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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go without her?

132 replies

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 08:37

I booked a theatre trip next weekend with SD11. SD14 (who we rarely see and has never expressed an interest in theatre) is now upset she’s not going. DH has suggested I reschedule so she can come. AIBU not to?

OP posts:
Growingaseed · 27/04/2026 09:38

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 09:05

Why? It’s a treat for SD11, chosen for and by her, as a reward for working diligently over months and passing an exam.

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Didn't you come here for advice? But you don't want to hear it?

Of course you should have asked her OP. Ask her now if she wants to come and apologise explaining it was an exam treat/you didn't realise she would want to join, however you would love it if she does. The theatre should be fine to fit her in.

Also texting once a week to someone who isn't really engaging seems a lot. Do you have a family chat you could use instead?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/04/2026 09:37

Swiftie1878 · 27/04/2026 08:52

Well, you know this is no way to carry on.
Your DH has two children. You need to manage your relationship with both of them. She’s a teenager. Just because your relationship with her is more difficult than with the younger one, doesn’t mean you can have a favourite and discriminate accordingly.
You are the grown up here. Do the right thing.

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But I do stuff with one kid and not the other, and I birthed them all. Sometimes it's for something specific or it's an interest only one of them has or it's about timing.

The secret is fairness not sameness.

OP tell older one you're sorry she wanted to come, she isn't normally up for theatre and this was a reward for an exam, however you'd love to organise something just the two of you and ask what she'd like to do.

Chances are she'll ignore you, if not maybe it's a chance to improve your relationship

user2848502016 · 27/04/2026 09:32

I don’t think you should reschedule because it’s not fair on SD11, but explain to the older one that this was a treat for her sister. Take SD14 to do something she will enjoy another time

BudgetBuster · 27/04/2026 09:27

Oddlyfull · 27/04/2026 09:15

Yes there’s a whiff of that.

And I believe the upshot is - we just feel sorry for the step kids in her life

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Yes yes... I'm with it now I think

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2026 09:25

She doesn’t want a relationship with you so expecting fun outings is unreasonable. You’re taking other SD, not their dad. She can’t have it both ways and he’s very stupid to try and make you change your plans. Feel free to tell him so. As for “all 14 year olds are selfish and rude” which you’ll always get on here. No. They’re like that if the parents let them be like that and they don’t turn into decent adults if they’re pandered to or rewarded for being bratty and unpleasant.

Original poster
ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 09:17

AngryHerring · 27/04/2026 09:08

perhaps while you spend time with the younger child, the older child's father can try to get to the bottom of why she barely interacts with you unless she wants something (coat, theatre trip) and spend some quality time with her.

And then later in the year, if you are getting on better you can do something with her?

I don't have SCs but i do have more than one DC and i spend 1on1 time with them separately from each other according to our schedules and so on. It evens out over time and they are fine with it.

DH usually sees her a couple of times a week, she sometimes comes over on the evening of the week that I’m out and he takes her out for dinner either just her or with SD11 quite often too.

According to him she doesn’t have any actual problem, she’s just busy with her mates and would rather be at her mum’s. We have younger DC too and she gets more freedom there.

OP posts:
Oddlyfull · 27/04/2026 09:15

BudgetBuster · 27/04/2026 09:14

I think I know the OP... But a new username, I believe? Couldn't find any old threads but the writing seems awfully familiar

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Yes there’s a whiff of that.

And I believe the upshot is - we just feel sorry for the step kids in her life

BudgetBuster · 27/04/2026 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I think I know the OP... But a new username, I believe? Couldn't find any old threads but the writing seems awfully familiar

Oddlyfull · 27/04/2026 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

oh? History?

Oddlyfull · 27/04/2026 09:11

Do you have children @ThreeGirl ?

havingoneofthosedays · 27/04/2026 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oddlyfull · 27/04/2026 09:10

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 08:49

No I didn’t. I don’t have much of a relationship with her (her choice).

Why would I invite someone who barely speaks to me on a weekend away?

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Because she’s a child
Your husbands daughter
your step daughter
your step daughter’s sister

That is why

AngryHerring · 27/04/2026 09:08

perhaps while you spend time with the younger child, the older child's father can try to get to the bottom of why she barely interacts with you unless she wants something (coat, theatre trip) and spend some quality time with her.

And then later in the year, if you are getting on better you can do something with her?

I don't have SCs but i do have more than one DC and i spend 1on1 time with them separately from each other according to our schedules and so on. It evens out over time and they are fine with it.

AngryHerring · 27/04/2026 09:05

meh. It's fine to do things with children separately - DSD or DD - especially if the thing is as a reward for something.

Older DSD can rethink how she interacts with OP if she wants nice things?

Original poster
ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 09:05

AgnesMcDoo · 27/04/2026 09:02

Cause she is 14. That’s how 14 yr old girls are.

you should have asked

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Why? It’s a treat for SD11, chosen for and by her, as a reward for working diligently over months and passing an exam.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 27/04/2026 09:03

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 08:59

I just looked back on our message thread. Since the beginning of the year I’ve messaged her at least once a week and she’s replied once, when I asked her which coat she wanted and she sent a link. She also sent two reactions. Other invites, questions, photo, things she’d like… Completely ignored.

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So you've decided to just not bother with her anymore?

AgnesMcDoo · 27/04/2026 09:02

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 08:49

No I didn’t. I don’t have much of a relationship with her (her choice).

Why would I invite someone who barely speaks to me on a weekend away?

Show quote history

Cause she is 14. That’s how 14 yr old girls are.

you should have asked

Swiftie1878 · 27/04/2026 09:00

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 08:59

I just looked back on our message thread. Since the beginning of the year I’ve messaged her at least once a week and she’s replied once, when I asked her which coat she wanted and she sent a link. She also sent two reactions. Other invites, questions, photo, things she’d like… Completely ignored.

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But that’s fine. That’s her choice. She’s a child.
If you had asked, there wouldn’t be a problem. But you didn’t. So there is.

Original poster
ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 08:59

BudgetBuster · 27/04/2026 08:52

Then yes. YABU.

You invite her because she's a bloody child and you're the adult. If she didn't respond fine, but tbh why would she respond if that's how you choose to treat her. It's not hard to see how it's a difficult relationship.

Show quote history

I just looked back on our message thread. Since the beginning of the year I’ve messaged her at least once a week and she’s replied once, when I asked her which coat she wanted and she sent a link. She also sent two reactions. Other invites, questions, photo, things she’d like… Completely ignored.

OP posts:
TerracottaBowl · 27/04/2026 08:54

LittleMonks11 · 27/04/2026 08:53

Don’t rearrange. Say you can’t cancel tickets (I doubt you can anyway) and say you can come next time if you are interested. Then next time invite her and give her a time deadline to respond.

This.

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 27/04/2026 08:54

But she didn't pass an exam... Go with 1 sd and enjoy yourselves. Dh is free to do whatever he wants with his other dd..
*I read your previous threads.

LittleMonks11 · 27/04/2026 08:53

Don’t rearrange. Say you can’t cancel tickets (I doubt you can anyway) and say you can come next time if you are interested. Then next time invite her and give her a time deadline to respond.

BudgetBuster · 27/04/2026 08:52

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 08:49

No I didn’t. I don’t have much of a relationship with her (her choice).

Why would I invite someone who barely speaks to me on a weekend away?

Show quote history

Then yes. YABU.

You invite her because she's a bloody child and you're the adult. If she didn't respond fine, but tbh why would she respond if that's how you choose to treat her. It's not hard to see how it's a difficult relationship.

Swiftie1878 · 27/04/2026 08:52

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 08:49

No I didn’t. I don’t have much of a relationship with her (her choice).

Why would I invite someone who barely speaks to me on a weekend away?

Show quote history

Well, you know this is no way to carry on.
Your DH has two children. You need to manage your relationship with both of them. She’s a teenager. Just because your relationship with her is more difficult than with the younger one, doesn’t mean you can have a favourite and discriminate accordingly.
You are the grown up here. Do the right thing.

wantmorenow · 27/04/2026 08:50

Suggest you keep to original arrangement as it was linked to a reward for exam and DH takes her himself another time?

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