To go without her?

I agree. Say that you would love to arrange a similar trip for the two of you and that you can both pick something nice when you next see her.

Op I get it. You’re doing a great job snd people on here who have no idea what you may have done for your SD in the past. They are judging you on this one particular thing. Just keep doing what you are doing and hopefully when she is older you can try to rebuild a relationship, but only if she wants to.

Ok that’s a relief. I read as “I would
just ignore her” as have nothing to do with this young teen

I meant ignore the request over the tickets. The OP has already said that the. 14 yo does not answer or acknowledge text messages for months. I did not mean ignore her in general. Also, if my daughters were rude to their stepmother ( which they’re not) I would be very embarrassed. Anyway, my opinion, my old and expect manners.

I’m not surprised she doesn’t.

Are the other siblings you refer to also your step kids?

Your advice is that the op “just ignores” her.

What do you mean in practise by that @Wildefish ?

Shocked you asked one without asking the other, unless of course you want them to feel ostracised!

I don't take it personally!

You very clearly do take it personally. That's abundantly obvious from your earlier posts.

The history behind it all is that I offered to pay for both SDs to learn an instrument when they were young. SD14 never got into it and gave up as soon as we said she could. SD11 works hard at it and passed an exam.

I try to instil a “hard work pays off” ethic in SC and DC and reward them when they achieve their goals. SD14 has previously interpreted this as me being unfair to her but I don’t think it is.

But you're not rewarding 'hard work'. You're rewarding a child for enjoying a hobby that the other child doesn't enjoy. Playing an instrument is a leisure activity. It's meant to be an enjoyable thing that someone enjoys learning to do. If SD14 didn't enjoy it, that's not a character flaw or a sign of laziness. Not everyone is musical. What's she supposed to do? Force herself to spend her own free time doing something she hates just to get your approval? Would you choose to spend lots of time and effort on a hobby you hated?

I feel really sorry for SD14. You're showing appalling favouritism and I'm not surprised she feels hurt.

Ugh. Horrible.

She’s not ignoring her. The teenager is ignoring the OP s messages, and has done she says for months. Yes, if my DD or SD was being rude when I message and not returning texts then I would not be running after them. If the SD wants to be included she needs to acknowledge messages at least most of the time.

It's fine to invite just the 11yo if it's a special treat/reward for her. I'd only invite the 14yo if the 11yo is happy for her to come and the venue can accommodate. Don't reschedule. Offer something equivalent to the 14yo for another time, and make a note that she likes the theatre so you can make an extra effort to include her in that type of outing going forward.

I think you are not being unreasonable. It’s a treat for SD11 for doing well , if she does well in something then she gets a treat then

in the meantime speak to dh and tell him you are contact SD 14 and get nothing back so he needs to take that forward with her

Would you completely ignore your own teenager @Wildefish ?

Seriously if she’s that rude then I would just ignore her.

This. And I say that as someone who has multiple step parents and very complex family dynamics.

As long as older DD has also got the opportunity to earn some kind of reward for an achievement, then its not reasonable for her to expect to come on the theatre trip that was booked as a reward for younger DD.

Yes she’s a teen and they are self centred so to be the adult here OP, you have to keep doing what you’re doing inviting her; messaging her; even when she doesn’t reply.

But if you let her demand this whole thing be rescheduled so that she can attend; what is that teaching both her and younger DD? Younger DD worked hard to earn this reward, but older DD gets the same because she had a wobbly over it? Not a good behaviour to encourage.

I don’t blame you booking something for SD11 and SD13 not being factored in to it. She sees you regularly, she has a closer relationship to you, you both like the theatre so common interest. It’s an innocent oversight in my opinion, driven by her lack of contact with you.

This

You say they have other siblings?

Are the kids siblings? Aren't you worried about showing strong favouritism?

That might make the elder one not think fondly of you in future. And she's a child. You're an adult. You should try to nurture a relationship with her rather than excluding her because you say you barely know her and that it's her choice.

Do you have kids @ThreeGirl ?

Your DH seems like this weird sketchy figure in the background…. Spectating his children with their step mother