Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

Yes she has. Calling the house disgusting is pretty snarky

Probably. And, according to MN, it's the OP who's 'broken the code' by needing to use a toilet outside her own home.

She should have gone before she set off and then just waited until she got back.

So she caused her DS to panic and give a stupid answer when she made the entirely unexpected and unreasonable request to enter his home and use his toilet without prior written notice.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta "She has admitted she’s make snarky comments before. And a natural consequence of that is that you aren’t given the chance to do that again. I know how I would (and have) reacted over something similar. Perhaps people should think about what they say before they open their mouths"

Wtf? The OP hasn't made any snarky comments.

They must be on Mumsnet, inspired by the many, many “AIBU about workmen shitting in my toilet” threads.

I’m not replying to all of the comments individually that are basically saying the same thing. I know it isn’t the girlfriend’s house. I’m not saying she had a right to stop OP coming in, I’m saying that’s a potential reason someone would feel uncomfortable. It’s the son’s choice, not hers.

@User086758 I don’t refuse to let people use my bathroom if needed. Sometimes it can backfire, like I said in a previous comment where my MIL ‘used our toilet’ and was still there hours later. It’s happened more than once. Anyone who knows anything about autism should know this is uncomfortable.

Trust me, no autistic person thinks the entire world needs to work around their needs. That’s the problem, we know it doesn’t and we have to try and work to adjust to everyone else’s needs and wants which leads to overstimulation, shutdowns and meltdowns.

I can’t see where she’s “admitted” that?

Sorry but sometimes my neurodivergence interferes with my hosting skills. However I don’t expect the world to revolve around my needs.

But thanks for conceding that autistic people CAN have basic human decency.

Being painfully shy or lacking confidence or not liking meeting new people isn't 'severe anxiety' though.

Severe anxiety, or anxiety disorders, are recognized, diagnosable mental illnesses.

She hasn’t said anywhere that she has made snarky comments. She thought the bathroom was disgusting and cleaned it but she doesn’t say she actually said anything. If it’s that bad the son and his girlfriend will know without her saying anything.

You think the son should leave his girlfriend????

The girlfriend doesn’t live there. And he’s perfectly capable, if unwilling, to put on a pair of Marigolds.

His house I bet is filfthy. My son did this with his ex. The house ended up being full of cats and disgusting. I would encourage him to leave her if thats the situation.

I agree this could be a strong possibility! His son promised he would not let his mum in because of the mess and he explained it all wrong and didn’t intend any harm to OP

Severe anxiety isn't always a mental illness, I was painfully shy up as a child and probably still haven't grown out of tantrums if someone pees me off, from about 2008 until about 2014 had not been on a bus or really been out of flat so lost confidence and would only get on bus with my mum and go with my mum to job centre a couple of times til I gained my confidence, some ppl just dont like new ppl or aren't confident in groups, it doesn't mean they are mentally ill.

RE the "too messy to let Mum in" theory, I've "been there" (sort of), having moved back from abroad with stacks of stuff, a tiny temporary studio, and "no time" to tidy up or put my things in storage. My issue wasn't dirt, but just that it was almost impossible to get from my front door to the bathroom or kitchen without knocking something over if you weren't familiar with the layout. It was embarrassing AND a hassle and I used every plausible excuse to avoid having people in my flat. Letting someone use the loo when dropping me off from an outing together was the one exception, and it did cause me some stress. But saying "no you can't use the bathroom" to someone who'd come three and a half hours to see me and was headed straight back home, though? That would have been going too far.

It's ultimately up to him if he lets you in or not, but under the circumstances it does seem unusually mean not to. The girlfriend story makes no sense; as you've said "she could go into another part of the home" while you came in JUST to use the loo. Or she could have gone home until your son let her know you had left.

Him having a reason doesn't mean it was a good or justifiable one.

There's no good reason not to let someone who's driven long distance to see you use your toilet. Especially your own mother, who has a health condition that requires bathroom access.

The reason he gave her was nonsense, and had a very simple solution. Same for every other suggested reason on this thread.

If your child behaves poorly, contrary to how you've raised them, you don't just have to accept that. You can be disappointed, or upset, and you can tell them so.

But it’s not the GFs home and she was aware that OP was out with her son so the thought would surely cross her mind they’d nip back, especially as OPs car was on her sons drive

Where has OP admitted snarky comments?

I have to say, screw "the son's boundaries" , his behaviour is borderline abusive.

The OP has a longterm health condition which seemingly impacts on her day to day activities. She may not use this term, but that is a disability. Denying a disabled person access to a toilet for pretty much any reason is horrendous behaviour.

My husband and I have a rocky relationship. One of the first eye-opening moments for me was when I was postpartum with newborn twins. I had a bad tear so still recovering from stitches. We were out in our local town and I kept needing a wee, urgently.

H refused to stop.

I am a level-headed, practical, resilient person - but I still remember the humiliating panic of worrying I might have an accident in public. I honestly felt at that moment that I hated him.

Leaving your own mum to wet herself on your driveway, or more likely all over her car upholstery if she is desperately trying to find a loo in an area she doesn't know - there is no excuse for that, none.

Well especially when it's not even your bloody house. The OP's son should have said 'my mum is driving a long way to see me, so if you really don't want to meet her you'd better make sure you aren't here when we get back.'

Instead, it's quite likely that we have a situation where immediately before the son left to meet him mum for lunch, his GF said 'please don't bring your mum in here afterwards. I am not in the mood to meet her.'

And he, precisely because he's learnt to pussyfoot around her anxiety and MH, has acquiesced for an easy life. He won't risk a meltdown from his girlfriend, he'd rather offend and upset his mum.

Reading between the lines, it's weird how mum visits from hundreds of miles away and only goes out to lunch and into town with her son. So the GF was clearly in no state to join them on what would be an obvious family trip.

Maybe she was rotting on the sofa and the entire home looks like a mess and she would have flipped out if "MIL" came in and saw her like that. So the son didn't know what to say aside from not letting his mum come in.

I imagine if she felt the need to start scrubbing her young adult son's toilet bowl on a social visit it probably was disgusting. And if his mother who's just cleaned it can't tell him so, who can? 😅

My initial thought was that his place is a mess and he's too embarrassed for you to see it.

I wonder whether the girlfriend was an excuse and either the place is a right mess and he’s embarrassed or there’s something else he doesn’t want you to see?

It's unusual, but not freakishly so. I was a supported officer for a few years. We had several tenants who wouldn't let tradesmen etc into their homes, which made getting the required gas safety inspections done very bloody difficult.

I don't think my DB would have anyone in his house now. He certainly wouldn't let me and my late DP in when we went to take him out for lunch for his 50th birthday. He used to have a friend who visited, but the friend lives 150 miles away now, so they only see each other when they meet up halfway.

Not if she didn’t express it no, l don’t. She told the thread it was disgusting - doesn’t mean she said it directly to him and there’s no evidence that she did.