To go without her?

I agree. I was just going to say that if ut wasn't actually just you then it's not really comparable.

I know everything doesn't have to be a big family event. I don't know why you've come here anyway as you feel what you did was right so what does it matter whag people on the Internet not living your life and with very little insight think.

Did you take her and her friends? Or was her Dad there also?

She once won a swimming gala and her reward was taking three friends to Thorpe Park.

So was SD11 not told about this trip and not invited?

I would say, reasonably, that previous invites you have sent over haven't been responded to. The plans this time can't be changed but in future if she'd like to go to the theatre you will of course invite her but please can she reply to your messages.

This

I think this might be the right thing to do. Explain it’s a reward for SD for exams and something she picked and as other SD has never shown any interest in the theatre tell her this is why you didn’t invite her but say sorry if you got it wrong.
Then add if she’d like a trip out doing something she fancies then to let you know. Ball in her court
She may be a child but 14 is old enough to have some manners and not ignore messages.
I hope it goes ok.

She might have similar feelings about you regarding you offering to buy them a musical instrument etc and that not being her thing. Her sister has done well and is going to the theatre, she didn't click with it and gets left behind. Who knows what goes on in her mind. Being a teenager is tough, I didn't always understand my own emotions yet alone have the capability to communicate them with my parents yet alone a step mother who I didn't feel close to.

I don't see why you wouldnt have given warning on when you were going to book before booking and sorted it out back then, if the plan changed then I would have still gone ahead with the one

If you really wanted both there that is

Without knowing any backstory or history, if these were your own children it would be absolutely fine to do things with each child individually.

In this example I would say the trip was organised with younger DD specifically as her treat so not going to rearrange, but what would older DD like to do for her individual treat.

If this is the case I would text her and explain it’s a reward for her sister and ask what she would like to do one on one with you instead.

If she responds it will give you a chance to bond.

Exactly. I think it would have taken 2 minutes to send a text saying "If you want to come, let me know by X time as I need to book tickets"... no response, no tickets.

Or if at the time the 'deal' was made to pass the exam, if something similar had been put in place for SD14 more tuned to whatever her skillset is etc.

I think k it's very telling that the night she chooses to go to Dads, is the night OP isn't there.

To be fair I agree with you, they don't get a choice. I think someone above said fairness and sameness are not the same thing, which is probably a better way of putting it 😀

I'd go ahead with the theatre trip but find something equally suitable for you to do with your elder SD. It would show you are hoping to have a better relationship with one on one time. If you invite her and she ignores you or declines, then that is her prerogative.

I know. I am a stepparent to a 14 year old 😂

But also people need to realise that stepkids don't get a say in their lives and step-relationships. Just because her Dad chose to marry someone doesn't mean the stepdaughter has to like her. But a stepparent has to be at least fair to all the stepkids... she chose this the teenager didn't.

I can see why she'd be upset then. She didn't take up the music...she probably feels punished for not choosing to keep it up or not excelling at that.

14 is old enough to know how to behave, eg not be rude, reply to people. Its just basic courtesy. Stop making excuses for her. And here's the thing, parents love their children unconditionally. Step parents however do not, and therefore don't have to deal with that shit if they don't want to.

OP you are not being unreasonable. Her dad can take her out somewhere if he likes. Stick to your guns.

You don’t need to include everyone in everything you do. One on one time with younger sd is allowed. Explain this and offer a trip out with older sd. And don’t let her make you feel bad.

I wouldn't get pulled into the politics and I'd be firmly delegating the decision to DH.

"DH, as you know, i asked youngest to come to the theatre and booked tickets. Eldest now wants to come and I can't add another ticket. Do you want me to take youngest as originally planned or would you prefer thaf i go alone with a friend amd bith children stay home and are treated the same."

Tbh though, I think you should have asked both and I don't think it's for you to instil any "hard work pays off" ethics, just treat them the same.

Could be a nice opportunity to start building a better relationship with her?
As long has the 11 year old is happy with her coming.

She's 14, have you met a 14 year old girl before or remember being one? Every emotion, thought feeling, physical changes are happening all at once all while her brain is still developing, they're not known for having a particularly stable thought process and ability to communicate like a sensible adult. Give the girl a chance, it could really be worth it.

Remember she's the child you're an adult with experience of navigating emotions and complex relationships.

Edited to be slightly less rude, as I hadn't seen your most recent update before posting!