Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the girl. She may well not even exist. I think he just used her as an excuse.

It's more likely to be
A. His toilet is fucking grim or
B. He's doing something in the house he doesn't want you to know about.

Well dismissing the Ops feelings over this to accommodate her son and new gf is just centering them as more important, the op has an urgency issue him refusing his mother use of a toilet is upsetting and she might have panicked that she could pee herself, but don't upset the "kids" eh !

I think k it's weird that a son or daughter can live with someone in a long-term relationship that the parents have never met

Ok so this is why. They know you judge the state of the flat. He’s told her about this sort of stuff. She thinks you will judge her then spend hours in the kitchen making it less disgusting. I expect that is all it is.

I wonder this ^ as well. He is 23, he thinks differently OP, he doesn’t understand the concept of urgent need for toilet but he remembers being embarrassed about you cleaning his toilet in your last visit. He probably thought that you were checking on him. It’s the classic way to do this - its used in movies all the time

Imo you should have said: Jack, I really really need to go to the toilet . Because if you ask “can” question - there is only 50% chance of getting yes.

OP has said she knows of this GF and her son has talked about her issues before. So it’s not really out of thin air, just a convenient excuse as OP already knows the GF has some mental health problems. Plumbing issues would definitely be an easier excuse though!

You've judged his home as disgusting before and haven't forgotten about it.

That will be why.

The girlfriend probably has anxiety, yes, but also, he probably can't face the judgment because his home is unlikely up to your standards.

It's horrible suddenly needing the toilet and not being near one, but I don't think his house was ever an option, and you wasted time in arguing with him about it.

I suspect your ds keeps a messy toilet and was embarrassed to let his mother see.

Nothing remotely odd about a mother popping in her adult child's home to use the loo.

I am despairing of how peculiar and socially maladjusted people are becoming, particularly Gen Z. It has gone beyond anything that can be excused imo.

OP YANBU, I would be upset and hurt too. I would also be worried that his gf severe mental health issues are normalizing this messed up level of dysfunction and affecting his own ability to live normally.

I'm not saying it was his most glorious moment, just that it isn't a malice, and he was kind of trying to keep his word.

I can imagine he might even felt taken aback because he might have felt that you'd discussed it before (some kind of, "so you'll just use the drive and than we will go...", implying not going into the house).

It's not unreasonable to need a loo - but it does break the "not going inside" plan.

Sounds like the girlfriend has severe mental illness or something else going on like drugs?

Of course he has the right, but rights don't always equate to reasonable behaviour. He has the right to do all sorts of things if he really wants, like sing opera in her face every time she talks or wear a shirt with an embarrassing photo of her on it.

Yoh “don’t know how to move forwards from this”? Dramatic much? He didn’t let you use the loo, talk about turn it into something absolutely massive.

He sounds like he’s stuck between two difficult women

Not wanting people in your home is fine - but having them meet you right outside is odd.

If you don't want people to come in meet somewhere esle hopefully convenient to both of you - it's how most people would manage that situation - it's less pointed and rude then denying entry while they are stood at the door during a pre-arranged meeting. Obviously if they just truned up you have no choice but to stand there not letting them in.

It's very odd to have them at meet at your front door with no intention of letting them in especially if you know there may be toilet issues because that does smack of rudeness and will obviously upset the other party.

This was my thinking - maybe the toilet was filthy and he'd only cleaned the parts of the house you were going to be in. Or maybe there's something else going on.

I'd let it go this once op but I'd make it clear to him next time you are visiting that you may need to use the loo and because of your health its not OK for him to decline.

I would be less upset and more worried. Drugs.

I think chill a bit. It almost certainly isn’t personal. I really don’t like people ‘popping in’ unexpectedly for any reason. She probably didn’t want to ‘hide in the bedroom’. But she probably also didn’t feel ‘ready to meet the MIL’. Maybe she wasn’t dressed. Maybe the flat was a tip. Maybe she suspected you didn’t just want to use the loo and that in fact would expect to sit having tea on their sofa, checking out the flat and her. He probably didn’t communicate it that well - she might have said it more politely . Try and move on and not hold it against them, and don’t expect free access to your son’s flat, he’s an adult now.

Absolutely this. It seems sometimes anxiety is "I don't want to do that and can't think of a way to tackle it". Why are people so ill equipped to face potentially uncomfortable situations?

And no, I'm not insulting the people who have genuine anxiety disorder, nor specifically referring to the GF in question really.

It's really worrying.

He didn't let you in the door of the flat at all? Definitely hiding stuff he doesn't want his mum seeing. Could be anything really

Sorry you have been treated like this by your son.
Out of interest, does your son have ANY history of anxiety or OCD?
The girlfriend could have been a "cover", as
a person with OCD (treated), I remember it was painful to let someone visit my apartment or use the toilet, even my own mother.
That was over 20 years ago and the OCD is mild now.
Possible explanation. Common sense should still have won.

Does she think you're a tradesman?
Joking apart, it's probably about the state of the loo.
Other than that, I hope the poor woman is getting help.

I probably would have said “look I don’t care if it’s messy just let me in for a wee please” and if he carried on with the anxious gf thing I would say she can just stay in the bedroom if needs be.

My money is on it was messy personally. I remeber when I first moved in with DH while we were getting into the routine we lived in squalor for a month or so.

I mean it'd be a ridiculous excuse to pull out of thin air if he was trying to hide something.

If he'd have said "Sorry mum the toilet's broken, we've got a plumber coming later..." that'd have been the end of it 😅

I think the GFs issues must be quite serious to require that level of accommodation, more serious than you realised perhaps OP? I live with someone who has serious MH issues and it can be extremely difficult.

I would get out of the situation if I were your son OP. It’s no way to live if you don’t have to. Life is hard enough.

While we're making up scenarios, maybe he knew that if he went against his girlfriend's arbitrary restrictions he would be subjected to a barrage of emotional abuse from her.