Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

Is it the same with her own parents? I'll bet it's not.

Similar problem in my family for over 20 years! DIL has issues with people in her house and sadly this wasn’t sorted by therapy so we just accept it. I really think we shouldn’t have accepted it because every year the issues multiply. Can’t even go to the front door now. If I could turn the clock back I’d have said something to DS, don’t know what though.

But that isn’t what happened is it ? OP has clarified that her son didn’t tell her the GF would be there, so there was no prior agreement for OP not to come in - she didn’t know GF was even in the house.

The son didn't even ask the girlfriend, she might have been fine staying in another room out of the way, she might not even have been there, but the son just said no. The girlfriend was not involved in any way.

Personally I think she was just an excuse.

Sure, but the time and place to have that conversation is during that plenty of notice, not on the doorstep "I'm really hurt that you won't let me in the house when your girlfriend is there, I feel her anxiety is being overplayed/use to control you/whatever", not "I understand, that must he hard for you both, of course I won't come in....oh actually now I'm here can I not just use the loo?"

I’d be really annoyed at your son but I’d actually be quite concerned about him too!

It’s his house and he can have whoever he likes in it.
All he had to do was run in and tell her to wait in the bedroom.

Do you think she could be abusive/controlling?

I would speak and not say you’re annoyed but just ask if that happens often.
Is he allowed friends around still etc

Do they live together?

It's just awful how the needs of those with mental health issues trump everyone else's.
You weren't going to force your company on her you just needed the loo.

To deny a parent access to a toilet is behind rude, it is absolutely appalling.

In your position OP I would be contacting DS and saying how distressed you were at not being allowed to use his loo but also state that you’re concerned for his girlfriend……keep it kind. But also tell him he was unfair to not pre-warn you before you left the lunch venue. I think all three need to take some responsibility on this…..DS, OP and girlfriend who could surely have secreted herself in the bedroom couldn’t she?

Thats ridiculous. Could the girlfriend not have sat in a different room? I’m afraid I’d be telling him that was unacceptable

Do you tend to treat your son's boundaries as optional since you are his mum?

It's pretty tough on a loving mum whose door is always open to have children with boundaries that extend to not allowing them over the threshold of their own home though, isn't it? Especially when he had plenty of notice that she was visiting. Too many young adult children want to take everything from their parents but give absolutely nothing back.

At 23 my parents had been married for 4 years with a house, jobs, a 2 year old and a new baby.

This is ridiculous behaviour for an adult. And I'm saying this with someone with anxiety myself.

I wouldn’t disagree with that at all. My issue with this poster was the offensive way they described someone with a clearly significant mental health problem.

It’s not what anyone wants for their child is it, to be in that sort of relationship? Life is hard enough.
I say that as the mother of someone with serious MH issues. I know enough that I would tell my other children to run from a relationship like that.

@zoovo Do you tend to treat your son's boundaries as optional since you are his mum?

Just thinking - you came in and cleaned his flat, which unless he asked you to is actually a pretty aggressive thing to do to another adult because you are asserting control over his space. And now you agreed to his rule about not coming in (whether you think it was reasonable or not, you did agree) and then unilaterally decided it was ok to bend it to "Not come in unless I reeeally need the loo".

I am reminded of my dad - mostly lovely but with a tendency to rise roughshod over others at times because he simply didn't see them as quite as important as him.

We booked our wedding at a private venue that was a family home when not being used for events. He was paying some of the costs and wanted to see it so we took him up. We explained several times that we could see the outside but we couldn't go inside because it wasn't a hotel, it was a private house. So of course after looking round the outside gardens he decided he needed the loo. We could have driven 5 minutes to several pubs but he "really couldn't see why it was a problem" to just ask the venue owners. Which he did. And of course the owners felt obliged to accomodate. But they were clearly not happy, because it was totally transparent that my dad's request was just an excuse to get inside and be nosy when they'd not invited him.

That may be your percepition of the situation and his may differ.

I have family who do this and it's fucking annoying - especially as it's not dirty or untidy - and often what they are doing doesn't need doing, may well be making more work and they make out they've done more than they have. Socially it's very hard not to mutter thanks - even while feeling it's a dig - It's got to point where it's just ignored by everyone and they've stopped. I found it incredibly rude TBH.

However you may be right he may love you cleaning - so you're back to him not letting you in for other reasons.

Best thing is to clam down give it some time and then have a frank discussion about it all and in future try meeting half way or somewhere nearby him you can park with public toilets.

then he needs to get out of the relationship fast otherwise he’ll end up being her carer if he isn’t already. It’s his mother FFS. She needed the loo, not a full blown meet and greet with the GF.

No way is a son not letting his Mum use the loo normal! No matter how anxious his GF is.

OP what a horrid experience.

I was with someone for a long time who was a complete weirdo about people coming in uninvited. There were times when this was really inconvenient/annoying, but it was a boundary I never dared step over. It was just like a locked door in my head, I couldn't even contemplate it for one second.

Hurraaaaaaah that their relationship seems to have run its course (soon!). I'm sure that he will look back on this and wonder what on earth he was playing at, but at the moment it seemed like the only option available. His response to you was entirely automatic, not intentional.

Maybe try to remember that the GF apparently has an anxiety disorder, and quite a serious one at that. I don’t think DS acted appropriately in the situation but the words ‘oddball’ and ‘stupid’ aren’t appropriate when we’re talking about mental health.

Then it's even weirder. Why didn't he say my mum's coming over, if you don't want to meet her then you need to go home?

I'd be a bit incredulous, really. And offended.

there are many lovely but to easy young men doing the NHS job with girlfriends. I worked with one, he would phone her every 2 h and go home for lunch every single day to check on her

Not if it's true, it's not. Why should he have to lie if that's the genuine reason?

However, I'd put money on it that the reason might be something else entirely. The GF is actually a BF, the house is a tip and he's embarrassed, there is evidence of drugs, or devil worship or the living room has been turned into a S&M sex dungeon or something else he doesn't want his mum to see.

Lots of people clam up at the thought of unplanned visits for all sorts of reasons. I don't blame the OP for being hurt and annoyed though.

At that age I’d be more inclined to believe the place was a tip and he didn’t want you to see it.

Yep. For wee’d read ‘weed’.