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Original poster

AIBU to resent FIL expecting DH to provide for his sister?

193 replies

Porterpoets · 27/04/2026 08:08

DH and I have been writing our wills and something has come up that I’d really like to hear opinions on.

We have DC and I am the higher earner. This is relevant because it’s the principle of this that I take issue with, rather than the actual effect it will have. We have two good incomes, we’re comfortable- not rolling in money, but we manage well and our only debt is the mortgage on our family home.

DH’s elderly father, my FIL, is quietly well-off, but relatively thrifty and can be quite controlling, belligerent and often uses emotional blackmail to get his way. He also can’t see the irony in much of what he does vs what he says.

DH has an older sister, my SIL, who is single, works hard for not much financial reward and rents a modest flat. Her dream is to buy her own home but on a single, mediocre income that’s way off. She’s also only ten years off retirement herself so it may never happen at all. She has no dependents and is fiercely proud.

So here’s the issue. FIL has told DH that when FIL dies, DH becomes ‘the man of the family’ (wtf does that even mean?!?!) and must take care of his sister financially. Being a 21st Century feminist, she would baulk at this idea, but that is what he has said.

The irony here is that FIL is still with us and hence he is currently “the man of the family” and yet he refuses to put anything in place to help SIL out financially with her dream of buying a property today. He refuses to look into gifting her any money nor anything that would benefit her financial situation whilst he is still alive. And yet he has laid this moral obligation squarely at the feet of DH, once FIL has gone.

DH is an incredibly moral man and has sworn to this, taking it to mean that in his own will, he will leave a not insubstantial sum to his sister before anything goes to me and our children in the event of his death. He knows his sister well enough to recognise that if he offered or gifted her any sum whilst DH is still alive, she would refuse it, as he has DCs to provide for and he is the younger sibling (her pride is at stake if she were to accept).

Now, I’m not concerned about this part of DH’s will from a financial point of view because I earn a good enough salary that if the worst were to happen, I would not be reliant on any inheritance from DH’s estate. Similarly if I went first, I have plans in place that would ensure DH and DCs would live comfortably.

However, I can’t help but resent FIL’s actions. Of course it’s his own money and he can do what he likes with it but he is emotionally blackmailing DH (and will continue to do so beyond the grave) into redirecting DC’s inheritance. Whilst writing our wills, the solicitor asked DH several times to repeat his request and clarified to him what that might mean for our DC if my financial circumstances changed and he died, with this bequest still in place. I don’t know if I read too much into it, but she appeared quite surprised by it.

FIL is not a poor man. If he were really concerned about SIL being “provided for” he could see to that now, whilst he’s still alive. Why put the moral and financial obligation on DH?

AIBU?

OP posts:
noworklifebalance · 27/04/2026 10:48

TheFluffyTwo · 27/04/2026 10:11

If the order of death goes:
You (DH inherits)
Your DH
Your SIL

then the possibilities are:

  • effectively part of your estate goes to your SIL (especially given you were the higher earner); and
  • If your DH's care rates up a lot of his assets, your SIL inherits but your children don't (because there is nothing left over).

I would seriously consider spliting ownership of your house if it's currently held as joint tenants rather than tenants in common, and changing your will to disinherit your husband generally, and pass assets straight to your children in order to protect their inheritance. Who knows what your DH would take into his head to do with your assets if you die first. Certainly not prioritise his children, apparently.

I came on to say this - you need to consider becoming tenants in common so if you predecease your DH (and maybe FIL), your share of the property is held in trust for your DC.
Your DH can continue to live in the house until his death but your % share of the proper when sold is reserved for the children. It won’t pass onto your DH and in turn your SIL.

You can also place other parts of your estate in trust for your DC, as it sounds like your DH could easily be manipulated.

GoldMoon · 27/04/2026 10:38

As your dh names a sum to leave her don't assume it's nominal .

By this I mean something could happen that eats into his money , has an accident that needs care or adaptations to the home or even be used his money as not working retirement etc , a hundred different reasons .

That amount would always be taken from his estate , so £30,000 from an estate of 1 million is very different from one of say £50,000 .

FairKoala · 27/04/2026 10:37

Obeseandashamed · 27/04/2026 09:56

I could be wrong but I get the feeling what your FIL might mean is that he has arranged for his estate to go to your DH and then your DH should ensure his sister is looked after. My fil has done similar in that he has left his business assets to the sons and they are expected to make sure their sisters aren’t without. Personally I hate this way as it just ends up being endless requests and the sons give in as they had given their word to their father. There’s no cap on what financial assistance is provided or what it should include. Last years requests included 3 holidays abroad! We didn’t even do that ourselves but she was able to as they felt they had to say yes.

I think that was what mil meant.
However eldest DS having inherited nearly 7 figures in cash (after tax) and 3 properties has said that he can’t give anything away as he might need it.

So when he dies he is going to leave his brother everything

The irony is, he can’t correlate that given his brothers (exh’s) health issues, exh won’t be around and trying to explain anything to him that doesn’t fit in with his personal narrative is met with. “Surely not” “I don’t think you are correct”

kohlrabislaw · 27/04/2026 10:35

As others have suggested, if your FIL is such a dinosaur he believes in this archaic man of the family nonsense, I do wonder if he’s leaving everything in his will to his male heir. In which case just do a deed of variation when the old bugger has gone, so that the sister gets her fair share. FIL sounds like a nasty piece of work but your husband should just be ignoring him and his controlling wishes.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 27/04/2026 10:35

I think you quietly need to remove your DH from your estate and leave it all (in trust if needs be) to your children. OTHERWISE, if you go first, he's going to leave a chunk of it to his DS.

Totalinsanity · 27/04/2026 10:35

I suppose my response depends on what amount your dh has left dsil and what percentage of his life insurance that would be - 15% or under let him crack on, you say you wouldn’t need the £ and at that point it’s weird but prob not a hill worth destroying your marriage over! Assuming nothing drastic happens in the meantime I’d revaluate once dfil’s will is known…. Sounds like she’ll have a hefty influx of money from that and your dh can be reassured that Fil fulfilled the responsibility and he can amend his.

getupdostuffgotobed · 27/04/2026 10:35

Neither me or my DW would be having any of this nonsense from a FIL or anyone.

We have parallel wills - in which our own children would benefit after the second death.

FIL is somewhat short sighted - she could do with the money now - not when your DH dies - which is hopefully years away.

Maybe re-write your and your DH's wills to be parallel. No need to tell FIL - after all he's set the precedence of not disclosing his.

DH could still honour the spirit of being the 'man of the family' - which goes beyond doling out wads of cash.

Chances are he's die first and SIL will be taken care of - or not if he's left it all to a donkey sanctuary!

If he's getting on in years he could give SIL money now in a tax efficient way - enough for a deposit? He could take this off her share of the will (or not as he decides.
He'd then be able to see, and enjoy, some of the security he's given her.

LittleSpeckleFrog · 27/04/2026 10:31

But why would your DH assume he will die before his older sister?

Even if he does, chances are they will both be very old and past the age of wanting to buy property - it's pointless leaving money to her.

Supersimkin7 · 27/04/2026 10:31

TheFrendo · 27/04/2026 10:09

Your DH is mad.

Surely sister will inherit from the father too, so she will not be in penury.

That will needs to be changed.

Hmm. I suspect FIL has left you and DH the lot but they’re relying on
DSis for eldercare and haven’t told her.

Sassylovesbooks · 27/04/2026 10:24

You have a husband issue here, not a FIL one. Your FIL's request to your husband is ridiculous but could quite easily be ignored. Nod the head, make the right noises etc but beyond that, nothing actually needs to be actioned.

Your husband though has decided that he has a moral obligation to provide for his sister, if he passed away, on the request by his Dad. It's not your husband's responsibility to provide for his sister now or in the future. If her Dad is so concerned, then he should make sure she receives a larger proportion of his estate or gifts her money now.

Your husband's responsibility is to you (his wife!) and his children, not to his sister. I'm not surprised the solicitor clarified several times with him, because it's a bizarre request, that makes no real sense.

This 'man of the family' notion is very old fashioned and not relevant in 2026!!

CloudPop · 27/04/2026 10:16

Namechangerage · 27/04/2026 08:40

I’m confused. Why doesn’t the FIL just leave his estate to his 2 children equally (or a bigger share to her) and then SIL is “taken care of” anyway? Why does your DH need to be involved?

Same, also confused. And presumably the SIL would leave her estate to her nieces and nephews ?

TheFluffyTwo · 27/04/2026 10:11

If the order of death goes:
You (DH inherits)
Your DH
Your SIL

then the possibilities are:

  • effectively part of your estate goes to your SIL (especially given you were the higher earner); and
  • If your DH's care rates up a lot of his assets, your SIL inherits but your children don't (because there is nothing left over).

I would seriously consider spliting ownership of your house if it's currently held as joint tenants rather than tenants in common, and changing your will to disinherit your husband generally, and pass assets straight to your children in order to protect their inheritance. Who knows what your DH would take into his head to do with your assets if you die first. Certainly not prioritise his children, apparently.

OriginalSkang · 27/04/2026 10:10

You are being very unreasonable to place any blame on your FIL! This is solely with your DH

FIL gets absolutely no say in what your DH does with your money. Your DH has made that decision

SpainToday · 27/04/2026 10:10

Followthesunshine · 27/04/2026 08:12

The problem here isn't your FIL but your husband who has actually taken the significant step of making his sister a beneficiary in priority to his children.

Totally this

Namechangingagain12345 · 27/04/2026 10:10

Id ask dh how fil has forfilled this responsibility as the current head of the family!

If he is determined to do this then,

If it’s a smaller sum I’d get him to save it in an account so it’s there even if it takes years to get to the amount.

If it’s a larger amount I’d get him to get a life insurance policy to cover it and name her as beneficiary. He can always change the beneficiary later. If you look at it as a small monthly sum that he is choosing to spend on this rather than a coffee out with her.

AllotmentTime · 27/04/2026 10:09

It's very Sense and Sensibility.

I would be pointing out to DH that this is flat out stupid from FIL. What's the point of giving SIL all the money in the world in (hopefully) decades time AFTER she's spent her whole life paying rent and potentially scraping and saving practically all of her life? What she going to do, be on a state pension in a shitty care home waiting for DH to die so that she can spend a few months shopping around better care homes before she dies too soon to move into one?

Infinitely more sensible for FIL to give her money himself, if that's what he feels is necessary. Point this out to DH and FIL. I like the PP's example of "tell me what you're doing so I know what your fucking archaic and offensive Head of the Family expectations are", to point out FIL's hypocrisy here.

TheFrendo · 27/04/2026 10:09

Your DH is mad.

Surely sister will inherit from the father too, so she will not be in penury.

That will needs to be changed.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/04/2026 10:06

Porterpoets · 27/04/2026 08:35

We haven’t a clue what’s in FIL’s will. He refuses to discuss it and it makes them all enormously uncomfortable to talk about FIL’s inevitable death and what might come afterwards. I’ve tried to broker a sensible, pragmatic conversation but no one wishes to engage. He owns his large London home outright so presumably that will be split between DH and SIL- or perhaps he’ll leave it all to charity. DH suspects some may be.

To clarify, it’s a nominal sum that DH is leaving to his sister, not a percentage, so it will degrade with inflation, over time.

Edited

If your FIL splits the inheritance equally between your DH and your SIL, surely SIL will have enough money to purchase a flat as the inheritance includes a large London home which must be worth millions.

In that case, why would your DH need to act as his sister's guardian and include her in his own will?

If FIL is intending to leave everything to your DH and and he expects your DH to become financially responsible for his sister on FIL's death, your DH should share the whole inheritance with her or do a deed of variation to split the inheritance 50/50.

Your FIL sounds like a Victorian paterfamilias and a bit of a chauvinistic arse.

patate10 · 27/04/2026 10:03

Oh, that would be it for me, I'd be off with my higher earnings.

Mischance · 27/04/2026 10:00

Your OH is a "moral man" and his moral duty is to his children.

Presumably he will have left his estate between his two children - and if he hasn't SIL could reasonably dispute this in law. If he hasn't then your OH can choose to redress that unfairness if he wishes to.

If he has left it all to charity (I daren't ask which it might be!) then there is nothing anyone can do and your OH owes no obligation to bail out his sister.

It does sound as though SIL would not want what FIL is suggesting - she is an independent woman making her won choices in life. Just tell her the crap you are getting from FIL.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 27/04/2026 09:57

NevergonnagiveHughup · 27/04/2026 08:17

Will SIL not get an inheritance from FIL when he dies, thus negating the need for DH to bequest her anything????

This! If she’s already inherited half your FIL’s estate, surely she’d already be set up for the rest of her life, so no need to make any financial provision for her at all?

And if you’re already reasonably well off, will at that point have inherited from his father, and the provision he’s suggesting for his sister is just a nominal cash amount, I can’t say I’d be that worked up about it tbh. Sounds like she’d probably hand it straight back to your children anyway, especially if she knows her brother was emotionally blackmailed into making the bequest.

Your issue is with your domineering and controlling FIL, who seems to be doing this solely for the pleasure of shit-stirring. Does your husband not question his father’s refusal to help his daughter whilst he’s alive and can obviously afford to? Has he told his sister about this conversation? Don’t the siblings ever talk about how bizarre and ridiculous their father is?

FairKoala · 27/04/2026 09:56

user1492757084 · 27/04/2026 09:29

I don't think your FIL means to gift SIL money.
I think it is irrelevent whether SIL is a woman or a man, she earns less and has no home.

FIL could be merely asking your DH to watch out for his sibling, financially. Your DH would probably never see a sibling of his, homeless or batttling illness alone; he would step in to care.

FIL obviously worries about his daughter and wants your DH to not forget her.

Your SIL will likely benefit from her father's generosity and be able to purchase her own home and security.

I would not be angry. Poor SIL. She would feel embarrassed to hear this 'old man talk' as she provides for herself well.
It is just an old man/father thinking of the welfare of his child.

If FIL was worried about his daughter then why not help her to buy a place of her own.

I am sure if fil said here is £50,000/£150,000 etc for a deposit or the whole amount for your own place and in my will your bit will be reduced by the same amount I am sure SIL wouldn’t be too proud to accept.

It’s the description of himself as Head of the Family looking after everyone. Except he isn’t Head of the Family and doesn’t look after everyone.
I don’t believe he has left anything to his daughter. He likes the idea of being Lord Bountiful but doesn’t want to part with any hard cash especially to his children. But wants his DS to take on this role.

In his mind his dd should never benefit from anything that might take her out of the box he has put her in.
She should always be in the place of struggling for money and lesser than DS

Obeseandashamed · 27/04/2026 09:56

I could be wrong but I get the feeling what your FIL might mean is that he has arranged for his estate to go to your DH and then your DH should ensure his sister is looked after. My fil has done similar in that he has left his business assets to the sons and they are expected to make sure their sisters aren’t without. Personally I hate this way as it just ends up being endless requests and the sons give in as they had given their word to their father. There’s no cap on what financial assistance is provided or what it should include. Last years requests included 3 holidays abroad! We didn’t even do that ourselves but she was able to as they felt they had to say yes.

HarpieDuJour · 27/04/2026 09:55

If your husband died suddenly now, would you be able to pay out the set sum to his sister? Or would that leave you in difficulty?
This whole situation is all kinds of nonsense. You can't do anything about FILs will, but you can make it very clear to your husband that this is a divorce-level problem in your marriage.

Growingaseed · 27/04/2026 09:53

I would be absolutely fuming with your DH and wouldn't be able to be in the same room as him when he put that in his will.

Essentially he might make his own children destitute for the benefit of his sister?

Unless you are extremely wealthy for me that is not something you can accept in a relationship.