her parents to add to the equation. Walk a mile in your sisters shoes before you judge her.

You are angry with the wrong people. It is not this sisters responsibility to parent her niece. She has been minding her and it clearly doesn't work for her. She is entitled to the life she wants. This isn't her child. She isn't shirking her responsibilities. Its sad for your niece. If you can help great but don't be angry with your sister choosing not too. Presumably she's raised her family.

You’re angry with the wrong sister.

Awaiting a knuckle rap for being judgy pants! 😆

i was just gonna write this

How many of the 8 are your sister’s children rather than her (ex?) partner’s? Where are the rest of them?

That's not fair. Both the parents are at fault here but it's not right to say a woman is selfish if she doesn't want to raise someone else's child, family or not!

How did she walk out on them 10 years ago if the youngest is 6?

She walked out on her 6 yo ten years ago? My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth. Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.

If your sister has said 'no' then the question is moot. Anger is a waste of negative energy in the circumstances because it's not going to lead to your desired outcome. Your sister sounds resolute and it's clear her decision is already taken. I don't think you have any other choice but to respect that.

Your sister is in her forties. You have to assume that if she'd wanted a family she would have had one. She hasn't. Her plans for her future life are therefore unlikely to include taking on all the responsibilities of parenthood without actually becoming a mother. And she does have that right. The commitment you are expecting her to take on is enormous and not a thing to be done lightly.

If you have strong ideas as to your niece's future then unfortunately you're going to have to take on that responsibility yourself. You can't force someone else to do so whatever your stance on their moral obligations.

I do feel enormous sympathy for the child. I'm aware of the issues with the care system and I wouldn't want this for a relative of mine. That still doesn't mean I'd be in any way at liberty to volunteer other women's time and labour on their behalf.

Your sister is being cold hearted. I couldn’t imagine letting my young niece go into care when I could house her, no matter how begrudging I felt inside.
As for the niece, I know she doesn’t want to share but beggars can’t be choosers. It was normal for my generation growing up in the 90s to be sharing with a sibling. She will have to get over it.

@Sharktale2020 your a gold star.

Your sister has already gone above and beyond by taking her in temporarily. So what if she wants to keep her life as she likes it? She chose not to have children to be responsible for, so she’s fully entitled to do just that.

I would not take on this responsibility either.

Your anger is misplaced.
Your sister should be able to make the decision that is right for her. You're niece also deserves to be loved and cherished, not to be considered a burden.

If your niece is on an interim care order with your sister at the moment, perhaps enquire with her social worker whether there is any potential funding for you to extend to take in the child if you're minded to do so.
The top and tail suggestion upthread won't work because it doesn't meet fostering regs.
If your LA is keen to keep one child out of their care stats, then there might just be something you could have help with so that you can have this poor girl in your care.

Your anger should be directed towards the girl's mother. If your other sister is childfree and wants to stay that way then that needs to be respected.

ETA and angry at the girl's father of course. I mean out of your two sisters the one you should be angry with is your niece's mother.

I don’t think it’s clear cut. Ultimately, it’s her parents who have caused the situation, given that neither are able/allowed to care for her (assuming both are alive)- your sister is not responsible for that situation.

I think being in the care system is not a great place for any child or young person, and I can see why you would want to keep your niece within the family and out of care, if at all possible. I have huge sympathy with that perspective and I think would probably be the best thing for your niece- assuming the family she is placed with are in the position to care for her. Not just financially/space-wise, but also practically and emotionally. If they aren’t…. Well, it might not be a particularly great environment for her either.

I also don’t know that you are being fair re your sisters reasons for not wanting to keep her long-term. It could be because of holidays and going out, and if that is accurate it does seem like a very shallow/selfish reason not to help her niece. But perhaps that is your perception of her reasons, and things are actually more nuanced? Perhaps your neice is not as easy as you think, or there is something happening in your sisters life that you aren't aware of, for instance. Maybe her partner and/or other family members are against it, and she doesn’t feel able to force it through? Perhaps she genuinely does not feel able to look after your niece long-term for some reason? If she really feels that she cannot cope, it is better for all involved for your sister to be honest with social services from the outset, rather than changing the goalposts.

Being genuinely honest with myself, I would not be in a position to take on my siblings children right now if anything happened to their parents- despite having the physical space and financial resources to do so. I have no idea how I’d work it around work and current family commitments without a detrimental impact on me, my family and my career. I also just don’t want to go back to having younger children, which i recognise is absolutely selfish- but when am I allowed to be selfish and put my needs first?