Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

Which is weird! Someone (doesn't matter who) drives 2.5hrs to rendezvous on their drive!
You're not going to convince me that the gf is in the right here.

There is more to this story -
maybe the house is in a total state and he doesn't want you see that. Maybe there is something there that he doesn't want you to see (e.g. drug paraphernalia?). It could be anything really but the girlfriend story if true is very worrying for him and her.

I feel like this is a separate thread!

AIBU to think it's to be expected that someone will pop in after a long drive to meet at my house?

Unless it's a short journey and the arrangement is they are picking me up on the way to xyz, where I'd be looking out for them and run out to jump in the car, I'd absolutely expect them to pop in for a mo!

My lovely friend’s DS had a GF with (in her case selective) extreme anxiety.
It was a nightmares until eventually they parted.

She put so many restrictions on him and stopped him from seeing my friend and his dad and sister. They were all a close knit lovely family. But they’re all fine now she’s gone.

Like your DS he was young and easily manipulated.

I really wouldn’t blame your DS, it’s a nightmare situation for him and I even wonder if she’s the same girl!

Fucking hell, the whataboutery on this thread.

What he did was inexcusable and the OP deserves a big apology and assurance it won't happen again.

They are probably living in a shit hole. He’s trying to keep up appearances but failed to take account that you would want the loo.

Using the word 'crazy' to describe someone with a possible 'severe mental health illness' (which were @Oddlyfull's words) is an utterly horrible thing to do.

maybe he passes off your cleaning as his own cleaning for when his girlfriend comes round after your visit, and he was afraid you would say something that she would overhear. Maybe she believes that he cleans up for your visit, not the other way around and he didn't want to be caught out in a lie.

"I only cleaned all this all last time I came, look how much of a mess it is again!!'

He's definitely hiding something.

Then she shouldn't have been at her BFs home when he had his mother driving 2.5 hours to visit him! It's to be expected OP would need to pop in.

She sounds like a controlling nightmare. I say that as someone who has had significant MH issues in the past - I wouldn't dream of selfishly inflicting this behaviour on others.

Kids can struggle to see us as actual human beings, instead of “just mum”. It’s not a failure of love.

Sometimes, when we put someone else’s needs before our own, we also sideline those we love, because mentally they are in the “us” category, He shouldn’t treat you badly. But he might have been seeing you as part of his camp, iyswim. It may not be what’s happening here, but I’m just sharing because sometimes the reasoning is a bit more convoluted.

Dp/dh prioritise the craziest woman in their life. In my case it’s mil. I just cannot match her energy (nor would I want to) and the cost for not placating her is high. So when dh is put on the spot, his instinct swings that way. Given a chance to think first, he puts family first, even if he knows she’ll kick off, but that took time and awareness on his part.

But otoh let’s not rush to blame the gf. She didn’t actually do anything that we can verify. Maybe she wasn’t ready to meet you, but if she had known, would have moved to a different room. He didn’t actually give her that option. I’d be absolutely mortified in her shoes, and if she has problems with anxiety she might not have the capacity to reach out to you.

It’s a very upsetting thing op, and I can really sympathise with the hurt. But try and find the softer interpretation so you can move through this.

I’m going to add that you might be over stepping a bit by cleaning for him, particularly unasked. Especially if he’s living with someone. It’s something to be mindful of. There’s a point where you have to become more of a guest, than a parent in your dc’s house - switch to admiring instead of advising, and only help when asked.

For most of us, they don't.
Actually with MH issues you end up quite vulnerable to people taking advantage, with not enough decent people around.

Occasionally you get someone oddly manipulative whilst claiming to be vulnerable, like the GF in this instance. I've found it fascinating for years noticing people like this, wondering how the hell they do it. Those really suffering are doing everything to appear normal and please others, often to their own detriment.

How would the ‘d’ son feel if his gf was treated like this by her son?

Exactly. And if his mum has a medical problem (sounds like someone recovering from cancer-it's fair enough you don't want to specify OP, but someone I know is in this situation), then she needs to use the loo. If the girlfriend can't even manage that, then she needs to get help, because she's going to struggle in a lot of ways.
Knowing you have a health problem, he should have told you in advance if there was an issue, so you could have chosen not to go.

Perhsps the home stinks of weed or possibly the gf is an imaginary one or even a bf and he isnt ready to out himself yet. I would let him know that I wouldnt be visiting again if you can’t use his loo. How did he meet her if her anxiety is so crippling?

Is it her house, or their house?

If it's their house then your son needs to grow a pair and put his foot down. If my partner had an issue with my family coming to our front door, he'd be told to use it himself.

What plan? OP hasn’t mentioned anything about an expressed agreement/plan/intention.
On the contrary she said the GF usually isn’t there.

I personally think its as simple as the toilet was caked in shite and knowing you found it disgusting before and cleaned it, he panicked and gave you the girlfriend story.

We have no idea how serious her MH issues are. Don’t be so dismissive.
That said, I don’t think OP’s DS or his family need to live with those issues affecting their lives too.

Because he didn't plan on his mum going inside the house at all, there was no need for that in the plan. The plan was she will just use the drive and they will go outside.

I don't say that toilet need isn't valid, but it significantly overrides the expressed agreement/plan/intention.

That's not what happened though. OP didn't find out that the GF was in the house, or that there was any issue with her going in while GF was there, until she asked to use the toilet as she was leaving.

Outside of some serious existing relationship issues, I can't think of a single valid reason not to let your own mother, who has a health condition that can require access to a toilet, use your bathroom.

Agree, it’s totally ridiculous. Let’s hope we don’t have another war in this country. It sure would be a wake up call to all the anxious people as to what real anxiety looks like.

The son sounds like a right wetwipe.

You are right, I just re-read the OP. The PP's comment about "plenty of notice" threw me.

Appropriate username is appropriate!

It’s not clear that OP’s DS had actually informed her that she couldn’t come in before they met up though? Usually his GF isn’t even there when she visits so why would OP have expected to be banned from entering this time?

Is it confirmed the girlfriend's got issues, or are we yet again excusing nonsensical behaviour so as not to hurt any feelings?