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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go without her?

132 replies

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 08:37

I booked a theatre trip next weekend with SD11. SD14 (who we rarely see and has never expressed an interest in theatre) is now upset she’s not going. DH has suggested I reschedule so she can come. AIBU not to?

OP posts:
Growingaseed · 27/04/2026 18:39

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 27/04/2026 17:54

How do you know the theatre should be fine to fit her in? Perhaps the show is sold out? Perhaps all seats near OP have been booked by others? The theatre can’t fit her in if there isn’t an available seat.

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In my experience most theatres in the west end are showing long running shows and have spare seats. If there isn't currently a seat next to you they can move you so you can buy another one.

I appreciate shows sometimes sell out when they go on tour round the country etc. However, given OP mentioned to daughter there being lots of things she wants to see I imagine they are in London.

Irrelevant now anyway as she still hasn't invited her other SD

Penguinated · 27/04/2026 18:36

SleepingStandingUp · 27/04/2026 09:37

But I do stuff with one kid and not the other, and I birthed them all. Sometimes it's for something specific or it's an interest only one of them has or it's about timing.

The secret is fairness not sameness.

OP tell older one you're sorry she wanted to come, she isn't normally up for theatre and this was a reward for an exam, however you'd love to organise something just the two of you and ask what she'd like to do.

Chances are she'll ignore you, if not maybe it's a chance to improve your relationship

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This

Mix56 · 27/04/2026 18:14

OK, I misunderstood

Lilmrsac · 27/04/2026 18:04

Mix56 · 27/04/2026 17:49

I think you tell your H, she was invited & didn't reply, this is a reward for SD11, (just like SD14 was treated with her friends when she won the swimming gala.)
You are happy to take them both another time, the tickets are non refundable, & you are not cancelling on SD11 as she will be disappointed, having passed her exam.
Lesson learned for SD14, she should have responded when asked.

She wasn’t invited, op, didn’t tell her prior.

op didn’t sound like the even likes dsc14 at all.

Sartre · 27/04/2026 17:59

Shes a teenager so the onus is on you to maintain a semblance of a relationship with her… Having said that, you knew she didn’t particularly like the theatre and it’s a treat for younger SD who does enjoy it. I’d go without this time but in future give her a heads up. Maybe think of a treat just for her next time too.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 27/04/2026 17:54

Growingaseed · 27/04/2026 09:38

Didn't you come here for advice? But you don't want to hear it?

Of course you should have asked her OP. Ask her now if she wants to come and apologise explaining it was an exam treat/you didn't realise she would want to join, however you would love it if she does. The theatre should be fine to fit her in.

Also texting once a week to someone who isn't really engaging seems a lot. Do you have a family chat you could use instead?

Edited
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How do you know the theatre should be fine to fit her in? Perhaps the show is sold out? Perhaps all seats near OP have been booked by others? The theatre can’t fit her in if there isn’t an available seat.

Mix56 · 27/04/2026 17:49

I think you tell your H, she was invited & didn't reply, this is a reward for SD11, (just like SD14 was treated with her friends when she won the swimming gala.)
You are happy to take them both another time, the tickets are non refundable, & you are not cancelling on SD11 as she will be disappointed, having passed her exam.
Lesson learned for SD14, she should have responded when asked.

SunnyRedSnail · 27/04/2026 17:32

@ThreeGirl YANBU and shouldn't have to rearrange.

You are taking your DSD as a reward for doing well and it'll be nice to do something with just the two of you.

Perhaps your other DSD can choose a treat if she also does well at something?

Original poster
ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 17:22

Pumpkinmagic · 27/04/2026 17:01

Because she is a child and you are the adult and her step parent!! It’s your job to include her and be there for her even when she is pushing you away. Surely not that hard to understand. How would you be treating her if she was your biological child? How would you feel if your step parent had treated you and your sibling differently?

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I didn’t have stepparents but my own parents often took either me or one of my siblings away, either as a reward or just to spend time together. I do the same with my biological children too.

OP posts:
MyIcyHeart · 27/04/2026 17:03

Have you posted before about how you are closer to the younger step-daughter?

Pumpkinmagic · 27/04/2026 17:01

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 08:49

No I didn’t. I don’t have much of a relationship with her (her choice).

Why would I invite someone who barely speaks to me on a weekend away?

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Because she is a child and you are the adult and her step parent!! It’s your job to include her and be there for her even when she is pushing you away. Surely not that hard to understand. How would you be treating her if she was your biological child? How would you feel if your step parent had treated you and your sibling differently?

iamtryingtobecivil · 27/04/2026 16:57

Well maybe she learn you get outlay you put in to your relationships - harsh but she chooses not to reply etc or be present, how reasonable is it to show up for the good stuff only

SunMoonandChocolate · 27/04/2026 16:51

I think you should just explain to the older child that you offered her sister a reward for her hard work, and she chose to go to the theatre which you both enjoy, so this time the treat is for her ONLY. However, if she would like to go with you next time you go, she should let you know, and you can talk about what sort of thing she would like to see.

The chances are of course, that she'll be awkward, and won't want to go another time, but you could perhaps offer her some sort of reward if she can improve on something, or does well with something soon, and make that a treat only for her. It might just help build a better relationship between the two of you.

Rhaidimiddim · 27/04/2026 16:40

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 15:30

Because the whole point is that it’s a treat for SD11, and she wants to go.

We have holidays and meals and days out as a family sometimes, and sometimes we focus on what an individual would like. I think it’s important that each of the children get 1 to 1 time sometimes.

ETA that I totally agree with you on the 1-2-1 stuff.

We have several grandchildren who live locally, aged 10 - 16.

When they were younger it was all or none when we planned treat days out. Now they are older, they have different interests and weekend and activities and we mix and match.

None of them complain that HE went to the theatre and I didn't. They all get to do stuff they're interested in with us, and trust us to treat them fairly.

The idea that siblings in their teens should be considered a monolith is daft, and infantilises them. The idea that the SM here should ditch a good plan because a 14-y-o gets into a sulk about it teaches them that sulking, rather than working at relationships, is thecway to go.

Rhaidimiddim · 27/04/2026 16:27

YourShyLion · 27/04/2026 15:24

Of course you reschedule so she can go, I'm not sure why it's even a question.

I heartily disagree.

Of course she sticks to the original plan and ignores the teen sulk.

Original poster
ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 15:30

Because the whole point is that it’s a treat for SD11, and she wants to go.

We have holidays and meals and days out as a family sometimes, and sometimes we focus on what an individual would like. I think it’s important that each of the children get 1 to 1 time sometimes.

OP posts:
YourShyLion · 27/04/2026 15:24

Of course you reschedule so she can go, I'm not sure why it's even a question.

Oddlyfull · 27/04/2026 15:23

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Oddlyfull · 27/04/2026 15:21

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Original poster
ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 15:09

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Their dad wouldn’t want to go to this particular show. They have older and younger siblings too. It’s unusual to find an activity that everyone likes equally and it’s very common for us to do things in smaller groups.

I’ve known them for eight years.

OP posts:
Oddlyfull · 27/04/2026 14:58

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Original poster
ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 13:39

This is what I said.

Hi X! Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine. SD11 and I are going to the show next week as a special treat because she passed her exam, but if you’d like to go to the theatre together just let me know. There’s a few shows I want to see over the summer or we could pick one together. Let’s chat about it soon? X

OP posts:
ERthree · 27/04/2026 13:19

If this is a treat for the younger one why the hell should the older one be going, what has she done to deserve the same reward as the younger one ?

99bottlesofkombucha · 27/04/2026 13:07

ThreeGirl · 27/04/2026 10:25

I did message her a few months ago about a film that was coming out, asking if she’d like to see it with me the following weekend (she liked one of the actors) and she didn’t reply.

I can’t help but feel our relationship is quite transactional on her side and she’s only interested if I’m buying her something or offering a trip somewhere enviable.

I do remember being a teenager and don’t take it personally. But I wouldn’t have expected expensive trips from someone I couldn’t be bothered to text on their birthday.

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i think ‘this is a treat for your sister for passing her exam, last time I asked you to something you didn’t reply? I won’t be rescheduling but I’m happy to book something for both of you another day, I had no idea you were interested. Why don’t you have a look and see what you might like to go to, tell us next time you’re over at ours’

and see if she gets off her bum.

Oddlyfull · 27/04/2026 13:06

neilyoungismyhero · 27/04/2026 13:02

You forgot the rude spoilt little brat

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It would appear - as others posters have mentioned, there’s something of a back story