Page 17 | AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

Sharktale2020 · 2026-04-27T19:30:10+00:00

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be. Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back. She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her. The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s) When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses. She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through) I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses. I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded) While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer. She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children. My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth. We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help. The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman! Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life. She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care. How can someone have such a cold heart? And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!! No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools. The poor girl is going through enough.

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 22:46

lulubalu · 27/04/2026 22:32

There have been a fair few times over the last 15 years that I've almost been in your sister's shoes thanks to my feckless brother. I'm child-free by choice and if I'd chosen to house my brother's children because he couldn't/ wouldn't, then my marriage would have been over.

It's not as cut-and-dried as some people might think.
As much as I wouldn't want to see my nieces/nephews taken into care, if I stepped in, then I wouldn't be able to house them long term as I'd be homeless myself.

Excuses, excuses. If your marriage would be over because you'd given four years over to save a young female relative from the abuses of the care system, then it's a horrible marriage to a horrible person and you're best off out of it. As for being homeless, come off it. She could sleep on the sofa and it would still be a million times better than going into the care system, where abuse is high and where no one would give a stuff about her.

Delici · 27/04/2026 22:44

It’s better that’s she’s honest. Your niece deserves a home where she is wanted.

couldn’t imagine not having her but I’m not your sister. She’s allowed to say no.

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 22:42

The excuses for not housing a vulnerable female teenage family member on here are utterly shocking. I'm referring to both the Cruella of the OP and to those saying that if it was them, they wouldn't be able to because of X excuse.

There is NOTHING more important than keeping a "well-behaved" (as the OP says) young female relative out of the care system. Not your stupid fucking peace, not your "entitlement" to your own life, not your space issues, not your marriage, NOTHING. I appreciate it might not be possible if the girl is seriously disruptive, but OP says she is well-behaved.

All of you who would turn her over to care are wicked. How would YOU like to be thrown into the care system as a vulnerable youngster because your family wouldn't give a roof over your head for the mere four years left of your childhood? How would YOU like to be made vulnerable to all the people who prey on youngsters in the care system? Children in the care system experience very high rates of violence and abuse.

I would sleep in the bath before I'd let a fourteen-year-old niece of mine into the care system.

WhatDoRacoonsSay · 27/04/2026 22:38

Leave your sister be, she can't, or won't take on your niece and she doesn't have to.
You take her.

OneNewEagle · 27/04/2026 22:35

Your anger needs to be directed towards the parents.

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 27/04/2026 22:34

Are you fostering your niece ? or is she with you on an SGO?

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 22:33

OttilieKnackered · 27/04/2026 21:43

Out of order. That 14 year old probably has multiple issues given her history (not her fault). She will likely be a huge disruption wherever she goes (again not her fault).

OP’s sister is probably protecting her peace and that of the people she lives with (guessing partner and adult kids?). I don’t see anything wrong with that.

The only wicked people here are the inadequate parents having child after child despite being unfit to care for them.

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Um, the OP describes the teen in question as "well-behaved." So your musings about how much trouble she'll be are completely unfounded, which you would know if you'd read the OP.

Choice 1: Have your well-behaved teenage niece live with you for a mere four years until she's an adult.
Choice 2: Put her into the care system where the chances of her being physically, sexually, verbally, and emotionally abused skyrocket.

And you don't see anything wrong with that? REALLY? You would subject your niece to the care system in order to "protect your peace"? You think that OP's precious fucking peace is worth making a teenage girl so vulnerable?

"Oh, yeah, I let my teenage niece go into the care system where she was raped, but I was protecting my peace." 😡😡😡😡😡😡

God, why are human beings so wicked.

Rosiemate · 27/04/2026 22:33

YANBU and your sister sounds selfish - but it’s her life and she’s entitled to spend her time how she likes. Suddenly having a teenager moving in with you and having to cope with that and change your whole lifestyle is a big thing to ask of anyone.

Perhaps it’s best that your sister is honest - it doesn’t sound as if your niece would be likely to be very happy living with her, or made to feel at all welcome.

lulubalu · 27/04/2026 22:32

There have been a fair few times over the last 15 years that I've almost been in your sister's shoes thanks to my feckless brother. I'm child-free by choice and if I'd chosen to house my brother's children because he couldn't/ wouldn't, then my marriage would have been over.

It's not as cut-and-dried as some people might think.
As much as I wouldn't want to see my nieces/nephews taken into care, if I stepped in, then I wouldn't be able to house them long term as I'd be homeless myself.

RudolphTheReindeer · 27/04/2026 22:20

Babyghirl · 27/04/2026 22:08

I say the sister went on to have another baby by a different man, that baby was more likely taken off ops sister and given to op. Thats what I'm reading it as.

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Yes that's what I've assumed as op has had the 6yo since birth.

PollyBell · 27/04/2026 22:11

Why is the sister who has done nothing wrong to blame for this, no one should be guilt tripped into having a child live with them maybe if more thought went into all this mess before conception no one would have to pick up the pieces of the mees adults have created

Babyghirl · 27/04/2026 22:08

Mossstitch · 27/04/2026 22:02

The op said the 14 year old was living with dad when removed by social services, not been 10 uesrs with aunt............but agree doesn't explain the 6 year old🤷

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I say the sister went on to have another baby by a different man, that baby was more likely taken off ops sister and given to op. Thats what I'm reading it as.

Ooooookay · 27/04/2026 22:07

Mossstitch · 27/04/2026 22:02

The op said the 14 year old was living with dad when removed by social services, not been 10 uesrs with aunt............but agree doesn't explain the 6 year old🤷

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Ok thank you I am getting very confused. Poor children

Mossstitch · 27/04/2026 22:02

Ooooookay · 27/04/2026 21:58

Your niece has been living with her aunt for 10 years and now they are throwing her out? That is really awful. Has something happened to prompt this?

The op said the 14 year old was living with dad when removed by social services, not been 10 uesrs with aunt............but agree doesn't explain the 6 year old🤷

NameChangeAgain48 · 27/04/2026 22:02

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 21:41

Entitled to the life she wants, eh? If the day comes when she needs help from the family, and none of them are there for her because they're all "entitled to the life they want," then fine.

God, why are people so selfish these days. It's all "You're not responsible for their happiness" when the person in question is an immediate family member, like a spouse, and "You're entitled to do what you like" when there is a close family member needing help.

As long as people who subscribe to this way of thinking are one thousand percent self-sufficient and never, ever ask for help or blame anyone close to them for making them unhappy, all well and good. Mum said something really nasty to you and you're very upset? Well, she's not responsible for your happiness, doncha know. Broken your leg and need help washing your hair? Well, no one has time and they're entitled to their own lives. 😡 Selfish, selfish, selfish.

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It's her life and her choice. You may think it's selfish. I think it's better for her to be honest now than to take on a child that she doesn't want. Having a child full time is a huge commitment, and it's long-term. You're talking about a 4 year 24/7 commitment. This isn't a broken leg or looking after someone for a few weeks with the lurgy. She has raised her family. She has fulfilled her responsibilities. Would it be nice of you took the child in? Absolutely. But, it would be wrong to judge her poorly for not wanting to. No one really knows what is goingbon in someone elses life. She's making the right decision for her and her family.

If it was one of my nibblings I'd like to think I would do it but I wouldn't do it to the detriment of my own kids wellbeing.

Ooooookay · 27/04/2026 21:58

Your niece has been living with her aunt for 10 years and now they are throwing her out? That is really awful. Has something happened to prompt this?

Hammy19 · 27/04/2026 21:57

Sharktale2020 · 27/04/2026 20:46

She doesn't want to share which I get.
It's a sad situation-she has 8 brothers and sisters from mum and dad getting with different partners.
they have never all lived together and she is not close with the sister who lives with me.
She has said she doesn't want to go into care and would stay with me as a last resort(my little one really is hard work)
Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.
She isn't a viable option hence why her sister is with me.
Social services may say they will help but believe me i wouldnt put my trust in that!

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I think that I'd save my anger for her actual parents tbh

InterIgnis · 27/04/2026 21:56

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 21:41

Entitled to the life she wants, eh? If the day comes when she needs help from the family, and none of them are there for her because they're all "entitled to the life they want," then fine.

God, why are people so selfish these days. It's all "You're not responsible for their happiness" when the person in question is an immediate family member, like a spouse, and "You're entitled to do what you like" when there is a close family member needing help.

As long as people who subscribe to this way of thinking are one thousand percent self-sufficient and never, ever ask for help or blame anyone close to them for making them unhappy, all well and good. Mum said something really nasty to you and you're very upset? Well, she's not responsible for your happiness, doncha know. Broken your leg and need help washing your hair? Well, no one has time and they're entitled to their own lives. 😡 Selfish, selfish, selfish.

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As if it isn’t selfish to expect the sister to accept the responsibilities OP’s trying to dump on her.

Yes, she very much is entitled to live the life she wants. She did not bring this child into the world.

What OP is asking is no small favour, but a massive commitment. Not just for her sister, but for the family she lives with and is actually responsible for. They are not obliged to sign up for this by virtue of being related to the girl.

JohnofWessex · 27/04/2026 21:55

How did the 6 year old come to be placed with you and do you get any help from Social Services.

They should provide a significant level of financial support but often dont.

I would suggest getting some specialist advice as to what you should be getting support wise and making sure that you get it.

Rachie1973 · 27/04/2026 21:48

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 21:41

Entitled to the life she wants, eh? If the day comes when she needs help from the family, and none of them are there for her because they're all "entitled to the life they want," then fine.

God, why are people so selfish these days. It's all "You're not responsible for their happiness" when the person in question is an immediate family member, like a spouse, and "You're entitled to do what you like" when there is a close family member needing help.

As long as people who subscribe to this way of thinking are one thousand percent self-sufficient and never, ever ask for help or blame anyone close to them for making them unhappy, all well and good. Mum said something really nasty to you and you're very upset? Well, she's not responsible for your happiness, doncha know. Broken your leg and need help washing your hair? Well, no one has time and they're entitled to their own lives. 😡 Selfish, selfish, selfish.

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Of course she’s entitled to it. It’s not selfish to want the life you planned for.

fabstraction · 27/04/2026 21:45

I think that when the child's own parents abandoned their kids, that's where the blame should start and end. Ideally, yes, your sister would step up and offer a home for your niece, but she didn't choose to have this child and it's not her fault that your niece is in this situation. She's taken her in for a while, at least, and she didn't even have to do that. Ultimately, you can't make her do something she's not prepared to do. You can be angry, but it's a waste of your energy. You won't change your sister's mind, and if she's determined not to have your niece in her home, it's best not to try to force that, anyway.

OttilieKnackered · 27/04/2026 21:43

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 21:34

Bloody hell, the niece is 14, not a toddler, and just needs a roof over her head and meals and some support for the next four years. I cannot believe your sister. To toss your teenage niece into care, where there's a high chance she'll be abused, just because she doesn't want her to live with her for a mere four years, is absolutely wicked. I have no idea how anyone can be so callous. It's not like she has 18 years of growing to do, or needs her nappy changing or can't be left alone or needs bottle-feeding. Jesus fucking Christ.

Edited

Out of order. That 14 year old probably has multiple issues given her history (not her fault). She will likely be a huge disruption wherever she goes (again not her fault).

OP’s sister is probably protecting her peace and that of the people she lives with (guessing partner and adult kids?). I don’t see anything wrong with that.

The only wicked people here are the inadequate parents having child after child despite being unfit to care for them.

DisappointedofMeryton · 27/04/2026 21:41

PoppinjayPolly · 27/04/2026 21:12

She walked out on her 6 yo ten years ago? My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth. Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.

There are 8 siblings. Maybe a different sister, not the 6 year old OP is caring for?

BarbiesDreamHome · 27/04/2026 21:41

Whatever you might think about your sister being cold hearted, her decisions have not negatively affected her own children.

On the other hand, have tried to do a good thing with the 6yo but admit your lives are now really hard. Yet you're looking to spread yourself thinner. That's not a good decision.

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 21:41

NameChangeAgain48 · 27/04/2026 21:24

You are angry with the wrong people. It is not this sisters responsibility to parent her niece. She has been minding her and it clearly doesn't work for her. She is entitled to the life she wants. This isn't her child. She isn't shirking her responsibilities. Its sad for your niece. If you can help great but don't be angry with your sister choosing not too. Presumably she's raised her family.

Entitled to the life she wants, eh? If the day comes when she needs help from the family, and none of them are there for her because they're all "entitled to the life they want," then fine.

God, why are people so selfish these days. It's all "You're not responsible for their happiness" when the person in question is an immediate family member, like a spouse, and "You're entitled to do what you like" when there is a close family member needing help.

As long as people who subscribe to this way of thinking are one thousand percent self-sufficient and never, ever ask for help or blame anyone close to them for making them unhappy, all well and good. Mum said something really nasty to you and you're very upset? Well, she's not responsible for your happiness, doncha know. Broken your leg and need help washing your hair? Well, no one has time and they're entitled to their own lives. 😡 Selfish, selfish, selfish.