To go without her?

You forgot the rude spoilt little brat

Maybe because you're an adult and suppose to act like one. That poor kid, think of the damage you're doing to her.

OP, you sound like a decent human being to me, one who.is doing well as a SM.

As siblings grow older, they get to see that, while people would treat them the same when they were pre-teens, they now get treated differently, based on such factors as personality, interests, political beliefs, and their behaviour. SD14 is well old enough now to realise why she was left out; and if she doesn't, it's DH's job (and a very important one at this point) to point out to SD14 that she needs to up her game in terms of how she treats her SM, or lower her expectations.

If fact, I can'tnthink what is going through DH's head here that he hasn't fathomed this for himself and is instead trying to placate the sulky teen instead of doing the actions/consequences talk.

And she's old enough now to learn that, if you treat people who are not your patents this way, don't expect them to rush to include you in things.

OP - you aren't her mum, but you'll be teaching her a valuablr lesson by sticking to your plan. If your DH gets to to change your plan to.include her, he'll be teaching her a different one - that you can treat your SM with contempt all you like, and I'll still make sure she invludes you in Everything Nice.

Yeah.... nope.
Sorry- but not arsing herself to answer would lead to me not bother to message in the first place.
Consequences and all that.

Because you are the adult who has chosen to become part of her life and she is the child who has had no choice about your new presence in her family.

It was nasty of you to
leave her out.

given presumably younger SD didn't go with older SD to Thorpe park, and you won't be giving younger SD money if older SD does well in her mocks (personally I think giving money for mocks is insane, how are you going to up that for her real exams, but your choice), then to me it seems fair to make this trip just you and younger SD UNLESS younger SD wants her older sister there.

Otherwise the pattern seems to be = reward for older SD is just for her, reward for younger SD always has to be shared. Which isn't fair.

People getting sidetracked about the relationship between OP and older SD and how often older SD texts back is irrelevant. The test here is if you had 2 DDs would it be okay to do things individually with them. I imagine most families would say yes, as long as both were rewarded individually and not just always younger one being celebrated.

She's a teenager, end of 😂
Reschedule if she wants to go, thats what I would do

Ignore the drama, she wants to make a thing out of it to make you look bad. She usually can’t be arsed to answer you so I wouldn’t be bothered. She’s old enough to know exactly what she’s doing.

She's 14 not 4. She knows she's being rude and doesn't care. Sorry but bad manners =you miss out.
A learning curve for her..

FAFO at its finest.

SD11 treats you like a person, you build a relationship that you both enjoy. It included you arranging treats.

SD14 treats you differently, doesn't try to built a relationship. She should expect to be left out.

Tell your DH to tell his older daughter to knock off the sulk - she's too old now to expect treats when she has no time for you otherwise. Don't rearrange - that would be unfair on SD11 and on you.

Typo edits

If he thinks she should go to the show he can take her himself when it suits him. This is a trip for you and the younger girl.

The responses are fairly split but the majority of people think IANBU which is reassuring.

They probably haven't read your previous threads.

You booked this with SD11 for reasons you have explained. If the other SD wants to come, can’t you book a ticket for her as well? Or DH can take her if he thinks she should go. I think personally I’d just take SD11 and tell the other one you’ll count her in next time.

The trouble is with teens, they need to feel like they’re wanted and feel really rejected easily.

You could have asked her and she probably wouldn’t want to have gone but because she feels left out she’s upset over it.

As long as usually she’s always invited to everything, then that’s fine.

Just give her a message and say this is what SD11 wanted to do for her treat and that you can book another one to all go together.

If it’s something that she’s desperate to go to and may not have another chance, then I’d take them both and do something else with just SD11 a different time.
But if it’s nothing that special then it’s fine to do things separately.

Then just take the SD12 as it is her treat and tell older one that you will take her for an equivalent treat if/when she passes a similar exam/has an achievement. What older SD is doing is shoehorning herself into a gift that is specifically intended for her sister - and gift her behaviour is tarnishing- whereas she and DH are framing it as a family thing she is being excluded from. Tell DH to grow up and take his older DD out for a pizza that day if it bothers him so much. Suggest he reads about sibling rivalry too.

OP step parents get a hard time on here. 14 is old enough for her to understand how life works. It sounds like she doesn't like you and is happy to let you know it. If she doesn't respond to your messages and invitations it's understandable they'd stop coming. Just say it's a reward for younger SD doing well in her exam so it's just the two of you this time.

You are a step mum and they invariably get hammered on here.
We all know 14 year old girls can be emotional and stroppy, like boys, their brains are mashed up and trying to sort it all out. [I've had 3 and 4 respectively so have a lot of experienceof hormonal teens]😄 They don't think like young children but can't think like an young adult either.
Do the arrangement as planned, then when you do something else ask SD 14 if she would like to go with you. If she doesn't respond by a certain date [ you need to know to book tickets etc] then she can't go.
Sounds like FOMO imo, but may be she thinks you favour her sister in some way. Not saying you do but as I said previously, the mere slight can throw things out of proportion.

It’s a reward for a specific achievement so it’s quite simple. The other child doesn’t get the reward. Just make sure you’d offer her a similar reward for an achievement. I do think I’d talk to her about the rudeness of frequently ignoring adults messaging her though.

I think this is the issue.

Its fine to do things separately (I actually think it’s important) but when SD14 had her treat, SD11 was well aware of it and understood why she wasn’t invited.

SD14 wasn’t there when it was being planned and so all she knew was that it was a trip out and she hadn’t been invited.

I’d just message her and explain that it’s a treat for SD11.

FWIW my sister faces this a lot.
Her DD16 lives with her FT but her DD14 doesn’t and only chooses to come around a couple of times a month.
DD14 is always doing things with their dad and DD16 isn’t invited as he’s NC with her but if my sister takes DD16 anywhere then DD14 gets very upset and feels left out.

So she asked to come and she wasn’t allowed?