AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

Oh Christ, I've heard it all now.
'i safeguarded our family member by agreeing with my husband when he refused to house her and sent her away to military school while our excessively wealthy family threw money at the situation instead'
Military school, those well known academies of nurturing, love and support... Definitely trolling (and yes I've reported not just troll hunting)

I notice the insults began when I asked how people would feel if they died and their own kids were turned over to the care system instead of living with a sibling.

Finding the mirror uncomfortable, are we?

I have 3 friends who are foster mothers. Two specialise in teen placements. They are bloody amazing at what they do and quite frankly it sounds like this poor girl would be better off with them then with an aunt who can't be arsed with her.
It pisses me off when people assume that all foster carers are abusers. Most abuse occurs in families and foster carers are professionals who are well trained and well vetted.

I'm appalled by someone who would turn their well-behaved teenage niece over to the care system instead of simply giving her a home for four years.

If that doesn't upset you, then I guess you're just the same. Insult me all you like, I have right on my side, and you don't.

You seem to think those of us you’re ranting at are required to care what you think of us. We aren’t.

You’re more than welcome to think what you like about me. Getting yourself worked up like this is however, is pointless. The only person you’re managing to upset is yourself, so it’s at most an exercise in masochism.

Actually, we did support my husband's niece from age 14, who was in a bad situation. She wanted to go to military school (this is abroad) so we sent her, as it was her dream to be in the military. She's 32 now and happily ensconced in the air force of her country. She's of a different nationality, so couldn't live with us, but her troubled mother lives in the UK and I offered to have her live with us, but my husband (whose sister it is) said no. Instead, his older brother, who is very wealthy, bought the mother a flat and paid her bills. We went halves on the military school and on her uni costs that weren't paid by the military. And we also gave her more money, and pastoral support, and had her to stay.

I thought I was used to all the stone-cold hearts on MN, but this thread has really shocked me. Do people not understand how vulnerable teenage girls are to all the pervs about?

Those poor kids. But you're angry at the wrong person. This falls on the waste of oxygen parents.

It's like watching a madman rave on street corners.

If people don't feel capable of raising a child, they don't have to. And your hyperbole and mud slinging isn't going to change anyone's mind, or help the OP, so I don't really see what you get out of posting here.

This is the final time I will respond to you as I agree with a PP that the thread is getting derailed.

You are saying horrendous things about people you don’t know based on your (drunk?) interpretations of their statements on this thread.

You are coming across unhinged. It is possible to feel passionately about something without throwing abuse around at people.

To be clear, you have NO idea what I would personally do in this situation and also NO idea of my own personal experience of abuse, neglect or the care system.

I agree, bloody shameful. How would THEY like their children to be put into care by their siblings, if something should happen to them? Utterly wicked.

Cruel people deserve to be called out. And of course, they don't like to be. So now the messenger is getting shot.

I hope that all the people who have stuck up for the sister's decision reflect on how they would feel if they died and their sibling threw their own children into care at 14.

Not a nice thought, is it, Cruellas?

It's pretty sad that there are people sharing personal, and sometimes traumatic experiences in this thread and someone is steamrolling over it derailing the whole thing for their own personal entertainment. In fact it's not sad, it's bloody shameful.

You were never in a position where you had to make the choice to take in your nieces and never will be. Yet you are attacking posters who in fact have adopted children who are "not their own progeny" and who have experience of the many complications of fostering and kinship care. Your posts are pure hypocrisy. If you really cared that much, you'd look beyond your own family and foster a girl in the system who needs you. But you won't.

Over my dead body would my niece or nephew go into care. I find it unbelievable that anyone who is not living on the streets would turn a family member out like that. I would find a way.

This is what I'm suggesting - that it's not a choice between housing the 14yo or abandoning her. It may be that the best of a set of bad options is for her to be taken into care but have a high degree of involvement and oversight from family members. You're right - the most important thing is to be curious and to be unafraid to kick up a stink.

Oh, I'm the nasty piece of work? You're the one who would quite possibly put your own teenage niece into care!

But yeah, when challenged, employ DARVO. It's a good one!

Try breathing into a brown paper bag. I’ve heard it can help.

Or just step away from the thread, if only for the sake of your blood pressure, because ranting, raving and attempting to shame people really isn’t going to achieve what you seem to think it should.

Yes, that can happen too. Either can happen when a child is put into a system where no one really cares about them. I'm sorry for your experiences.

I don't think anyone has suggested that the family should walk away from the child. There are many ways to support without taking on a full time parenting role - I think you mentioned earlier about wishing you had someone who would ask questions and be curious about what is happening for example.
In my experience there are often people in the wider family who might be well placed to advocate for a young person, or deal with practical stuff like education battles, or take them out to do the fun stuff, or have them for sleepovers etc, who (for many reasons) wouldn't either be in a position to, or wouldn't be suited to, being a full time substitute parent. It would be great if every one could step up, but as much as the care system has problems, trying to keep children with relatives where it's just not a good fit, or they're doing it out of guilt, really doesn't help either. It may be if social services can find another carer and the aunt no longer feels the pressure from them of having to make it work, that she might feel more inclined to help in other ways.

Many people are only interested in their own progeny and, as we can see on this thread, would be happy to subject a niece to the abuse of the care system. That's what I meant. God, having my nieces over to the care system would have ripped my heart out of my chest. I do not understand how anyone can have so little love for their niece that they would throw her to the dogs like this.

This is a difficult, upsetting topic and I think this thread is taking a sneery and dismissive direction. I don't think anyone is under the illusion that kinship care is always possible, or the best option.

OP, I wish you and your DN the very best. Whatever happens, she will need a caring relative like you looking out for her.

you are ridiculous. I was adopted out of the care system by people who absolutely did not want me. it was hell on earth. I would much rather have grown up in the care system.

You are a nasty piece of work. I hope no one vulnerable actually needs you.

Hyperbole much? No one has said they would happily let their niece be raped.