Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

Where in the OP does it mention the word crazy, although this is the weirdest thing I've read on MN to date (which is saying something). Not allowing your own mother to have a wee in your house?

I'm not sure who's more to blame for the sheer absurdity. The son for thinking it was ok, or for the girlfriend to expect it (if she even did which I doubt).

Interesting that the vote and the comments are quite opposite.

94% of people who voted say the OP isn't being unreasonable to be upset her DS wouldn't let her in to use the toilet when she was desperate.

Yet most of the comments are saying he was quite reasonable and are excusing quite extreme behaviour from him and the GF.

YANBU This is appalling behaviour from your son particularly he know you have a medical need to use the toilet urgently on occasion.
Your son also seems to be unable to prioritise when faced with a dilema.
I can see his stess if his GF suffers anxiety and didnt want to meet you at that moment but he should have said i need to let my gf know so she can feel safe in the bedroom and you can nip to the loo.
As it happened your son chose to leave you in potential discomfort when he had options to meet his gf needs too.
Which is worrying and i'm wondering if he may be scared of her?
Did you say anything when he said no?
I would have said i really need the loo,please could you assure your gf i wont meet her?
Im would be wondering if this was an excuse and something else is going on with them or in the house that he doesn't want you to see?

But it’s the son’s home, and he’s not the one with the MH problem, so the fact that it’s untidy at times is down to his scruffiness, not a mental health issue. The point here is that OP’s son didn’t communicate that his GF was in the house - if he had, OP could have used the loo while they were out. A 2.5 hour journey pre arranged is hardy popping in unannounced.

Your son was being VU. Has he called or messaged or anything since? Ideally to apologise?

The OP didn't show up randomly. It WAS expected. She was driving a long way, and meeting at the flat before going out. I'd be more surprised if someone didn't want to pop in in those circumstances.

Also, almost crying because your son won’t let you use his loo? Come on. Sounds pretty dramatic.

I think it's ridiculous he didn't let you use the loo. Reading your updates it may have been the girlfriend, or that might have been an excuse whe he doesn't want you to see his messy home. He should've let you. However

I left close to tears that he would do this to me.

I think that's a bit over the top. Talk to him about it maybe, but then move on. He just has some growing up to do

I know his home is sometimes a mess, on my last visit I throughly cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. It was disgusting.

Bingo! He's let it get in a state again and was anticipating the disappointment from you. If you had arranged to meet up and go out he had no intention of inviting you in, so didn't think he had to bother cleaning up for you, you obviously caught him off guard and he had to think on the fly.

The girlfriend may have actually been there, but he didn't want her to overhear you berating him for letting it get in such a state again, because it is embarrassing to be told off by your mum.. only you know how that conversation would have gone.

You could tell him how awkward/upsetting you found it, and see if he will spill the beans on the truth of the matter.

Exactly. It sounds like she doesn't even live there yet was being used as a reason to deny basic hospitality to the OP.

If my parent spoke about my living situation like this, I sure as hell wouldn’t want them popping in to use the loo unannounced either.

I went through a period of serious depression during which I also suffered with bulimia and my flat (and especially the loo) looked like something out of a true crime documentary. But I barely had the energy to get out of bed, let alone clean up after myself.

I didn’t want anyone even peeking inside my flat for months, let alone coming inside and using the bathroom. At some point I had to let my parents in and thankfully they saw it for what it was; not me being “disgusting” but in a really tough spot and unable to take care of myself.

I’m not saying that’s what’s going on with your son and his girlfriend - it could be a million other things - but from what you’ve written here and the way you’ve written it, I’m honestly not surprised that he didn’t want you in there.

Er, l don’t see the word ‘crazy’ anywhere in that post. Seems reasonable to assume that the girl has a fairly severe MH problem if she’s so anxious he can’t even let his own mother into his home to pee.

What a bloody farce. Your son needs to get himself out of this unhealthy relationship now but he is an adult so will have to find out the hard way. How on earth did he manage to meet this woman that has such crippling anxiety she can't meet anyone new ? She has no business being in a relationship with anyone and will ruin your son's life. Mention to him how hurt you felt that he would ignore your health condition and that the whole situation is not normal/ Leave it at that.

If you're goint to exercise the right to not have someone in your home, you need to give them some warning of that if it's unusual. And it IS unusual not to allow someone to pop in to use the loo once they've travelled 2.5 hours to reach you!

Also it's the DS's home, not the girlfriend's.

Indeed this. You shouldn’t really hold this against your son and you shouldn’t have made it even more difficult by asking again after he said no with a difficult reason. Probably you should feel very sorry for his GF. Her life must be a terrible struggle every day. The arrangement was not in the house for good reason.

It’s likely the place wasn’t clean and he (and maybe his GF) were embarrassed to have anyone come in, especially as you cleaned the place last time and thought it was disgusting. They probably didn't anticipate you asking to use the loo as the whole meet up was taking place outside of the house - he probably expected you’d use the loo where you had lunch? Although given the medical issues you mentioned, this was probably an oversight from him. If I was meeting a relative near their place but the plan was fully outside of it, I wouldn’t ask to go in and would use the loo elsewhere (eg nearby cafe) to avoid intruding

Have you spoken to him about it since?

My guesss is that the bathroom was disgusting with urine stains all over the lid and seat and probably dried poo in the bowl and it was more embarrassment at the thought of you seeing it as opposed to there being an issue with his girlfriend.

God, I'm sorry, op. That is dreadful behaviour. He must be terrified of his girlfriend's reaction to have treated you so badly. I think it's probably best that you gloss over it for now and cross your fingers this relationship ends soon.

Exactly. She's his mother. It wouldn't occur to her that he wouldn't let her in to use the toilet so probably thought 'I'll go to the loo at his house' before setting off, perhaps passed over another opportunity or just that it had been some time since she last went so now needed to go again.

Being unable to access a toilet unexpectedly when you thought you'd be able to is distressing because then the 'I will piss myself very soon' panic then sets in. You barely notice or care what state the toilet and it's surroundings are in, because when you've got to go, you've got to go.

I know his home is sometimes a mess, on my last visit I throughly cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. It was disgusting.

Nothing to see here, folks. It has to be a crazy girlfriend.

Id bet hes got a grow on op 🤣 its the only explanation for such madness from him.

I would be texting him and tell him how upset you are. That he knows when you need to go you need to go and that caused more stress to you as you had to find somewhere quickly. And point out his gf could have moved to another room

I would then say that if she is not prepared to meet you you understood but if you bust again can she please accept that you will need to use the toilet or she stays elsewhere.

personally I would not be visiting again until she’s gone

To answer your question, because they can and they get away with it.