AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

@ForCosyLion

I understand that you find the thought of it very upsetting, and yes, it's very unlikely the lady in question will see it. But I think it still comes across as a bit hypocritical to condemn another's name-calling when you have engaged in name-calling which is arguably just as bad.

That is not to say that you deserve to be insulted, but you could have tried to moderate your own behaviour a bit more, I think.

I doubt the sister will ever see it, and I did get very upset at the idea of someone being able to help a teen niece but choosing to put her into care. That is a very upsetting thought to me. The OP seemed to think that the niece was not disruptive and that the sister didn't have any good reason to put her into care, but since she hasn't come back to shed any further light on either, I can't think of much else to say.

For your own good, I'm not going to respond to you any more.

I think that’s best for everyone.

@ForCosyLion

While I don't think you should be insulted, you yourself have said some horrendous things yourself about the OP's sister, as well as general nasty statements about people who would choose not to take in a relative. So you don't really have the moral high-ground when it comes to name-calling.

For your own good, I'm not going to respond to you any more.

I wish you a nice day, a hot bath, and a satisfying cup of tea.

I don’t see how me calling someone a gobshite (which is hardly calling for them to be burned at the stake) counts as “harassment” or “calling them names relentlessly”. Or are you trying to suggest I’m harassing you? If so, I really don’t think “That’s different - I’m saying EVERYONE is evil and disgusting” is really a defence.

And if we’re talking harassment, why are you following me around other threads?

You don't think that is a good reason for couldn't?

If you would like more information about my family circumstances here's a few:

• my SEN DSD would have been severely disrupted
• my husband said he had done his parenting and was not going to start again with a teenager
• He actually said he would have to reconsider our relationship.

Are these good enough reasons for you?

Or how about my nephew saying, in the most horrible and strenuous terms, that he didn't want to live with any of his aunts and uncles?

Will that do?

I don't actually owe you any explanation but there is more going on than you are aware and I will not be lectured to by a stranger on the internet about my motivation for not looking after my nephew.

Som people choose not to be parents. So it’s understandable they may not want to take in a siblings child.

Im sorry but it’s not black and white. Having a niece or nephew stay for a few nights or weeks is one thing. Having someone else’s child is another - even a relative.

Maybe the sister wants the freedom to be able to live where she wants , so a jobs she wants. It’s not her fault her niece is in the situation is it ?!

Ah, but I said that anyone who would turn out their niece into care for no good reason was these things. Anyone. I didn't target one poster and harass them and call them names relentlesly.

Do your blood pressure a big favour and have a cup of nice hot tea or something.

You cannot presume to judge my behaviour when you’re calling people sick, wicked, despicable and dishing out various other hyperbolic insults. The wounded angel act won’t wash.

I said on this message board so she could read it. I didn't mean to contact her directly. As you know.

I saw you're harassing people on the parcels thread too, calling the OP a gobshite and shouting at her. You're a real peach.

More sinister than you offering to send your thoughts on this directly to the OP’s sister? Because that was plain old unhinged.

I’m perfectly okay, thanks. It’s you that needs help.

And I said: And yes, of course she might have trauma such as attachment issues etc., but as long as she's not a danger to life, limb, or property, or acting out like bringing drug dealers home and such, then it's a crying shame that this aunt wants to put this well-behaved teenage girl in care, imo.

Still, never let the facts get in the way of a good rant, eh!

You've called me vile, toxic, deranged, demented, the worst person you've ever seen on MN, an absolutely awful person and have said that I don't want to know what your fondest wish is for me, which is pretty sinister.

Seriously, are you OK?

Of course no one would want it. Nobody wants to live in the breadline either, or have a life limiting condition or a terrible accident. But it happens.

Sometimes life is shit.

The post says that the niece is well-behaved.

Jesus, your obsessive repetition of this phrase is bordering on deranged. It is possible to be “well-behaved” AND traumatised. As others have said, she doesn’t have to be hitting people or smashing the place up to need a damn sight more support than being stuck in the back bedroom and getting three meals a day. Raising a teenager is hard enough at the best of times, without having to factor in existing trauma and what could still come out.

Having said that, since her witch of an aunt doesn't want her, she's probably better off out of there. She'll just have to take her chances in the care system. At least she only has four more years until adult life. If she wants to go to uni, and gets in, since she effectively has no parents she'll be able to apply as an independent student and get the max maintenance loan. And maybe financial aid.

I do so hope this young person is able to make the best of her life.

Nobody here would want their child put into care, and nobody would want to be put into care themselves as a teen, and yet some people have all the excuses in the world as to why this aunt is justified in turning her out of her home and into the care system.

If there is no big back-story that OP hasn't told us, I think it's despicable of her.

And yes, of course she might have trauma such as attachment issues etc., but as long as she's not a danger to life, limb, or property, or acting out like bringing drug dealers home and such, then it's a crying shame that this aunt wants to put this well-behaved teenage girl in care, imo. Icy cold.

Eh? I don't work in the care system and have never claimed any such thing.

I've read your posts and don't even think you work in the care system. I hope not anyway. You seem uninformed. Not possible to not have trauma with her background. Being well behaved can be a symptom. Most kids with trauma don't smash up rooms. It might not manifest for years but she'll have trauma. Likely attachment issues. Poor lass.

I said room, not a room. Of course the teen needs more than a room.

Although, your own room away from troubled peers would surely be a boon compared to being in care.

Well, I'm going on what the OP said. If the niece had significant trauma and is smashing up her room etc. then the aunt might have a point, but that is not what OP said. Her post does not indicate that the aunt has to be a "carer". The niece is not unwell or disabled, as far as we know. Poor kid probably just needs a safe space away from the care system, meals, and some moral support and love. PP are determined to make out like the niece is some massive problem, but that is not what the post says. The post says that the niece is well-behaved.

If there's a bigger backstory, I'd love to hear it, but OP has not been back.

A PP said they find my views of the care system to be insulting because of the good carers working in it. Of course there are some good ones, but how do you ensure that your niece goes to one of those? The care system as a whole is noted for its bad outcomes overall. That is reality. A few good carers is not enough to stop the abuses and horrors of the system.

Then, you have to consider that in care, the 14-year-old niece will be exposed to peers who may well be severely more troubled than she is. Peer influences are important at that age, and the last thing she needs is to be around people with more issues than her - especially as their influence will be larger in the absence of caring family.

And on top of that, the niece is currently with family, but will be turfed out into the care system. I can't imagine what that will do to her.

Anyway, the sister is counting the days until the niece is gone, so let's all hope for the best for her. Hopefully she'll get put with a good foster family, and she is 14 not 6, so hopefully will be able to advocate for herself if anything untoward happens to her.

Poor thing, though. Some young people have it so hard, while others are adored and spoiled. I don't think I'm ever going to get over the unfairness of life. 😡

The words 'basic' and 'humanity' come to play.

PP have made up that this teen is traumatised and has lots of problems which are bad enough to be very difficult to handle. Everyone is ignoring the fact that the OP has said nothing of the sort and that the teen is well-behaved. I am going on what the OP's post says, not extrapolating.