AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

My biological DD who is by reports ‘excellent, respectful and a joy’ is also sometimes a lot of work! Kids age 14 don’t just sit and robotically live, especially ones with bigger concerns.

It sounds like sister lives with a partner and two adult children (four drivers in the house)

READ THE OP. The teen is described as "well-behaved."

This is true for all kids in foster care. It’s great to hear you’re ready to start fostering! It would be absolutely wicked to let any child suffer this, obviously, so do let us know how your first interview with SS goes.

OP ppl like this are talking out of their arse. It’s very easy to do the right thing in one’s imagination only. I’ve been both a carer and a foster carer and think the only right thing to do is to be honest about whether you can do either. There is zero point pretending or being pressured. Both of those pathways only make a difficult situation worse. If your sister doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to and she’s right to say so.

I think its unkind to say that your sister just wants to keep going on holidays and such. Taking on a teenager as a childless person is a huge and terrifying commitment. Not everyone could do it. And while I would want to keep her out of care, it isn’t always possible.

The poor kid clearly has been dealt a shitty hand, but that is down to her parents.

Judging from how many posts you've replied to you sound like you have a lot of skin in the game so I maybe understand your strong reaction. My post was (fortunately) hypothetical as it never came to that, but you definitely have come on too strong to say I'm married to a horrible person who'd I'd be better off without, there's really no need to be quite so antagonistic.

It’s not utterly selfish to not want to take a child who is not yours. It’s hard, it’s horrible to imagine, but you don’t know the circumstances.

I have children of my own, but we have a life where we can afford to let them have a good one and our house is full. If we were asked to take in another child, I would hope there was an alternative. That’s not selfish.

It wouldn't be for 'just four years' though would it? How many children do you know who leave home on their 18th birthday without a backwards glance and no need for further support? And especially young people who have presumably been through something traumatic.

Op I can understand your protectiveness and anger, though as others have said I think the anger is misdirected. For someone who has never had children and never had the 24hr responsibility of parenting, taking on a teenager, even a well behaved one, is a massive mental shift and it isn't something everyone can do. Its better for your sister to be honest than for her to stay there with someone who feels resentful about the situation. Your sister can still play an important role in supporting your niece without having the full time, permanent responsibility of looking after her.

Caring for a traumatised teen is much, more more than a roof over her head and a hot meal. My DD is 14, and has a trauma history - parenting her is a full time job, emotionally demanding and exhausting at times. I love the bones of her, she’s a fabulous young person but needs a lot of support. It’s ok for someone to decide they can’t do it.

One thousand percent agree. They can all go and fuck themselves, as can all the people here who agree with the aunt exposing her niece to violence and rape because it's just too inconvenient to give her well-behaved, vulnerable teenage relative food and shelter for four years. I don't think I've ever been so sickened by a thread, and that's saying something.

I have lots of aunts who looked the other way whilst I was put into the system and sadistically abused. They can all fuck themselves - they are worth nothing at all to me.

In my experience adults who allow teenagers to be institutionalised, abused, and raped always find a way to make themselves out as the real victims.

It's very very hard on the child it really is. Sadly though you cannot force someone to become their guardian.

This is exactly why I think everyone who was an adult when I was an abused and institutionalised teenager can absolutely fuck themselves. Never, ever underestimate what people will carefully turn a blind eye to so that they never have to stick their own neck out or forgo one of their precious bloody holidays.

How did your sister walk out on her 2 x DDs ten years ago if the younger one is only 6?

There are 8 siblings. The 14 year old doesn't know the 6 year old. There is likely another sister, who was a full/resident sister to the 14 year old, and those were the 2 sisters left 10 years ago. The other sister may well be older than the 14 year old. The 6 year old is likely to have been born subsequently from a different father, and handed over to OP as a baby.

I’m a bit confused - where’s the girls mother?

What do you mean, you can confirm the above? Which above?

Why do you have to change your whole lifestyle to have a well-behaved fourteen-year-old living with you? Maybe some things would have to change, but she's hardly a toddler, and it's only four years. The poor lamb just needs a safe place away from the horrors of the care system until she's old enough to go away to uni or out to work full-time. Four years out of this selfish cow's entire life. I hope her precious lifestyle bites her in the arse.

I was "in the system" through no fault of my own as a teenager and can confirm the above. Housing a well-behaved 14yo is very different to agreeing to raise small or challenging children and when you consider what is at stake, it's almost a no-brainer. There really is something phenomenally sheltered and ignorant about most people who have never been in the system.

The thing about adults who allow children to be put into the system and abused is that somehow nothing is ever their fault and they were in a "really difficult position", which does usually look exactly like "but I want to go on holiday six times a year without a second thought".

You sound fab OP, and I really think that if your sister isn't willing to house/look after your niece she should find a way to financially support your taking her. But I suppose if your sister wanted to, she would have offered already. If worst comes to worst and your DN enters the system, she will be lucky to have a caring aunt (you) looking out for her and fighting her corner.

How did your sister walk out on her 2 x DDs ten years ago if the younger one is only 6?

I can appreciate you being disappointed that your more stable sister doesn’t want to care for one of your shared nieces but your anger is being misdirected - were you as forceful with your opinions to the children’s mother when it became clear she was not capable of caring for her progeny? Eg. letting her know that contraception /sterilisation /abortion were options that were available to her?

No one should be forced to take responsibility for children they had no involvement in making, it’s completely your DSis choice how she lives her life, her being a certain age or having a certain income does not mean that you can decide how she should spend her time and money.

Me too!

This is what it boils down to really.
We can all bleat about entitlement and peace. Of course the sister never asked for this, nor did op. I’m not saying I’d be happy about it but I would do whatever it took to keep a relative out of the care system, especially if I had the room. The notion of the sister counting down the days til she’s rid of her is horrible. I feel so sorry for the 14 year old. A useless, feckless mother and a wider family none of whom give a shit. What a sad situation for her to be in.

Sorry - I mean OP's sister's precious peace, not OP's. Typing too fast.

I hope this horrible sister who would rather subject her teenage niece to the high rates of abuse in the care system instead of giving her a home for a mere four years comes back in her next life as someone in her niece's shoes.