AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

This.

It's really sad for your niece, but the blame should sit squarely with your feckless sister that abandoned her children, and with your niece's father.

So you make insulting insinuations and generalisations about how the girl must hate living with her aunt and then you suggest the aunt should be “shamed” into keeping the arrangement going?

I would personally track your arse of a sister down that abandoned her and drag her sorry arse back. Getting annoyed at your other sister and saying she has a cold heart isn’t appropriate. Why have you let that dead beat off the hook so readily?

Hhhmmmmm, somethings not adding up here, eh 🤔

The kinship payment pilot to which you refer is taking place in seven local authorities; meanwhile relative carers in the other 310 LAs in England will continue to not receive a bean. The Mockingbird ‘support’ system reaches only four per cent of foster carers, despite having millions and millions of pounds poured into it by the government-funded Fostering Network. There is a crisis of recruitment and retention within fostering and adopter numbers have just fallen to their lowest levels ever. Reparenting society’s most vulnerable and traumatised children is a Sisyphean task, with no meaningful support. The government announces new initiatives in an attempt to recruit new carers and adopters but takes away with the other hand. The government last year cut by nearly half the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund, a pot of money designed to enable society’s most vulnerable children ie those legally severed from their families of origin access therapeutic support.

The point is that no one can force another adult to parent someone else’s child. Everyone here who thinks it’s straightforward and easy as well as morally incumbent on another person has only to phone their local fostering team or regional adoption agency today to start the ball rolling on their application process.

Everyone says they’d absolutely have to take her in but no one is in her particular scenario.

She may have work issues, mental health issues, physical health issues that people (even family) aren't aware of. The poor girl needs love and stability and support and if your sister can’t offer that she’s doing the right thing by admitting that.

Your anger is misplaced btw, it should be reserved for your sibling who got into this situation and abandoned their DC.

Stop judging your sister.

I have done some foster care. I made sure that kid was very well cared for and engaged in our family.

That said, your sister has chosen no children, or at least resigned herself to a life she has built that doesn't include children. She doesn't have to take it on. It's not her fault your niece's parents aren't up to the task.

I would even argue that it will be easier for you, who is in the midst of that busy family time where children are growing up, to add another one than it is for a person, for who it is a much bigger change, to take on. At least your sister is honest about her capabilities. That is best for everyone involved.

Poor kid. I can’t imagine that living with a resentful, single god-botherer in their 40’s is a barrel of laughs. I can’t imagine that she feels loved at all.
I would be tempted to have a chat with DSis’s pastor/priest (whatever) and let them know the situation. Your sis might be offered help and attention from the church and might be shamed into keeping her.

I think a lot of posters are very naïve about the realities of what taking in a potentially very traumatised young lady would involve. They need to be in a home where they can be properly supported, ideally by people with a lot of knowledge of the support she will need and how to provide it.

Being forced into a situation just because someone is related doesn’t guarantee good outcomes. Infact it can add to the trauma further.

While there are horror stories of the care system it is absolutely not the case that it’s inevitable that she will end up on the street or being abused if she is housed with foster carers. Complete nonsense and scaremongering. Most foster carers are decent and hard working people. The sister HAS also taken this girl in but does not feel able to carry on caring for her which she is entitled to choose. My guess is she’s not a quiet little angel as the OP described and that it’s not due to the sisters social life that she’s declining to continue. I’d direct the anger to the fucking idiot parents who had 8 kids between them and then walked out on them.

Also who are the other adults in the sister’s household?

It's not a given that she'll have a shitty life in care and it's not a given that she'll have a better life living with relatives who don't want her living with them. A relative of mine is a foster carer who has looked after lots of very troubled children and they're both absolutely brilliant parents, far better than the birth families where drugs, criminality, abuse and domestic violence has led to the children to be removed.

It's not the sister you're talking about who's at fault here, but your other sister and her partner who had multiple children and then abandoned them. Having said that, who are the three other adults your sister lives with and can't they jointly care for the 14 YO to share the load? But if the other adults are her grown up DC, she may feel she's done her share of parenting of the children she chose to have.

I think you’re projecting your anger at the wrong sister. Don’t get me wrong this situation is absolutely awful for the children involved but your sister shouldn’t feel forced to uproot her life based on your other sisters poor decision making.

It’s an incredibly sad situation but I think you’re being unfair to be so resentful that she doesn’t want the responsibility of a child.

People who don't have kids should not have them. It's not your sisters fault your brother is a bum. She doesn't owe anyone her home, time and money. She has no kids I the home? Maybe because she bloody well doesn't want kids!

It's not just 'suck it up for a few years'. What if the kid wants to go to uni? Will that be her responsibility too or will you have saved enough ny then to contribute your share? Hmm...

Childfree doesn't mean free babysitter for everyone else's kids.

Thank you for pointing out what vulnerable teenage girls face in the care system and the likelihood of terrible outcomes.

But holidays!

Right back atcha.

It's truly unbelievable, isn't it. And yet there are so many on this thread. They really do walk among us.

It's not a small amount of DNA, actually. You share the same amount of DNA with a nibling as you would with a grandparent or half-sibling. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that most normal people feel love for their vulnerable young family members, whether they are related by blood, marriage, or adoption.

It seems to me that you are the only grownup among the sisters.

If this 14yo goes into 'care' she will end up on the streets very quickly, and is at huge risk of being trafficked, caught up in county lines, or falling into despair and addiction.

Try to get past the anger and see what you could honestly offer this poor child.

And to add - I just did a quick google and haven’t looked into this in depth, but quite a few articles popped up indicating some fairly recent funding and policy commitments which lend credence to what I suggested. So no actually even in 2026 it’s not unheard of to get the kind of support I mentioned.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx2lyzr6z0vo

“Foster parents could soon be given funding to build an extension to their homes to enable them to care for more children”

https://www.myfamilyourneeds.co.uk/news/fostering-rules-relaxed-and-88-million-extra-funding-provided/

“It is also stated that help with be offered for people to make home improvements, such as extending their homes, and an increase in practical day-to-day support for families through schemes like the Mockingbird programme run by The Fostering Network.”

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-launches-investment-in-support-for-kinship-carers

The government is now trialling a financial allowance to eligible kinship carers, backed by £126 million to reach around 5,000 children, recognising the vital role carers play in the lives of their vulnerable children.
This starts with a pilot in the seven local authority area Kinship Zones announced today, with kinship carers to be provided with funding per child, equivalent to what foster carers receive.

I know a family that has umpteen children.
So many that I could never count.
They always lived in the same house in our small town and they were always clean and wore clean clothes to school.
But wow there must’ve been 15 or 16 kids!!
And they were all nice and kind.
So looking back I think they must’ve been loved. And they must’ve loved each other.

Crowded is good. Loved is good.
Abandoned is catastrophic, don’t you think?
I do. Who gives a rat’s ass about what the aunt does or says or doesn’t do or say - concentrate on that little girl and there will always be room if there’s love in your heart.

I chose to have kids. Got one and lost two. I’d step up to take on any of my 4 nieces. Why bother posting if you aren’t even willing to have skin in the game 🙄 silly to post if you have nothing to compare it to! BTW other people with family ties would be willing to take on the kids who need help, love and security

I agree that your sister is selfish. Have you talked to social services yet about fostering her? In some cases, it could mean getting a payment to foster, which you could use to get a bigger space or adapt your current house. I don't know whether they would pay for an extension, as it's not my area, but I know people who fostered and were financially supported so they could get a bigger place to live and pay for the child's needs. It was about 9/10 years ago.

So much BS on these threads

Did you really have to be so unpleasant?

I appreciate it’s been a while since I’ve worked in SS hence I did mention the date I left to clarify my experience isn’t recent . And I posed what I was saying as possible suggestions based on my experience. If you don’t think it’s likely that may well be the case but no need to be so rude about it.

IME back then it did vary from area to area and I know the Borough I worked in was better than some for foster carers. So it may also depend on where Op lives which none of us know .

I haven’t heard about any recent home extensions but I do know the LA I worked for does offer help for kinship carers to this day as two of my friends still work for them and separately I know a kinship carers in another borough.

They receive kinship foster care payments, additional help for the children in school eg. Extra tutoring and also invitations to certain cultural activities that are organised for children in care. They also had access to a child psychologist for a number of sessions when they needed it.

To be fair your sister didn’t choose this situation and she’s every right not to like it. Whilst the majority of us would put-up and shut-up and just do the right thing for the child even if we didn’t really want to, your sister is actually brave to say ‘no’ this doesn’t work for her. Maybe she finds having the responsibility of a child too much and just can’t cope. She also knows you’ll not let the child go into care so she can live with you.

It looks as though you’re the only one willing to step-up. Unfortunately you need to make it work at yours.

The blame of the situation lays with your niece’s parents not the sister you’re currently angry with.

You sound like a lovely person OP and both your niece’s are lucky to have you in their corner. I hope it works out for you all.